


Life after tragedy

by Yaspajo



Category: Columbine - Fandom, Dylan Klebold - Fandom, Eric Harris - Fandom
Genre: Columbine, Dylan Klebold - Freeform, Eric Harris - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 69,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yaspajo/pseuds/Yaspajo
Summary: She's guilty by association in her own tragic life. They are planning something so very dark. What happens when they get to see part of the reality they would create for so many people they love?
Comments: 64
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently reading a book that gave me this idea.
> 
> I hope everyone that takes time to read this will find it time well spend. As always feel free to leave comment, I love to know what you're thinking :)
> 
> \- X

In the farthest corner I take a seat, as far away from anyone as I can. I pull out my book and try to get lost in it. Hoping today would pass faster then yesterday. At least until I’m home and I can sleep after homework till the next day. I feel eyes on me, I always do. With my heart in my throat, scared it’s already out there I look up. Two boys are looking at me and as soon as I notice they turn around, pretending they don’t see me. What if they already know the voice in my head says to increase the anxiety. I turn back to my book hoping they will let me be. I feel at least one of them come closer. When I look back up I see the guy in the probably custom made Wilder Wein shirt approach me, the taller one is walking in the opposite direction. He’s wearing dark clothes, likes Rammstein so he can’t be a jock. He doesn’t look big enough anyway. He has an intense odd look on his face but when he gets closer he gives me a reserved smile. I squint my eyes, scared of what’s to come. 

“Hi, I’m Eric” he says when he’s close enough. My mind is working overtime to access the situation.

“Hi Eric” I end up saying. 

“You’re new here” he states the perhaps obvious.

“Yeah” I answer while watching his reactions closely. I’m so tired from it all, the constant guard I need to keep up. He lifts up his hand to shake mine. He doesn’t know then, they never do this when they know. I reach out and shake his hand, his shake is firm but not too firm. “And you are?” he asks seemingly unbothered by my lack of reaction. I’m in doubt whether I should give him my real name or not then again if we happen to have classes together he’s gonna know soon enough, he will find out either way actually so why bother lying.

“I’m Y/n.” I say still holding his hand for some reason. He looks at me and smiles again before he lets go of my hand and pulls out a chair. “Nice to meet you. Welcome in hell” he says with a soft chuckle as he sits down. I hear no lie in his voice though.

“That bad?” I ask him wondering what I’m in for.

“That depends on where you belong in the social order that rules Columbine” he says honest. I like that, I like it a lot. He’s no jock that's for sure, something tells me he belongs somewhere just above me in that order. 

“Well then I’m thoroughly fucked” I say matter a factly. “Thanks for the heads up though” I add to at least seem polite. Something strange happens, he’s not set back by what I just said. Instead a grin appears on his face.

“If you need help finding a classroom or whatever I’ll be happy to help” the dirty blond boy tells me. I nod and hope he’ll leave me alone. His hand taps on the table a couple of times and then he gets up, maybe he picked up on my vibe and decided I wasn’t worthy of his time. “I’ll see you around Y/n.” he says before leaving. I focus back on my book, trying for a second time to get lost in it until I was forced back into a new classroom. I feel my anxiety fill me up again and do as I was taught to do, distract myself. So I get up and go find my locker. Careful not to make too much eye contact. Some girls look nice and smile when they see me. Boys ignore me and others are simply uninterested. My locker number is in sight and I walk over there to open it. Following instructions I pick my locker combination. Putting in some stuff I won’t be needing. That’s when they come around the corner. A group of jocks, they are for sure. Matching hats to grace the superiority they know they have over every other kid walking the same halls. Don’t look, no eye contact no nothing. They pass me without so much as looking in my direction twice. I exhale loudly and close my locker again. Time to find my next class. Video production. Following the map of the school I was given I know I’m on the right path. It should be the next door. 

“Y/n” I hear and my heart sinks down into my shoes, someone already knows. Then I look up and see it’s Eric. 

“Eric?” I say relieved it’s not worse.

“Are you in video production?” he asks pointing at the door.

“Yeah, you?” I ask stupidly because his hand is already on the door handle. 

“No I just like this door a lot” he says with a grin on his face. 

“Funny” I say straight faced. A guy comes up next to him.

“Who’s your friend?” he asks Eric. “I’m not sure we’re friends but this is Y/n, she’s new” 

“Hi I’m Erik” he says introducing himself. My mouth opens slightly. “Eric and Erik?” I ask.  
“Yep” Erik says.  
“Okay then” I say as I walk in the room. They go to their usual seats I imagine and I go sit as far away as I can. I see Eric frown, it’s not personal but I can’t tell him that. It’s all better this way. The class starts and I’m furiously hoping the teacher doesn’t make me introduce myself but I know better. 

“A new face, why don’t you come here” and he points next to his desk “and introduce yourself” I feel my eyes close and I get up reluctantly but immediately to get it over with. Walking to the front of the class I look at all the faces. Erik smiles and Eric looks a little angry if I’m not mistaken, he probably doesn’t understand why I distanced myself. He will soon enough though. They always find out, I can never escape the cards I was dealt with. 

“I’m Y/n. I just moved here from another part of Denver.” I say hoping the teacher will be satisfied, who am I kidding, they never are. 

“Tell us a little more about yourself so friends can be made” he says with a smile that only adults can show pretending this shit is in our best interest. I take a deep breath and continue.

“Okay if I must. I like to read it’s what I do most of my free time.” I say with a new hope it’s over.

“Interesting, any other hobbies?” he asks. Relentless this one is.

“Not recently.” I say knowing I won’t say more. He finally got the hint, tells me to sit down and starts his class. I quickly look around the faces. The tall boy I saw Eric with this morning sits close to him he averts his eyes as soon as he meets mine. Thank God for that. I sit out the class and any other class that day. When it’s time to go home I feel a short lived relieve. Because I’ll be home soon. I love my parents and they love me but we will never be the same again, our family is ripped apart and neither of us can heal. Not good enough anyway. I park my car and softly open the front door. I kick out my shoes and feel the heavy cloud fall over me again. I walk through the door into the family room. Mom is curled up on the couch under a blanket, dad isn’t home yet. I walk over to my mom and gently wake her up. Her eyes open, they are red. She had a bad day. “Hey mommy” I say with the most loving of smiles. She gives me one back, places her hand on my face. 

“Hey baby, how was today?” she says sitting up slowly.

“It was a good first day. Better than the last first day.” I say truthfully. Her eyes look relieved.

“I’m so glad baby, you know I talked to some neighbours and they seem nice, not too pushy.” she tells me. 

“That’s good” I tell her with another smile “is daddy still at work?” I ask her.

“No he’s doing groceries. I have a good feeling about Columbine, I don’t know why but I just do” she says needing to feel that way, a small hope to hold onto.

Welcome to hell Eric’s words ring through my head. I look at my mom, her tired eyes and the sadness in her soul painfully open and bare in front of me. In this moment I decide I will not tell my parents. If Columbine is like my last school I will keep it to myself. I won’t do it to my mom again, I will not let her hurt more than she already does. “Me too mom, this may actually be a better new start” I say trying to hold up her hopes. She smiles and sinks back down. “I’m so sorry baby, I’m so tired today” she says pulling the blanket up to her chin.

“Don’t apologise mommy, I know. It’s okay, I have some homework and the bathtub is calling my name” I say with a smile. She places her hand on my cheek again. 

“I love you so much, my sweet girl” she tells me like the million times before. “I love you mom” I say before I give her a kiss and take my stuff with me upstairs. In my room I see all the boxes left to unpack. I can’t, it’s too much. Maybe tomorrow but probably not. I place my bag and stuff on the desk and go do my homework straight away. The second I’m finished I push my chair back and go straight into the new bathroom. Letting the bathtub fill with the hottest water I can bare on my skin I peel off the layers of clothes I’m wearing to hide all the invisible scars. None are left on my skin, all are mentally. But they are there, I see them when I look in the mirror. Written all over my bare face, collarbones and shoulders. The tub is full to my great relieve. I get in, sizzling on my skin the water fills a hole in me nothing else can. In the water I’m free, just me. Only Y/n, not the sister of. The heat lasts long and when I get out I know I’ll sleep through dinner, late into the night to wake up, feel hungry and not be able to sleep anymore. 

New day, more insecurities. The longer I’m in a school the less anonymity I have left. I want to run into Eric, a familiar face if only just a little before he despises me like the rest. Then again maybe it’s better if I don’t. The drive over there is pleasantly calm. I know it’s the calm before the storm but I try to take what I can get. That’s what it has come down to small moments like this. I drive up to the senior parking lot and a grey Honda drives in front of me like a mad man. I see where he parks, my spot is close to it. When I get out I see Eric standing next to it. He smiles at me. I force a smile back. 

“Good morning” he says loudly. 

“Morning” I say back and walk to the entrance of the school, to do this I have to pass Eric and so we end up walking together. 

“Why did you sit so far away yesterday?” he asks blunt and unexpected. Because soon you’ll hate me like everyone else.

“I keep to myself mostly” I lie, or at least it hasn’t been a lie for the past year but before it happened it would have been a lie. 

“Why?” he asks licking his lips. Think of something.

“You’ll find out soon enough, it has never lasted longer than 3 days” I say a little cryptically.

“What has?” he asks with squinted eyes. Lie lie lie lie. 

“I don’t want to talk about it Eric, believe me you’ll find out soon enough” I say upping my pace. He upps his too.

“Okay fine I won’t ask again” he says but doesn’t leave. I look at him and see he’s clearly annoying, irritated even but he doesn’t leave. Why not I wonder. A short silence follows. “Do you wanna meet up at lunch?” he asks still looking irritated. The word may already be out by then.

“I don’t know” I say truthfully. 

“Alright” he says unbothered. He goes into what they call the commons and I a-line for my locker. “See ya later” he says. I turn around and give him a I-don’t-know look and continue on my way. It’s not personal I think to myself as I feel sad about behaving like this. It’s for the best, that I know. 

The day starts as good as it gets, my anxiety is even bearable. In front of my locker I feel my guts twist and turn as uncomfortable as it gets when I see a literal wall of jocks turn the corner. Accidental eye contact wrecks my nerves, with good reason. See I have a theory, jocks in an area keep each other posted. Like they have a special line or something on which they keep each other posted about major things they should know. That is at least my idea, how else would the jocks in Columbine find me this quick? 

“You’re new” one of them says as he approaches me. Look down at the floor, pick a spot to focus on and ride it out. I don’t answer him, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year is that my words do not matter, I do not matter. Silence gives me the best of the worst result. “I’m talking to you” he says waving his hand in my line of vision.  
“Maybe she’s full retard?” another says laughing. You’re not a retard, he doesn’t know you I tell myself.  
“Wait what the fuuuuuck” one of them says and he walks up to me and jerks my head up with his hand “that’s the chick from that one family” he says to his friends. Well it’s already starting, day two before lunch. He realizes he’s right and he pulls his hand back, pushes me back as if to create as much distance as he can. He whispers. Soon they all whisper and walk away. This is new, they usually begin to scream out the most unpleasant nicknames they can think off. They walk off and I raise my eyes and see them looking back, arms around each other talking, planning. Making plans to humiliate me to the max I assume. I run into a bathroom stall and lean against the closed door trying to catch my breath. Don’t start to hyperventilate now, take it easy. I calm myself down as best as I can and make my way to the last class before lunch. It passes without incident and I make my way to lunch. I see Eric sitting in the blink of an eye, there’s a small group he’s sitting with. I want to avert my eyes but he’s already waving me over.  
“Fucking great” I whisper, I don’t have the heart to reject him like that in front of people, thinking about the jocks I remember that soon he’ll reject me, like they always do so I wouldn’t have to worry about rejecting him. I make my way over there, he’s with 4 other people. One girl and 3 other boys, the tall one is there too.  
“Hey Y/n you made it for lunch” he says assuming I may have been looking for him. I smile and nod “it appears to be so” I say thinking about that wall off jocks, I feel my eyes go over this cafeteria and see none of them. “Everyone this is Y/n, she’s new so don’t be an ass to her” he says surprising me with his choice of words. They all introduce themselves but I can only start to focus on their words when the tall one says “I’m Dylan”.  
“Hi” I say looking at Dylan and then at the rest. 

“Sit with us” the girl tells me. Not knowing how to get out of this situation I do as she says and sit down next to Eric. They all chatter away, all but Dylan he seems to be even more quiet than me. Eric asks unimportant questions every now and then. That’s when something hard strikes me at the back of my head. I cry out “what the fuck” and I grab the back of my head, something wet is sticking to my hair, it’s candy. I rip it out of my hair and throw it on the table, all eyes from the people I just met are on me. Every single one looks terrified of who’s behind me. I turn around and feel my heart sink in my shoes, my eyes close. They know. The looks on their faces tells me they do. No escaping now. With real fear in my eyes I turn to Eric. A last friendly look from him. He seems to understand the fear, I’m fucked. I can see in his eyes that he’s fully aware of what it feels like to be a target, only he has no idea of the severity of the shit I’m in. 

“Faggots what’s up, seems you have a new friend” one of them yells out for everyone to hear. I see him looking at the boys at the table. My throat is blocked, nothing will come out. They say nothing, simply because they can’t. “She’s a low even for you degenerates. But I guess if you’re trying to fuck” he says looking at his friends. I turn my head away from him and focus on my hands. He walks up to me and when my eyes shoot up I see the kids on the table are surprised he goes that far, they have no idea. A hit on my shoulder.

“How’s your brother? You killer whore” he spits out. I look down and don’t look at anyone. “Oh wait, he blew his brains out.” First stab to the guts. “Did she tell you fag boys? Her big brother killed his girlfriend” gasps sound all around followed by silence, I’m not looking up. “Then her parents before he blew his own fucking brains out.” He’s yelling everyone hears, more gasps and soft whispers follow. “This little bitch has killer blood running through her nasty veins” another jock yells out. I hear the first chairs pull back, people are already leaving. Another hit on my shoulders “don’t get near us or you’ll go home bruised” he says before he shoves me into the table. The group walks away and as they do they throw all kind of shit at me. Fruit, candy, crumbled papers and whatever they have really. My eyes still down, filled with tears. Everyone at the table is silent. That’s when some other kid yells.

“Holy fuck that is Y/n whatever her last name is. Her brother really did kill those people before he offed himself.” a lot of different sounds follow from all through the cafeteria. Some people leave, others talk. 

“He knows your name, is this true?” the girl at my table asks. I’m unable to answer but I look up. Showing them the truth in my face. Agony written all over it, telling them it’s true. Her eyes turn really big. I see Dylan and Eric share a look and I can’t make anything out of it. The other dudes look at me like I’m a car wreck, horrifying but fascinating. I want to get up, leave but my feet fail me. The girl says “I’m sorry I uhm, I need to be somewhere” she says.

“Don’t apologise” I say with a breaking voice. She looks at me like she doesn’t understand. “They all leave as soon as they know” that’s when my brain kickstarts my legs and I get the hell out of there, followed by stares, whispers and disgusted eyes. I have no idea where I’m going, there is never an escape. Before I know it I’m in a theater room, it’s empty. I go behind the stage, and into the sound booth. It’s empty. I walk to the back of the room and let myself fall down, curled up into a ball. Where I wrap my arms tightly around my legs, as tight as I can. I stay there by myself, with my thoughts, the never ending loop of thoughts. After what seems like forever but must have been an hour or so the door opens with quite the swing, scaring me up on my feet. How did they find me. But in front of me is Dylan. He looks just as shocked to see me as I am to see him. 

“Oh sorry I thought it was empty” he says ready to turn around. 

“No stay” I say grabbing my bag off the floor, I’ve learned to give people what they want in hopes they won’t make my life miserable. Ready to go to the door he says.

“You stay, it’s fine” he says without a single trace of care in his voice. 

“A-are you sure?” I ask while tears start streaming down my cheeks. He looks at me with a weird look on his face.

“Yeah, I’ll go sit in my car” he says more to himself then me. 

“Thank you” I say through my tears, it’s been a great long while that someone has let me be, almost an acknowledgment that I may exist in a way. People always make me leave, there is no sympathy for the girl whose brother killed.  
He nods and leaves. I let myself sink down again only this time I’m laying on the floor crying, crying like I usually only allow myself to do when I’m alone in my bed, as silent as I can so I won’t disturb my parents. Now the sound finally comes out until I have no more sound to give. My head on my backpack I start to dry my tears. I should attend class at least sometime today. When I sit up straight and my tears are all dried I take a few deep breaths before I plan to get up. That’s when the door opens again. My eyes big, afraid of who it is. He steps in and it’s Eric. Eric? 

“V said you were here earlier” he tells me. I don’t answer him. “Is that shit true that they said? About your brother?” he asks closing the door behind himself. Why is he closing the door, what is going to do to me?  
I nod my head, yes. 

“So where you like his accomplish or something?” he asks.  
As fast as I can do I start to shake no.

“No I knew nothing I swear, my parents didn't either” I say pleading. His eyes have an odd look to them. 

“Why do they treat you like you were involved then?” he asks curiously. I don’t understand, where is he going with this?.

“Because he was my brother. I’m guilty by association.” I tell him. 

“That doesn’t make sense, you didn't do anything right?” he asks again. 

“So far that doesn’t matter to anyone” I say getting up on my feet, holding my backpack before my chest. He seems to drift off into his own thoughts. 

“Well I think that’s fucked up and un fucking fair” he says angry as if he knows me. “Why blame you, did he tell people not to blame your family?” he asks specifically, he’s scaring me.

“He did, he left notes” I tell him, starved to talk about it to someone that isn’t my fucking therapist or parent. Or the police. Eric seems to still be in his own world in his head. 

“So you’re hiding in the sound booth?” he asks in a whole other tone then the rest of his questions. I nod yes. Now I have a question.

“Did Dylan tell you I was here?”

“Yeah he needed a break too but you were here so I think he left completely” he says a little absentmindedly. 

“I’m sorry” I say so used to apologizing. He tilts his head and chuckles.

“Why apologise?” he asks me. I realize that I don’t even know, it’s just a defense mechanism.

“It’s all I seem to do the last year” I tell him honestly.

“Well I think that’s fucking ridiculous” he says hands on his hips. This makes me smile. He notices. “I can walk with you to your class if you want?” 

I think about it for a second, no one has been really nice to me for a long time. It was either an adult that felt compelled to be nice or the few people my age had hidden agendas. “Okay” I say hoping this won’t be the start of another mean joke. He opens the door again and walks out, after a bit I follow him outside. He asks me where I’m going, he knows the teacher.  
“Oh well my condolences, he’s an asshole” he says as he walks out in front of me. We pass a group of kids, they point and whisper. I get lost in my own world, trying to protect myself from the stares. “Y/n?” he asks.

“Sorry what?” I ask him. He just grins. 

“Nothing important, we reached your class.” he adds. I look in the room and see all eyes on him and me. 

“Eric you should stay away from me” I say looking in the classroom.

“Why?” he asks me.

“Guilty by associations” is all I say and he follows my gaze into the classroom. 

“Fuck em all” is all he says before he smiles at me. 

“I don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into” I say feeling highly alert, alarm bells ring around Eric’s head just as much as they do in the classroom.

“We’ll find out in time I guess” he says dismissing my warning. “I’ll see you around” he says before he leaves me alone to face the next periode. It’s just as awful as always. Kids pull back when I walk by, whispers and the teacher does nothing, he’s icey and couldn’t care less. As long as he gets paid that’s what matters. Kids never matter, especially not when you have to teach the sister of a killer. I feel absolutely miserable when I walk to my car. Closer to my car I feel my heart go crazy, there’s a note underneath my windshield wiper. Who knows this is my car? That’s fast. Afraid it’s another death threat I take it with shaking hands. When I open it I sigh with relief. The note says:  
“Call me sometime, we can hang out or something. -Eric” followed by a phone number.  
“This guy” I say out loud looking for his honda, it’s not here anymore. I lick my lips and quickly place the note in my pocket. Ready to go home and pretend I don’t exist.


	2. We are not friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter! Let me know what you think :)
> 
> \- X 
> 
> I amsolutely adore every comment on every story!

The water is still warm, no longer hot but warm enough to keep me company. I read once that hot baths and showers comforts the lonely. I’ve taken at least one bath every day since that day. In four hours I have to go back to school. Day three and yesterday opened the hell gates for me again. I look at the ceiling tiles and try to remember when I last laughed so hard it hurt my stomach, or made the muscles in my face hurt. I can barely remember but my brother was still alive that’s for sure. I think about Eric, giving me his number. He doesn’t understand, when they shove his head in a locker simply for being around me he’ll run like the others before him understandable did. He’s tough for trying but nobody lasts. So I won’t call him, there’s no need to make this harder especially not on me. I think about Dylan, letting me be in the sound booth. That was however small a gesture for him a big one for me that I really needed. I think about the sound booth, I hope that can become my hiding place. I think about how I always want to hide. I let myself sink down into the bath trying to drown my thoughts out, it never works but I always try. When I can’t hold my breath anymore I try for just a few seconds longer but then I have to go up for air. Slowly I make my way out of the bathtub. It takes me almost 20 minutes to fully dry myself, there is no hurry there is no way I’ll fall asleep again. Throwing myself down on the bed I listen to my music until the clock forces me up. I get dressed in black jeans and a thin red sweater. With my backpack filled and my smile back on I walk downstairs. The sweet smell of pancakes fills the air. 

“Something smells absolutely amazing” I say as I walk into the kitchen. I see my mom on the kitchen table and my dad making the pancakes. “Uhm hello did I wake up in the twilight zone?” I ask surprised to see the roles reversed. 

“Well your mom made the batter and I figured I could give it a try” my dad says pulling a it-seems-to-work face. I smile at him and give him a morning kiss before I give my mom one. If there’s one thing that I do like these days it’s our increased show off affection to one another. I sit next to my mom.

“I’m intrigued to say the least” I say as my dad turns around to give me a dirty look “what I meant that in a good way” I say laughing. My mom has a smile of her face, she hasn’t laughed fully yet, always a smile, never a sound. I only really laugh when I’m with them. 

“Here’s to hoping you’re both hungry” my dad says placing the stacked tower of pancakes on the table for us. I look at my mom who starts to plate them up for us. We eat the pretty decent pancakes together while my parents talk about what they’re doing that day. My mom wants to try and do some work in the garden, my dad supports her and says he will help her. I look at their tired faces and know their nights are as bad as mine if not worse. I think about the sound booth, Eric, Dylan and the girl getting up from her seat. 

“Are you okay honey?” my mom asks shaking me out of my thoughts as she places her hand over mine. I look at our hands and lace my fingers through hers. “Yeah I was just thinking about some stuff, don’t worry mommy” I say before I finish the rest of my pancakes and leave for school. The drive is anything but calm. I’m nervous and upset with myself. How could I wear this sweater to school. It’s far too out there. Nothing I can do about it now.  _ Just ride it out _ . Another day. 

Parking in my designated spot I can’t help but look for the Honda. It’s there. Looking at it I see it’s a Prelude. A deep breath, time to go in. Who knows it might be a good day right?

The first period goes by uneventful. Stares everywhere but I can manage those. They’re uncomfortable and make me anxious and on guard but at least they are not hurt or harmful. Walking to my locker I feel eyes on me, from every direction. I open my locker and a “hello” scares me out of my thoughts. I turn around and see Eric standing there. He’s wearing a KMFDM shirt and black cargo pants. “Hi” I say to him. 

“You didn't call” he says blunt and annoyed by the fact. 

“I know” I say to him, his eyes squint a little and he licks his lips. “Don’t take it personally, I never call” I add because for some reason I don’t want to make him feel bad. 

“Why not?” he asks a little curious if I’m not mistaken. He’s persistent I’ll give him that.

“Because, Eric. I don’t want people to get hurt because of who I am. Me included” I tell him in all honesty. 

“I told you, fuck em all” he says carelessly.

“I know you did but I also know that you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.” I say closing my locker. 

“I don’t think it can get worse in this shithole besides it doesn’t matter” he stops talking like there’s more to that sentence.

“You saw what they did to me as a welcome yesterday, believe me it’s going to get a whole lot worse.” I say trying to get him to back off. 

“Pff that shit was nothing. I told you this place is hell” he says with an odd smile on his face.

“How can you say that smiling?” I ask stunned.

“Because like I just said, it doesn’t matter” Eric says scaring me a little bit. I have no idea how to get through to him. “Listen I have to go right now, I’ll find you at lunch” he says pointing at me with a smile on his thin looking face. I have no idea how to respond to that so I just turn around and walk the other way. “You’re going the wrong way” he semi yells at me. I turn around and yell back “how do you know where I have to be?” he shrugs and smiles even wider. Did that son of a bitch look at my roster somehow? That scares me, what does he want from me? I feel panic wash over me, what if it’s like with Andrea all over again or Henry.  _ I can’t get closer to him _ the voice in my head yells out.  _ High walls, maximum protection  _ I think to myself as I try to stack the bricks up higher around me. On the other hand I really do want to give him a shot as a friend but it’s dangerous and he has a vibe to him that I cannot explain. 

The bell rings, it’s time for lunch. I wait until most kids are out of the room to leave. “Y/n?” the teacher calls out. I walk over to his desk. “Yes sir?” I ask politely. 

“You looked very absent minded during class. I know the story behind your surname but don’t let that be an excuse to not pay attention” he says coldly. I feel that lump in my gut grow. “I’m sorry sir, I’ll try harder to focus next time” I say with a lump in my throat so big you can hear it while I speak. He looks up “I wasn’t being mean, I said it for your own good. Focus on your education it’s important for your future” he says justifying being an asshole for the bigger picture. 

“I know sir” I lie to him. He nods and I’m dismissed. My feet decide the direction I’m going in and before I know it I’m walking past the stage and on my way to the sound booth. Opening the door I’m so relieved it’s empty. In the corner I sat in yesterday I sit down and let my head rest against the wall. Slow and steady I take my lunch out of my bag, with it a note falls out of my bag. 

“I hope you have a good day. I have a good feeling about this school. Love mom” 

With hardly any hunger as it was this note takes away the last grain of appetite I had. But I will eat, I always do. It will only get worse if I feel physically weak as well. I take a bite out of my sandwich and as I do the door opens. I jump up on my feet and before me stands Eric.

“Told you she would be here” he says to someone behind him. I knew it. I knew he couldn’t be actually nice to me. My heart races to find out who’s with him. A tall guy comes through the door. It’s Dylan. They both look at me, sandwich in my hand, mouth still full. I try to chew it away as fast as I can. 

“Hey, I figured you’d have your lunch here.” Eric says smiling as he walks in. Dylan closes the door behind him. Throws his bag on a small desk and sits down next to it, hardly acknowledging me. 

“Eric why are you here?” I ask him absolutely terrified to find out. Dylan laughs but still doesn’t look my way. 

“To have lunch?” he says “so you’re not alone” he adds. 

“God you just won’t leave me alone” I say getting a little worked up about this situation. 

“Told you” Dylan says looking at his friend, who in his turn looks at me. 

“You’ve got this whole nobody-can-be-my-friend thing going on but why not? I’m just trying to be nice” Eric says naively. Fine. 

“Because the last time someone said they wanted to be my friend. They only wanted to get into my fucking house to steal one of my brothers shirts and other stuff from his bedroom. That’s why.” I almost yell out at him. 

Eric looks shocked and Dylan now looks at me as well, only his expression is blank. 

“Before that someone said the exact same things you have been saying to me. Turns out he was trying to win a fucking bet. Fuck the killer’s sister.” I say feeling the anger wash over me all over again. “He failed in case you were wondering” I bite at Eric before I turn around. Tears on my cheeks that I wipe away furiously. 

“Well shit” Eric says behind me “why the fuck would they do that, you didn't do anything” he says not comprehending the whole guilty by association concept. 

“I told you, that doesn’t fucking matter to anyone okay. Someone in your family kills people and you lose all rights. I’m not my own self anymore. The only thing I am, and will be for a long fucking time if not my whole life is the sister of a killer.” I say with my back still to them. Missing the looks they share, the information they’re gathering. Alarm bells ring around them for good reasons. I turn around and face them both. Dylan holds a candy bar of sorts and Eric just looks at me with a really weird expression, like I’m somehow ruining something for him. 

“Do you understand now?” I ask him before I make my way to the door. Right before I want to open it Eric says.

“Hey okay I get it” making me turn around to look at him. “I’ll stop trying to be your friend” Eric tells me, Dylan just kinda watches us. I nod. “However” he continues with a smirk “we don’t have to be friends to hang out” I knew he wouldn’t let it rest. 

“How do you figure that?” I ask crossing my arms.  _ High walls. _

Eric shrugs “we can just meet sit together at lunch and stuff, hang out in school and forget we all exist outside of school” Eric proposes. Dylan scoffs, making Eric shoot daggers at him with his eyes. That was kinda funny. 

“You mean just school acquaintances? I ask him with a small hint of interest in my voice. He raises his hand as if to say yes something like that. 

“Like that exactly” he says sporting a small smile. I sigh and lick my lips. 

“I’m willing to give it a try but if I’m not comfortable I’ll stop being an acquaintance immediately and we don’t know each other anymore” I say looking at Eric. 

“Deal” he says sticking out his hand. I take a deep breath and shake on it shortly. Then I look over at Dylan, he looks back when he feels my eyes on him. 

“I’m not part of this deal, that’s you two” he says going back to bar. Eric looks at me and for a minute there I feel extremely uncomfortable with these two alone in the sound booth. I try to shake the feeling for the sake of really trying. We eat our lunch and talk about breezy, unimportant things. Then the conversation lands on Columbine and it’s jocks.

“They are the fucking worst” Eric says with anger building up in him. 

“Jocks, I hate them all. Fucking low life scum that get away with everything. Superficial bitches” Dylan says in a matter of fact way. Eric nods in agreement. 

“Definitely superficial and the girls are full retard” I say before taking a bite out of my apple. After I swallow my bite I put on a snotty voice and say “derek is like the most handsome boy in the world, captain of the football team. I mean he likes me so I’ll just let his friends grope my ass whenever I walk by because I mean Derek likes me” I roll my eyes and take another bite. I look up and my eyes finds Dylan’s face. He has a small grin on his face, he looks pleasantly surprised by my reenactment of the lead cheerleader. Eric is laughing. The three of us spend the rest of the time bitching over jocks, the teachers and everybody who just stand there and watch us getting bullied. Lunch is over and Eric offers to walk me to my class. 

“Might as well join because why the fuck not” Dylan says jumping of the desk. I look at him and wonder what he’s all about. He seems horrible shy but then he just lashed out at jocks and harshly at that. Then again shallow waters are noisy, deep waters are still. When we walk out of there and I watch them interact together and it just seems so fitting. Eric is very out there and vocal. Dylan reserved but equally angry. What a match. When we get to where I need to be we part ways. Eric takes a while to say bye but Dylan gives me a nod and a raise of the brows and is off. This period goes by rather quick. Not without the usually condescended comments and nasty looks to go with the voices. But I can close myself off from all of that and focus on class. When the bell rings and we’re dismissed however that’s when it all goes sour. A guy bumps into me, so hard I land against the door frame. My eyes immediately fall down.

“What’s the matter, creep? Wanna kill me now?” he says before walking off laughing with his friends.  _ High walls, don’t let them in. They don’t know the real you.  _ But then one of his friends comes running my way and makes me trip. I land face first on the floor. Hurting my nose, chin, lip and heart. As fast as my body allows me I come up to my feet to run towards the girls bathroom. I miss the tall figure in a trenchcoat following me with his eyes as I run by. 

Looking in the mirror I see my lip is a little busted but it’s at the top. That will be gone or at least catch less attention by the time I go home. My nose and chin just feel painful but nothing shows. I sigh in relief, now my parents won’t notice. I splash water with my trembling hands on my face. I’m going to skip next period. If I take another hit, mentally or physically I won’t be able to finish the last hour and if a teacher gives me shit again I will cry my eyes out. Then my parents will see. So I get out of the bathroom to make my way to the sound booth again but I’m stopped by a voice behind me. 

“You can’t always hide in the sound booth you know” 

I turn around and see Dylan standing there. Hands in the pockets of his trenchcoat. “There’s drama right now” he continues.

“There’s always drama around me. I told your friend to stay away from me” I say crossing my arms in defense. Dylan starts to laugh, a cynical cold laugh. 

“No, there is actual drama class right now” he says making me feel like a dumbass.

“Oh” I say feeling very embarrassed “shit, my bad”. 

“No I get it. Get stomped on long enough and everything feels like an attack.” Dylan says surprising me yet again, this time with his openness and understanding. “There is another place to go around here where you won’t run into assholes much” he continues.

“There is?” I ask going over the rest he said simply because I have no idea how to answer to that. 

“Come on, I’ll show you” he says turning on his heels before I can answer. I should be on guard, I know I should. But I follow him nonetheless. When he goes towards the exit of the school building I need to know where we are headed.

“Where are you taking me exactly?” I ask him as I run a short bit to keep up with him. 

“To a premature death” he says with a joking tone in his voice. 

“Very nice” I say thinking how inappropriate that choice of words is around me, but part of me is glad he didn't think about it. Everyone is always either an asshole or so on guard with every word that passes over their lips that the politeness is driving me insane. I keep walking next to him and then I see where he’s taking me. “A premature death, how poetic of you Dylan” I say smiling at him when I see he’s taking me to the smokers pit. There is only one other guy there but he walks out when we get in.

“Hey Dylan, what’s up” he says as he passes him. 

“Oh you know, same shit everyday.” Dylan says walking in. He pulls out a package of menthols and a zippo. He holds the pack of smokes in front of me and I take one. 

“Thanks” I say knowing I shouldn’t give in again after having quit just a few weeks ago. But I do it anyway. He lights my cigarette for me. I take the first drag and feel my lungs ache. My eyes close and the smoke leaves my body through my nose. “Fuck I missed this” I say softly. Dylan chuckles.

“Yeah it’s something” he says looking away as I open my eyes. 

“You can say that again, I try to quit. I really do but to no avail yet” another drag while I look at Dylan. “Does Eric smoke?” I ask him thinking he doesn’t. He starts to laugh.

“He tries but not really” he says honestly. 

“Somehow I figured he wasn’t a smoker” 

“How so?” Dylan asks.

“I have no idea, just a hunch” I say and I start to chuckle because this whole conversation is so casual and unforced. It makes me feel sane, if only for a short moment. “Shouldn’t you be in class?” I ask Dylan.

“I guess but it doesn’t matter” he says taking a long drag of his smoke. “I got accepted into the uni of Arizona.” he says as if that means that his grades until then do not matter at all. 

“Your motivation is inspiring” I say looking at him. He stiffens making me regret saying that. “Shit I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just I can understand how lack of motivation can work” 

Dylan raises a brow “you do?” he asks with small eyes.

“Are you kidding? It’s quite hard to stay motivated for me” I say feeling a little taken aback by how open he is to talk to.

“It’s all we fucking have to be, good grades, job or uni prospects. Be a machine, a fucking robot. That’s what they want” Dylan says looking at his brown leather shoes.

“So we fit in the circle of life, too bad if you’re born a square. Society will shape us to be circles, make us hate being anything but a circle” I say before taking another long drag of my smoke. 

“How fucking poetic of you” Dylan says and when I look at him I could have sworn I saw a smile before he puts his smoke in between his lips again. 

“So what is your deal?” I ask Dylan who looks up with his brows raised. “You were shy a couple of hours ago and now you’re already roasting me with my own words” I can’t help but feel intrigued by him in a good way.

“Thought you didn't want any friends a couple of hours ago” he says sharp tongued and with cold eyes all of a sudden.

“I wasn’t offering you a friendship bracelet, relax.” I say feeling a little shut down by him. And I can’t hide from myself that it hurts a little. “But I get it”

“You do?” he asks already at the end of his smoke. 

“Yeah” I say without explaining what I mean to him. “Thanks for showing me this spot” I say letting the cigarette fall down on the floor beside me without care before I walk away. Leaving Dylan behind with his own thoughts and struggles about what just happened here. Little did I know about how much Dylan struggles in life, if I knew I would want to be his friend. Get through it all together. But I don’t know. I’m trying to pretend to myself that not making friends is really the best way. As soon as I walk through those doors again I feel my head fall down slightly. I’m going to wait near my locker. Coming from around the corner I spot Eric immediately near my locker. Waiting there, leaned against a locker. 

“I thought we agreed on acquaintance not stalker” I say as I hold both the straps from my backpack in my hands. Eric stands up straight and crinkles his nose, unamused. 

“I skipped this period but couldn’t find V, so I thought I’d see if you were in class and you weren’t” he says.

“You know my whole damn roster don’t you? And who is V, is that Dylan?” I ask a little annoyed by him.

“Yeah that’s Dylan” he says not answering my first question.

“He may still be in the smokers pit, where I just left him” I say opening my locker. 

“Wait you where with Dylan is the smokers pit?” he asks as if it’s his business, he sure is pushy.

“Yeah he saw me trying to escape to the sound booth and warned me for drama class. So he showed me the smokers pit. I think he’s trying to kill me or something.” I say thinking about Dylan’s comment. 

“What?” Eric’s voice goes up out of nowhere making me turn my head a bit surprised.

“Relax, he offered me a smoke not a knife” I say with a small chuckle. “You’re so uptight” I state. 

“Gee, thanks” he says looking a little upset. Now I feel bad. 

“I’m sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out so bad. There was a thing and I just” but then I stop talking. Feeling too forward and stupid. 

“It’s okay, what thing though?” he asks looking genuinely interested. 

“Just some guy tripping me in the hallway. It wasn’t a big deal.” I say trying to downplay it immediately. 

“Fuck that’s awful” Eric says with his hands on his hips “did you hurt yourself?” 

I close my locker and look at Eric. Do I tell him the truth or pretend. I decide on somewhere in between. 

“A little, it wasn’t too bad” I say to him. Eric nods and together we walk to where I need to go, or at least where I need to be for my next period. We talk about a few different things, music, lyrics and such. We’re quite on the same level, we like some of the same things which is nice. I get lost in the mundaneness of this conversation. Then we pass a small group of friends who don’t even try to whisper. 

“That’s her, remember what I told you about on the phone. Her brother is the one that killed three people and then himself” a girl says to a boy walking next to her. Eric looks at me, then at them and back at me again. My eyes on the floor again. 

“Damn that’s sick. Imagine being his fucking sister, she must have seen it coming miles away but said nothing” the guy says as they pass us.

“Hey why don’t you shut the fuck up” Eric spits out at the boy making me look up at him. Oh shit. The boy points at his chest.

“Yeah you, why do you need to make her feel miserable and talk about her like you know her?” Eric says angry as he makes a few steps towards that boy. 

“Dude I don’t need no trouble” he says looking at Eric’s furious face and then to me, the killers sister. Eric takes another step that’s when I grab his arm. 

“Eric don’t, please.” I say to him. He looks back at me, straight into my eyes and then down to my hand on his arm. He licks his lips and turns to the group of friends to say something but they already walked away when we stood there looking at each other. “You say don’t but they were hurting you for no fucking reason. That shit pisses me off, you didn't do shit” he says not letting it go. 

“It really is unfair. It really is” I say letting go of his arm “but it only gets worse if I stick up for myself, or people around me stick up for me. People see it as provocation, they want to have a bad guy but he’s dead so my parents and me are the next best thing.” I say crossing my arms trying to push out the lump forming in my chest. 

“I don’t understand” Eric says but more to himself then to me “he said it wasn’t your fault” he really doesn’t understand but what I don’t understand is why he cares so much about that specific part. 

“Please don’t get angry at people, they always end up taking it out on me” I say to Eric who looks shocked. 

“I’m sorry I just snapped, I can’t stand fucking people.” Eric says.

“You don’t have to apologize” I say looking out ahead of me. 

“I don’t?” he asks surprised by my words.

“Nope” I say as I turn to look at him “thank you” I say. Eric now looking thoroughly confused. “It’s been a good while since someone stood up for me. It achieves the opposite but I think you meant well” I say as honest as I can. Eric seems to think about what I said.

“I did, thanks. I guess” he says appreciative of my words. If I had spend more time with Eric I would have known that his anger is a real big issue. That hardly anyone pokes through the facade. He struggles with so much and I don’t know. Nobody knows, maybe Dylan knows a little but that’s all. His dark, scary and upsetting secret hidden so deep inside of him, holding him up when nothing else can. But I don’t know this, how can I. We just met. 

I create a little more distance between us, in every sense of the words before my last period starts and we say bye.

“I’ll see you tomorrow probably” Eric says with a smile. I nod my head. 

“Yes most likely you will” I say before entering the classroom. 

I see my car waiting for me in the parking lot when I’m finally done with the day. Another note behind my windshield wiper. “Eric” I say a little angry that he didn't give me the distance he said he would. I take the note out and find a whole other handwriting. Less small but scribbles all the same. 

“Sorry I was an asshole in the pit” 

“Dylan” I say surprised. I didn't expect this at all. The note goes into my pocket and I get in my car. Going home today is not as bad as yesterday. My face is still a bit sore but the moments with Eric and Dylan where enough to keep me distracted from everything else to get extremely upset. So when I get to my driveway and I see an all to familiar car standing there my whole body reacts to it being there. I become nauseous within seconds. Sadness overwhelms me and every little ache I’ve felt in the past year comes flooding back. My hands shake uncontrollably when I put the key in the front door. I’m met by the door by my dad. Face tearstained and eyes so incredible sad. 

“Honey I’m so sorry you have to come out of school to this but I need you to join us with the lawyers. They need to talk to you before the police does.” 

“The police as well? Dad what’s going on?” I ask feeling crushed by the weight that will never become less. 

“There are new lawsuits” is all he says. I knew it before he said it, we’ve seen it coming. We are hardly over the first bump before the second one begins. 

It’s the middle of the night and I’m laying here on the bottom of the tub. The hot water burning my skin, eyes closed trying to push out the thoughts. You can’t feel the tears stream down your cheeks underwater, therefor I can pretend I’m not crying. Here on the bottom of the tub. There is no safety anywhere else but here. I’m all alone and no one can hurt me here. My hands float up a little because I let them. I watch my hands underwater. Where I can’t feel the tears. 

Feeling so tired and extremely overcome by fear and sadness I look at my bookbag besides me on the passangerseat. A new day. I’m sitting here crying. 

Crying because I want nothing more then to have friends. For Eric and Dylan to be my friends. But I can’t let them in and they shouldn’t let me in. 

The sound of a car coming up from behind me shakes me out of my thoughts. It’s the Prelude, Eric’s Prelude. I dry my tears. Glad I get to pretend to be his friend again, if only in my own head. 


	3. Keep going

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone :)
> 
> New chapter up, thank you all for the patience <3
> 
> \- X

“Hey” Eric says as I exit my car. 

“Hi” I say trying to sound better then I feel. 

“Wow you sound like shit” Eric says blatantly.

To no avail apparently. 

“I’m fine” I tell him as I sling my book bag over my shoulder. 

“That’s not true. Listen I know I can’t do the real friend thing with you, so I won’t. But when you feel like shit just tell me. That way I know and I won’t say something stupid.” he says sounding sincere about it. 

“Fine, I feel awful. Now we’re dropping this” I say as we walk to the stairs. 

“Alright, consider it dropped” he tells me and then he goes on to tell me how he’s building a new level in DOOM. One where according to him “bitches won’t get through” and the layout of the map is going to “blow people's minds after”.

“After what?” I ask him after carefully listening to his story so I can get lost in anything that isn’t reality. 

“Doesn’t matter” he says coldly. 

“If it doesn’t matter why say it?” I ask him again. He looks at me and his eyes are small and unappreciative of my question. He seems to think about what he’s about to say.

“Just kinda slipped out. It was more me thinking to myself then anything else” he tells me.

“That makes sense, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to be a dick” I say looking at Eric, who has no trouble looking back and maintaining eye contact with me.

“It’s okay, you feel like shit. It happens. To me all the time at least” he says self aware with a chuckle.

“Yeah you turn into a dick when you feel like shit?” I ask him with a grin. Then he repeats my words back to me.

“Stick around long enough and you’ll notice that most people think I’m a dick. All the time not just when I feel like shit” he says sounding a little melancolic.

“Well so far you haven’t been one to me” I say feeling like he deserves the hear the opposite as well. I know how draining it can be when you feel like shit for long enough. 

“Thanks I guess” he says still looking at me. 

“Although I have to admit, you’re a bit strange” I tell him.

“Strange?” he asks.

“Yeah dude. You know my whole schedule” I say looking back at him. A small grin appears on his face and he looks away.

“Okay yeah I get a little carried away sometimes” he says “I’m sorry” 

“I didn't say it for an apology. I thought it was weird that you’d check on my schedule. It seems that you are just very persistent. Not necessarily a bad thing” and then we walk past the first group of kids. They may not be paying attention but it feels like they linger on us with their eyes. I feel myself crawl back into my shell. 

“Thanks again, I guess” he says a little hesitantly. I pay him no attention right now. 

“So is Dylan coming today?” I ask him absentmindedly as we make our way to the lockers.

“Well since he goes to school here as well I assume he will” he tells me “why?” he asks with a hint of irritation in his posture. 

“Oh no reason” I say as we approach his locker first. 

“Okay” he says a little indifferent. He grabs whatever he needs and we walk over to mine. When we get closer I see a locker all scratched up. Which of course is mine. 

“What the fuck” Eric says sounding shocked and angry. Close enough to read it I see it says “killer bitch” 

“How sweet” I say thinking it’s better what my previous locker looked like. I open my locker with a trembling hand. Eric just looks at me. Taking what I need I close it and walk away immediately. 

“That’s fucked up” Eric says. 

“What is fucked up?” we hear a voice coming from behind us. I turn around and see Dylan looking down at us. 

“They left a sweet note scratched in my locker” I say trying not to let it get to me.

“That’s fucked up” he says.

“That is what Eric said” I say nodding my head as I look at him. He looks at me briefly before he averts his eyes. Then we see them. A group of maybe 5 jocks and some of their girlfriends most likely. “Oh no” I say panicking. 

“Just walk straight ahead. Right through them. Don’t look at them” Eric says feisty and ready to meet them head on. 

“Absolutely not” I say with huge scared eyes as I look at him. And I turn on my heels and run towards the soundbooth. Hoping, praying even that they do not follow me. Not the jocks and not the boys either. Crawling into the farthest corner of the soundbooth underneath something. The darkest place I could find. I feel my heart pounding in my chest. I panicked, I couldn’t face them. Not today. The lawyers questions still ringing through my head. My brothers legacy tainted us all. How could he do this to us. To me. “How could you” I say through my tears as I lay my crying head on the floor. 

“Get the fuck off of the floor” I scold myself back into action. I crawl out of underneath the table and get on my feet again. Furiously wiping away the tears. I do my breathing exercises and slowly calm down. Nothing even happened. The locker happened. My brother is dead, that happened. “Fuck it” I say thinking I’m just going to skip today. I can’t be here. Not now. I see people standing that are doing nothing and I can’t even breath anymore. No, I need to go. Then there’s knocking on the door. 

“Y/n?” Eric’s voice says coming from the other side. 

“Dude I told you, she’d want to be alone if she’s here. Trust me” Dylan says probably remembering running into me crying on the floor. I walk over to the door and open it. I see Eric looking up at Dylan and they both turn to look at me. 

“I’m skipping today” I tell them and it’s like my heart takes over all of my senses. Because I don’t want to be alone. “Wanna join me?” I ask going against my own rules. 

“Join you outside of school?” Eric asks skeptical. “That’s against your rules.” 

“You said it yourself. My rules and I’m asking if you want to skip school. It’s not a marriage proposal to either of you so I think we’ll be fine if we break the rules just for today” I say sounding like a true asshole. I hate it, but I don’t want to be alone and I want to feel in charge of this strange sense of a friendship. 

“Fuck” Eric says a bit mad “I can’t, I have a big test. Otherwise I would” he says looking visible annoyed by the fact that he can’t come. 

“Fuck it who cares. I’ll come” Dylan says looking at me. Eric looks up at his friend with a face I don’t really understand. 

“If you guys are still hanging out after second period come back and I’ll join” Eric says determined to join.

“Okay we will” I say meaning it. So the three of us walk away from my crying spot and just before Dylan and I head out we say bye to Eric. “I want to go with my own car but you can join, no need for two cars” I say to Dylan.

“Sure I’ll ride with you” he says. I nod and we walk over to my car. Before we enter Dylan asks “did you get my note?” 

“I did and it’s cool” I say shortly before getting in and opening the passenger door for Dylan. 

“Thanks” Dylan says getting in and immediately adjusting the seat to fit his long legs. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m an asshole all the time. I liked that you took the time to leave me a note” I say not looking at him as I reverse out of my parking spot, ready to leave this school in my rearview mirror. 

“Uh I was talking about the door” he says and when I look at him I see a small smile on his face.

“Oh for fucks sake” I say embarrassed but I start to laugh, all the tension just seeps out of me. “I’m sorry dude. I didn't mean to make it uncomfortable” 

“It’s alright” is all he says. I put the radio on and the album Nihil by KMFDM starts playing. Then I see Eric is standing there still looking our way. I roll down my window and drive by him as close as I can.

“If Dylan doesn’t hate me by the second period we’ll come get you” I say with a small smile. 

“Alright” he says raising his hand. I wave at him and Dylan’s hand shoots up for a short wave. 

“So where do we go?” I ask thinking my place isn’t an option and I really don’t wanna go someplace indoors. 

“We can get some food and drinks and hang out at a place I know. It’s like the back of the park, has a table and everything” Dylan suggests.

“Sounds good to me” and I drive us to a store so we can get snacks and some soda’s. 

“We need to go to another store as well” Dylan tells me “I’ll show you the way” and he does. When we get there I watch Dylan walk over to the alcohol section and he grabs a bottle. The guy behind the register couldn’t care less that he is obviously not 21. We walk back to the car and I see he chose Vodka. 

“Wait Eric referred to you as Vodka” I say as I drive us to wherever Dylan is guiding us. 

“Favorite booze” he says putting the bottle in the bag with the rest. 

“Menthol cigarettes and Vodka” I say sinking back in my chair as I drive us to the destination. 

“That’s an odd thing to say” Dylan says from besides me. 

“Sounds like the name of an album” I say smiling. Dylan chuckles. I skip tracks and play Brute. 

“We’re almost there” Dylan says and I nod. Thinking about how much I’ve missed it to be actual friends with people. Just friends. No fear. These two boys are not like the others. I knew that the second I met them. They have a unexplainable vibe around them. It scares me a bit but then again I scare a lot of people so I really want to give them a chance. Even if it’s as school acquaintances. Today doesn’t count. “Park over there” he says pointing to my right with his left hand. A big black stoned ring on his finger. I look over at Dylan for a second. I park where he tells me too and we get out of the car. Now I take a moment to really look at Dylan. He’s incredible tall, wears a black trench coat. A hat on backwards, brown leather boots and that ring. He turns to look at me and catches my eyes. He wears an earring, a necklace and that ring. He really has his own style. His shirt says something I don’t quite understand. Something with Aol. He looks away a little awkwardly. We walk for a bit and reach the picnic table he was talking about. 

He places the bag on top of the table and takes place on one side while I go over to the other side. We sit there and for a minute it feels a bit strange but I decide to ignore it. 

“I haven’t been hanging out with people for a very long time so excuse me if suck at it” I say getting that out of the way. 

“Don’t worry about that” he says with a chuckle. 

“Do you know KMFDM?” I ask him.

“I’ve seen them live” he says nonchalantly. 

“You what?” I say shocked “fuck I’m so jealous right now” he chuckles. “How was it?” I ask him. 

“It was epic, I went with Eric” he tells me.

“Give me details please, which songs did they perform? How long was the concert? Did you get merch?” I blurt out all at once. He looks amused with a little smirk on his face. “Well” I say encouraging him to tell me everything. That’s when the dam in Dylan breaks and he tells me so many little details I wonder if has a photographic memory. He tells me about the songs they performed, the show and even some weird details about the sound that I do not get completely. But I say nothing, I don’t want to break his flow. He bought a shirt and says something about wearing it on one of the worst days of his life. He says nothing about what happened though that day though. Calling it the January incident. Must be really heavy for him because his whole demeanor changed as he mentioned it. But he shakes it off and continues some more about the sound at the concert. When he stops talking I finally get to ask my question. 

“You seem very into sound and walked into the soundbooth. Did you do sound?” I ask him. He nods.

“Yeah, one of my best friends did lights and he got me into sound. Which was pretty awesome.” he tells me and takes it a step further by talking about shows that he did. Fails that he prevented and he’s really into it all. Again so many little details. He tells me about Frankenstein and how his best friend had a lead. I look at him and notice little things about him, like his earring looks like something I’ve seen before but I can’t remember what it was again. 

“Hey Dylan, what is your earring? I think I recognize it from something but I’m not sure” his hand goes up to his ear.

“My earring?” he asks probably surprised I noticed. 

“Yeah the symbol, what was it from again?” I ask him leaving over the table for a closer look “wait I remember it’s related to the pope” I say to him.

“What? Oh yeah I read about that on the internet” he says still surprised.

“Are you fan of the pope?” I ask with squinted eyes.

“Hell no” Dylan says laughing “It’s about contrast for me” 

“Tell me more” I say interested. He turns shy.

“Uhm you know, contrast of life I guess. Good, evil. That kinda shit” he says taking a chocolate bar from his own bag.

“Hmm the never ending contrast” I say thinking about it “Light and dark that stuff right?” 

Dylan looks at me and he seems intrigued. “Exactly that, the everlasting contrast” he tells me.

“Everlasting contrast. What a concept, I’m putting that on a shirt” I say with a chuckle “talking about shirts, what does your say? Aol what?” 

Now his cheeks go red as he opens his coat for me to read. “Aol where kewlz haxorz are?” I say confused “Wait I get it but why spelled like this?” I ask him. 

“It’s a crack at those idiots that feel like they’re the shit for hacking aol” he explains to me. 

“Oh I see. That’s kinda cool” I say losing myself completely in this moment. Not even the voice in my head screaming at me to keep my distance can get through to me. I crave this basic, normal moment of possible friendship. He doesn’t seem too forward, isn’t pushing himself in any way, shape or form on me. I just keep telling myself to be careful around him and Eric for that matter.

“Thanks” he says letting go of his coat. 

“Your memory is super sharp by the way” I tell him “can’t believe all the little things you remember from the concert. My memory used to be super good as well but not anymore”

“What changed?” Dylan asks with his mouth full. I feel my arms cross and my head drop. 

“There’s nothing I want to remember anymore” I say huffing out air. 

“Oh shit I’m sorry I didn't mean to uhm” Dylan says trying to swallow his bite as quick as he can.

“Don’t worry about it, I shouldn’t have puked that out on you the way I did. Like I said, I suck at this. I’m sorry” I tell him. He just looks at me with that strange look on his face, a look he shared with Eric before. It makes me uncomfortable. 

“Dude stop apologising so much” Dylan says and I look into his eyes. “It’s annoying” he adds with a small grin. And I feel a smile form on my face and I realize I’ve smiled and even laughed around him. I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t stop myself, I need this. 

“Sorry” I say laying it on thick. He just shakes his head. Then we just talk for awhile and time is flying by! For the first time in months, longer even I feel like a human. Little do I know Dylan feels the same way, finally connecting to someone. “Oh shit” I say looking at the time “second period is almost over” I say to Dylan.

“Why don’t you go get Reb and I’ll guard our stuff” he says pulling out the Vodka. 

“Oh Christ don’t forget you need to drive later” I tell Dylan. 

“Don’t worry about me, my tolerance is higher than yours” he says with a smug smile. 

“Well in that case, don’t drink without me” I say as I get up to go get Eric, like I promised. Back at the school I wait for him where we waved to him in front of the entrance. Looking at my clock I see the bell has dismissed him just now. I see him walking towards me and a smile appears on his face. I smile back and open the door for him. “Get in” I yell out when he’s almost there. He picks up his pace.

“Thanks for coming back” Eric says as he buckles up. 

“Of course, I said I would and Dylan doesn’t hate me, yet” I tell him. “We need to hurry back or the party starts without us” I tell him with a wide smile on my face.

“You’re in a good mood” he states and I see him looking at me, stare more like it without shame. “What party? Oh nevermind I think I know” 

“You’re probably right” I say driving us back to Dylan. “His initials are in the brand name” 

“Yeah I figured” he says dryly. “Where are you guys hanging out?” 

“At the park, on a picnic table. With lots of snacks, he said to get you slim jims. So I did” I tell him as I start to park.

“Thanks I appreciate that” he tells we as we exit the car. 

“No problem” I tell him. I see dylan sitting at the table spinning the bottle on the table “I guess he really did wait” 

“Wassup” Dylan says to Eric and then he turns to me “I waited like a choir bitch” 

“I bet it hurt” I say as I take a seat. Eric sits besides me. 

“How was school?” Dylan asks Eric in a mocking fashion. 

“How do you think?” Eric says a little bitter “next time I’ll pretend to be sick and see if I can redo the test. You guys have been having all the fun without me” 

“Who said it was fun” Dylan and me say simultaneously. Making the boys laugh and I smile along. 

“That needs to be opened” I say grabbing at the bottle, Dylan pulls on it playfully. The two of us miss the angry eyes Eric points at us. “Stop” I say to Dylan and he does. I open the bottle and look at Dylan. “Did we get cups?” I ask him with a frown.

“Oh fuck” Dylan says annoyed that we forgot.

“Well I only have aids” I joke as I take a sip straight out of the bottle. They both look a little impressed. I place the bottle on the table. “Oh how I missed this” I say looking at the bottle and before I hand it to Dylan I take another sip. 

“Aids it is” he says before shortly rubbing his hand over the bottle as if that really changes anything. He takes a gulp twice the size my sip. 

“Jesus, dude you have to drive. Take it easy” I tell him shocked. 

“Lighten up will you” he says before handing the bottle to Eric.

“No thanks, someone has to watch the kids” he says with a smirk on his face. I turn to look at him and flip him off, playfully of course. He starts to smile “who are you and what have you done with Y/n?” Eric asks me.

I shrug not wanting to tell him that I’m ignoring all alarm bells in my head, that I can’t stay close to caution anymore. How I crave this friendly affection. 

“Who cares” Dylan says handing me the bottle. 

“I’ll drink to that” I hold the bottle up high and say “to not caring about shit” 

“I’ll raise my nonexistent glass to that” Eric says with a smile. I take a few sips before I give it back to Dylan. Conversation comes easy. The atmosphere between the three of us is good. Dylan loses his shyness all together and gives us a great speech about hating jocks, again. Eric joins him gladly and this time I don’t hold back. I give them a look into my mind when it comes to the entitled brats who are simply born in the right families and thus rule the school grounds. We do some serious bonding in our shared hate for jocks, teachers that couldn’t care less about anything but their paycheck. But at some point it’s enough for me. I can’t dwell on the hate. 

“That’s enough hate for today” I say taking a bigger gulp finally feeling the effects. 

“There is never enough hate” Eric says making me look at him. 

“You are wrong” I tell him before taking another big gulp and passing the bottle back to Dylan. 

“How so?” Eric asks me. 

“Do you like me Eric?” I ask him looking at him. He seems to be a little confused and looks at Dylan. 

“Uh I guess we’re school acquaintances remember?” he says with a chuckle.

“I have received so much hate in one year” I say looking at the both of them “you’d be surprised just how much. From everyone. Grown ups, kids my age, kids both younger and older then me. Teachers, police officers talking about us on cigarette breaks” I say thinking about when it just happened and I heard cops talking about it. The alcohol destroyed my filter. “Did you see what that guy did? And his sister is seriously crying over him, crying over that fucking monster. People like that disgust me. I know she’s just a kid but she’s not 5 anymore, she should know a killer doesn’t deserve sympathy” I say repeating the words I heard the cop say. 

When I look up I see Eric looks almost vulnerable and Dylan has a blank expression but his eyes scream fear. 

“My parents are being sued for everything from neglecting to failing to report a danger. As if they knew. As if any of us knew. No one saw it coming. My brother was sweet and caring.” tears streaming down my cheeks , Dylan can’t even look at me but Eric can’t take his eyes off of me. “Sure he was angry at times but he was never violent.” I sit up straight and look at the boys. 

“So you still think that there is never enough hate, Eric?” I ask him. 

“I didn't mean it like that. I’m sorry if I made you feel like this” he says sounding very guilty and sad perhaps. 

“Hate breeds hate. There is never an escape. You hate in one way and every other possible way, shape or form of hate will follow.” I tell him and Dylan who now looks at me. “So that was depressing” I say with a very nervous chuckle. “I’d apologise but Dylan forbade me to do so” I say shrugging. 

They look at each other and then Dylan says “yep no more of that shit” before he passes me the Vodka again. I take a very large gulp. 

“No more” I say smiling. “Until I’m sober again and my brain works a little better then it does now” 

“Yeah you can’t drive for shit” Eric says looking at his hands, picking on some dead skin probably. “I’m gonna drive us back to the school and Vodka you’re gonna have to drive behind me as I bring her home.” 

“No I don’t want you to know where I live” I say to him. 

“Why not?” he asks offended. 

“You saw what happened to my locker” I tell him “last time I brought someone home they ruined my dad's car after they got busted stealing my brothers stuff” 

“Listen I am not going to ruin your dad’s car” Eric tells me. I get up and feel extremely weak on my feet. I take a step and I know I can’t drive. I go to sit down again to tell him but I miss the bench completely and land on my ass. “Shit” Eric says scooting closer to the edge and Dylan stand up. 

“Are you okay?” Dylan ask looking down at me. I lay on the floor and there’s a smile on my face. 

“Dylan today was the best day I’ve had in months” and I get up so I’m sitting. “Fuck I really can’t drive” I say looking at Eric “would you please bring me home?” 

Eric has a sweet smile on his face “of course I will” and then Dylan extends his hand for me to take and with a dizzy head I get up on my feet. 

“Thanks mister everlasting contrast” I say with a smirk. Dylan’s cheeks turn red.

“Mister what now?” Eric asks getting up. 

“I don’t know dude, she’s drunk” Dylan lies. 

“Yeah no shit” Eric says laughing “come on let's go” 

I nod and start walking, a little wobbly but I’m okay. Or so I think. “Jesus Christ woman, come here” Eric says placing my arm around his shoulder and his around my waist “lets get you home safely” 

“I’m fine” I say stubborn.

“Shit, she drank almost half a bottle, more maybe” Dylan says to Eric. 

“Oh she’s gonna hate you in the morning” Eric says laughing.

“Whatever” Dylan says pretending he wouldn’t care, but he does. He likes Y/n, she’s real. Like him. They put me in the front seat of my car. And Eric drives back to the school, he drives way too fast. When we get back to the school Dylan jumps out of the car.

“Drink a lot of water Y/n and take painkillers before you go to bed” he says trying to sound indifferent. 

“Okay I will” I say to him smiling wide as I wave at him. 

“Come on let’s get you home” and so Eric brings me home, when we get there my dad’s car is gone. He parks the car perfectly for me and helps me back in my house. 

“Moooooom” I yell out. No response. I close the door behind us and see a note on the door. “What, I can’t read that” I say laughing. 

“It says sweetie we’re out for a bit but will be back before dinner. Dad brought his cell phone, call us if you need anything. I mean it, for anything. I love you baby” Eric reads feeling a little uncomfortable. 

“Oh that’s good then you can help me up the stairs” I say feeling stupid to have to ask. 

“Yeah sure” he says as we go up the stairs. He brings me to my room. “Here go sit” he says as we reach my bed. Then he surprises me by taking my shoes off. 

“Look at you mister taking care of the depressed drunk” I say as I look at him. Eric looks up and if I wasn’t so far gone I would have seen the sadness in his eyes. A look into his heart would tell me how he’s struggling really hard with seeing me like this. Not just because he likes me but because he sees his mother in a years time in me. Hurt, hated, depressed, sad and it’s ripping him apart. 

“Go lay down, do you have painkillers here?” he asks. I tell him where they are and he goes to get me some and a large glass of water. When he’s back he sees my clothes on the floor and he stops walking immediately. 

“It’s okay I’m under the covers” I tell him with a soft voice. He walks in and see me with the covers pulled over my shoulders, showing him my head only. 

“Are you sure this is okay?” he asks putting the glass and painkillers on my bedside table. I even get up straight holding the covers up over my breasts showing him a bit of cleavage and the straps of my top nothing more. 

“It’s fine, nothing in my life is private anymore Eric. Might as well give up on my pride all together” I say swallowing the pills and drinking all the water.

“Don’t say that” Eric says looking at the floor “you deserve so much more. This isn’t fair” I chuckle.

“Life isn’t fair, Eric. I just have to play it out with the cards I’ve been dealt.” I tell him. 

“You shouldn’t have to go through all this” he says still not looking at me. When I’m settled back under the covers he looks at me again. “Want me to fill that for you before I go?” he asks pointing at the glass. 

“No you’ve done enough” I say as I scoot back on my bed. 

“Alright here are your car keys” he says placing them besides the glass. “I’ll see you in school again” he says going back up but I grab his arm.

“Eric” I say “please, will you stay until I fall asleep?” I ask him. 

“Are you sure?” he asks and I nod yes. “Okay, I will then” 

I scoot back some more so he can sit next to me on the bed as I crawl underneath the blanket completely. He comes to sit down on the very edge of the bed, careful not to intrude in my space. 

“Thank you” I say closing my eyes. 

“Don’t mention it” he says. I feel myself drift off.

Tears start to stream over my cheeks “hey are you okay?” Eric asks. 

“No, no I’m not okay” I say with a soft voice filled with despair before I fall asleep.


	4. Friendship seems inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers,
> 
> I hope you all like this chapter! Let me know, please <3
> 
> \- X

I wake up because my head is killing me “oh jesus” I say as I sit up straight. Clutching my head with both my hands hoping to stop the pounding. I turn to look at the clock, 5 in the morning. “Fuck me” I say regretting every single thing that happened. A white piece of ripped out paper catches my attention. I pick it up and I recognise the handwriting. “Eric” I say out loud as I read the paper.

“Y/n we shouldn’t have let you drink so much. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want friends but I think you need them. Don’t we all need friends? Anyway I’m sorry again and you can always talk to me - Eric” 

My heart is pounding harder than my head and I hate myself for letting go of my guard like this. It’s all my fault. I look at the night stand and see a full glass of water and the painkillers. “Oh Eric” I say feeling so frustrated that I cannot be his friend. He’s been so nice, so has Dylan but I just can’t I have to take 2 steps back at least. “Fuck” I moan out. I take painkillers and go downstairs to get some food in my stomach before I take a bath. On the fridge there is another note for me. My heart sinks down in my chest.

“Honey we need to talk, we read Eric’s note. Tomorrow after school we talk about this” I rip the note off of the refrigerator, this is great. “Wonderful” I say tossing the note in the garbage can. 

“What?” I hear a voice from the living room. 

“Oh shit, I’m sorry I thought I was alone” I say looking at my dad.

“That’s okay honey” he says with a voice so lifeless it’s scares me to death.

“Dad I’m so sorry” I start but he cuts me off.

“We will talk about this when it’s not so early” he says with a chuckle “we aren’t angry honey, just really worried” 

“I really am sorry” I repeat. 

“Sweetheart” he says shaking his head “do you want me to fix you something?” 

“No it’s fine I’m just gonna eat a sandwich and take a bath before school” I let him know. 

“Alright, I’m going to try to sleep again” he says in that same horrific tone of voice. Lacking all life in it. Dad gives me a kiss before he goes back upstairs to sit in the chair in his bedroom trying not to wake my mom. I eat the sandwich as fast as I can so I can get in my bath. The water is so hot it actually hurts me, it’s making me cry. I lay there until the water is almost cold hours later. I get ready for school trying to put on a mask as best as I can for my parents. Coming downstairs I hear my mom and dad arguing. My mom wants to talk to me right now but my dad doesn’t want to put that on me before school. My mom is so worried. 

“Good morning” I say to both of them as I walk in. 

“Morning love” my mom says coming in for a hug “I made your lunch already” she says wanting to take care of me in her good moments. 

“Thank you” I say lovingly “listen mom, dad, I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did” I begin.

“Sweetheart, who is Eric?” my mom asks worried. 

“He’s a guy from school, we’re not friends. We settled on school acquaintances. But he is really kind, so far. And I swear it doesn’t look like it but I’m being careful” I say to them and I feel like I owe them some truth “Eric’s best friend is Dylan and I know him as well. We just talk a little in school” enough truth time to mix it up with fake hope “there are a few girls that I like to hang out with so I’m not letting people get to close easily but I'm also not alone” I say smiling. 

“We just want you to behave as normal as possible but be careful” my dad says “and no more alcohol” he adds. 

“No more alcohol” I repeat after him. My parents look at each other and I can see the hurt in both of them. 

“Let's have breakfast together” my mom says. 

“I’m a little late already I might pick up a donut along the way” I lie to them. My dad grabs his wallet “no no I have my own money, it’s just a donut and a coffee. I’ll be fine” 

We say goodbye and I’m on my way. Stopping at a gas station for cigarettes. When I arrive at the school parking lot I see Eric’s car parked but he’s not here. I’m relieved. Silently I walk to my locker. I need to report this shit. So I do that immediately. The lady that I talk to makes me fill out some forms and I can be on my way again. First period passes quickly but on my way to the second period it already goes wrong just not in the way I suspected it would. 

“Did I see you with that Harris fag? What, are you two fucking?” a tall guy with short dark hair says hateful. I do not respond and look at the floor. 

“Come on ugly killer whore, don’t you wanna” and he comes closer and claps loudly in front of my face as he says “shoot me” I do not respond. Then another guy has had enough of my silence and he shoves me. I can’t see them but that’s when Eric and Dylan and some friends come from around the corner. The two guys shift their focus to them. 

“Look it’s the fag family, come to collect the newest member?” the guy with the dark hair asks. 

“Why don’t you just leave us and her alone” Eric says sounding angry. 

“You can have her, I get it. She’s got a nice body at least, just forget about the whole killer dna and she may even be fuckable” he says laughing, fist bumping his friend before they leave. 

“Are you okay?” Eric asks me. 

“Are you going to keep asking me that question?” I bite at him. His friends frown at me but I don’t care.

“How is the head?” Dylan asks changing the subject. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday. It shouldn’t have happened” I say plainly. Looking at Eric and Dylan. “If you’ll excuse me I have a date with the smokers pit” I say walking past them going to the smokers pit. Which luckily for me is almost empty. With shaking hands do I open the packet of cigarettes. Only to realize I didn't buy a lighter. “Fuck” I say out loud with the cigarette already between my lips. An arm reaches past me holding a zippo. I recognize the hand. Or the ring to be specific. When I turn around I see Dylan standing there and he opens his zippo ready to light my cigarette. 

“Are you following me?” I ask defensive. 

“Just let me light your smoke miss alone-on-the-world” Dylan says unfazed. 

“Fucking hell, Dylan.” I say taking a step forward to accept him lighting it. “You and Eric are both relentless” 

“Yup” he says lighting his own cigarette. 

“Why?” I ask enjoying the burning sensation in my lungs. 

“I can’t speak for Eric but I think it’s refreshing that you’re not like others” Dylan admits.

“You like the fact that I’m fucking miserable?” I ask highly unamused. 

“Stop that wallowing shit, it doesn’t become you” he says taking a long drag of his cigarette and everything in me wants to laugh. I just say nothing. “So how is your head?” he continues as if nothing changed. 

“I’ve had worse hangovers” I tell him. Then Eric comes from around the corner. 

“What did you mean by yesterday shouldn’t have happened?” Eric asks not beating around the bush. 

“Shit, are you always this intense at this hour?” I ask him slightly annoyed.

“I’m just asking” he says pulling out Camel Red’s. 

“First off all, I broke my own rules, no shit outside of school. So that is why and secondly, you left a note on my nightstand for my parents to find. So the first thing this morning was me trying to explain who Eric was and why the fuck I’ve been drinking” I bite at Eric while I try to calm myself down with a drag of my cigarette, it’s not his fault. It’s mine.

“You left her a note?” Dylan asks with a frown on his face, Eric ignored him.

“Shit I am so sorry, I didn't think about that” Eric says apologizing “where they mad?” 

“My parents don’t have it in them to be mad at me anymore. They just get worried even worse” I say thinking about my dad early this morning. “Anyway it’s not your fault, it’s mine and Dylan don’t start again” I say trying to be ahead of Dylan and his slightly snarling comments. A grin appears on Dylan’s face. 

“Listen we are not like others” Eric begins.

‘I’ve noticed” I say to him thinking about the strange vibes I get with them sometimes. 

“I know you’ve had fucked up experiences but don’t worry about us pulling shit with you” Eric says pushing his secret in just a little deeper. Dylan is looking at his smoke. 

“Why are you two so different, I mean we know why I am but what is your deal” I ask them both

Eric and Dylan look at each other, Eric is the first to look away. 

“Doesn’t matter, we’re not like the rest and that leaves us dangling at the bottom of the food chain here” Eric tells me. 

“That’s not what I meant but okay” I say hinting I sense there is more to the story but we all leave it at this. “Went to report on my locker. I wonder how long it will take them to give me the bill and not whoever did it” 

“What? No they’ll try to find out who did it. When that locker shit with me happened they knew exactly who to bill up, fuckers” Dylan says thinking about him scratching up a locker and being held responsible. 

“Last school I went to gave the bill to me saying provocation was the real cause to why it happened. You know jocks will be jocks” I tell them. The look at each other again.

“I’m sorry but how the fuck is this all possible. I’ve been wrecking my brain about this. You and your parents are innocent how can people get away with this?” Eric asks truly confused and if I was able to look inside me I’d see the hurt this causes him when he thinks about his family. 

“There is really no other way for me to explain it. Guilty by association. That’s all it is. We don’t get to grieve the person we knew and loved because of the atrocity he commited. People need to blame and hurt someone for what he did so they can feel better. And our peers well they just have another reason to hate” looking at my cigarette as I say it all again.

“Drop it Reb” Dylan then says “nothing we can do about that, it’s just” but he doesn’t finish that sentence. When I look up I see that Eric’s eyes are dark and he looks angry. 

“Yeah there really isn’t but I told you that from the beginning” I say completely unaware what Dylan actually meant. 

“We should go, we’re gonna be late for the next class” Eric says not waiting for an answer as he walks away from us. 

“Wait when did he get angry?” I say confused because I missed the silent interaction between the two of them. 

“Who knows with him” Dylan says taking another drag not leaving for the class at all “he gets like that sometimes, that’s just Eric” 

“He seems lonely” I say thinking out loud.

“Is that what he wrote on his note?” Dylan asks trying to get out of me what the note said. 

“No” I say feeling like that is half a lie “he apologized for letting me drink so much and he offered friendship” 

“Why, you did that yourself? Nothing we did” Dylan says meaning the drinking. 

“Isn’t he a military kid?” I ask remembering something said about that. 

“Yeah why?” 

“He probably feels responsible or he puts the responsibility on himself” I say thinking about one of my old friends.

“Because he’s a military kid?” Dylan asks.

“Oh yeah, they’re raised so strictly because they live on the base. God forbid a kid does something wrong and people blame the military father, staining his image” I drop the cigarette on the floor thinking about Eric. How I’d want to be his friend, I think we’d have a lot more in common because of his background and my current situation. “But I’m only going with what I know from a boy I used to be friends with. I could be completely wrong” I say looking up at Dylan. Who in his turn thinks that I am probably completely right. I start walking to go back to school. Dylan doesn’t follow so I turn back “are you coming?” 

“No not yet” he says before he gives me a small wave bye. I do the same and make my way into the school. Class has already started, shit. I get to the classroom I need to be and when I enter the teacher tells me he’s writing me up for being late. One more time and I’ll be in trouble. Whatever but what does bother me is all the eyes on me as I get in. Then this teacher does something that hasn’t happened before. “Everyone keep your eyes to yourself, let her take a seat in peace” shocking me completely. It doesn’t happen that a teacher sticks up for me like that. The class goes by easily because the kids don’t dare to look at me too often. When the period is done I wait for all the kids to be gone and then I walk up tp the teacher.

“Sir, if every teacher would tell them to keep to themselves my life would be so much better. At school at least” I tell him before turning around. He doesn’t respond because what can he say? That I am right and therefor shaming his co-workers or that I am wrong which is obviously a lie. But I needed to tell him. Last period before lunch is awful. No help from the teacher there and when someone throws their pen right into my face he tells me to quiet down when I yelp out in pain. As soon as the bell rings I storm out of the room, leaving laughing kids behind. Making my way to the girls bathroom I look into the mirror seeing a big mark high up on my forehead. A big red graze but it’s hardly bleeding. I clean it with water a bit and decide to go see if the sound booth is empty.

Right before I want to open the door to the sound booth I see Eric close to the stairs. He’s talking to a girl. I want to go his way, see if he’s not angry anymore but I’m stopped by something. Then Eric finds me and he waves. I wave back and he gives the girl a short hug and quickly walks my way in that signature walk of his, arms a little awkwardly away from his body. But I’m glad he’s coming my way. 

“Hey” he starts “shit what happened?” he says looking at my face. 

“Oh my new boyfriend gave me a very intense hickey” I say with a small smile. Eric’s head tilts slightly as he starts to laugh.

“You make zero sense you know that” he says “one minute you don’t even want to talk to me and the next you’re joking” 

“Eric I’m about to say something and I’m only going to say it once. So listen closely” I say a little dramatically “if I’m distant or anything, it’s not you, it has nothing to do with you. If it does I will tell you but it’s all me. Okay so stop taking it personally” 

“I don’t take it personally” he tells me. 

“Okay” I say nodding my head, knowing he’s lying. 

“Let’s go lunch at Mcdonalds” Eric asks.

“Nope, I’m going to the sound booth” I tell him.

“No, come on. Let’s go to Mcdonalds” he asks again. 

“I don’t do outside of school shit remember” I say smiling. 

“Well it’s under school time so” he tries his best. I lick my lips thinking it over.

“Nope, yesterday was under schooltime as well and look how that turned out” I say back.

“They don’t sell Vodka at Mcdonalds” Eric says laughing now “come on, my treat” and I know I want to accept.

“God you can’t give up can you” I say faking annoyance trying to hide how scared I am, to him and myself.

  
  


“Let’s go” he says confidently. 

“I eat like a hippo so prepare your wallet” I tell him feeling starved since I had one sandwich in the last I don’t even know how many hours.

“Nothing fancy just the dollar burgers” he says jokingly.

“Still gonna cost you 20 bucks then” I say following him outside. 

“We’re going in my car” he tells me.

“Jesus, you’re so obtuse” I say not going in against him. 

“Obtuse, who are you my mother?” Eric says as we walk to his Honda.

“Do I look like her?” I say flipping him off. 

“Not in the slightest” he tells me before driving us to Mcdonalds to get some food. We get there and put in our orders. Eric pays like he said.

“I’m going to have to take an extra shift now” he says laughing. 

“Told you, hippo” and we take our orders and sit down in a far corner. 

“Be glad you don’t look like one” Eric says taking a seat. 

Already sitting I tell him “I lost almost 20 pounds in the last year” I say starting on my fries. 

“Jesus, that’s a lot. No wonder you’re so thin” he says taking a bite from his burger. 

“I guess but it’s better then looking like a hippo” I say smiling.

“Even with the 20 pounds you would have been pretty and nothing like a hippo” he says carelessly. 

“No don’t do that” I say taking in as many fries in once as I can. 

“Do what?” he asks with a mouthful. 

“Call me pretty, don’t make it awkward” I say with my cheeks full of food. 

“Well when you eat like that it’s not gonna be hard” he says with a chuckle.

“Dude you’re doing the same thing” I retort “if you’re gonna say something like me being a girl I will flip my shit” 

Eric takes a sip from his drink “I give you one complement and the fucking world ends” 

“Just eat, Eric so we can go back to school” I say looking around as it starts to fill up with kids. 

“Relax just eat up” he says following my eyes. We eat our food with little conversation and the second I’m done I get up, ready to go. It’s too loud, too many people. “I’m not done yet” he says holding his drink up.

“You can take that with you” I say holding up my tray. Eric looks at me and then gets up.

“Alright, let’s go back” and we walk back to his car. I keep my head down trying not to catch any eyes on me. I start to pull on the door handle as if it will open if I just try hard enough. 

“Hey take it easy” Eric says before opening my door for me. I get in as fast as I can and Eric closes the door. I sigh out loud and feel my eyes starting to sting. Doing my hardest not to start hyperventilating I place my hands before my face trying to stop the tears. 

Eric’s door opens and he gets in “almost go” but he stops talking. “Hey are you okay?” he asks again.

“Honestly Eric, again? Asking me if I’m okay” I sneer at him. 

“Fine” he says starting the car. My hands drop to my lap.

“I’m sorry, I’m being a jerk” I say as he starts to drive.

“No it’s fine, I understand” Eric says salty “you’ve told me enough times to stop asking if you’re okay” 

“This was the first time I went to Mcdonalds or any other place to eat since” I tell Eric looking at him. He looks back at me. 

“It all became too much and I’m sorry” I continue.

“You should have told me, I wouldn’t have pressed on if I knew” Eric tells me. 

“I’m sorry, I’m such a fuck up. Can’t even eat out normally” I say looking at my hands, happy my breathing is slowing down. 

“Don’t say that” Eric tells me “you’re not a fuck up, you just got fucked up” 

“Yeah that sounds much better” I say laughing.

“Fuck, you know what I mean” Eric says smiling as I look at him. He looks back at me but quickly averts his eyes. “There is still time for you to have some peace in the sound booth” he says as we pull up in his parking spot. We walk back into the school and I quickly walk to the sound booth. Eric tries to say bye but I tell him to just come with me. Doesn’t take much to convince him. When we walk into the sound booth we see Dylan there. 

We look at each other and Dylan asks “where did you two go?” 

“Mcdonalds” Eric says before closing the door behind me.

“Shit I could have gone for some burgers” Dylan says.

“You missed out big time, I had a mental breakdown. It was fun” I say taking a seat in my usual spot. 

Eric and Dylan look at each other and I just sigh. 

“Sure sounds like I missed out. Did you bawl like a baby?” Dylan asks with that evil grin of his. 

“No but she forgot how to breath properly, thought I had to find a shovel somewhere” Eric says joining him. I’m very glad we can make a big joke out of it. Beats feeling embarrassed or sad about it. We spend the rest of lunch there before we go our separate ways. 

Lucky for me this period passes without much happening. My eyebrow hurts a little but other then that I’m fine. In the next break I go to smoke and Dylan is already there. Talking to a guy. I get in the pit and say nothing to Dylan, so he can keep talking. When the guy leaves, Dylan walks up to me. 

“You could have joined us talking” he says.

“Didn't wanna interrupt” I tell him. He nods and he pulls out his zippo.

“You need your own lighter” he says as he lights my smoke.

“Yeah I do” and I take that first drag, letting it run as deep as I can. 

“What happened there” Dylan says briefly touching my forehead with his knuckles. 

“Eric got mad at me for talking with my mouth full” I say dead serious. 

“What happened?” he repeats going over me.

“Just shit people throwing pens at me” I say downplaying it. 

“Fucking zombies” Dylan says a lot more angry about it then he lets on. 

“Not to sound like I’m wallowing but I’ve had worse happen so I’m fine” I say more to myself then him. 

“What was the worst then?” he asks. 

“Pff you don’t wanna know” 

“I asked didn't I” he tells me. I look at Dylan and start shaking my head. 

“I can’t talk about it” I tell him. 

He sees how serious I am “okay don’t worry, I shouldn’t have asked in the first place” 

“If I’d ever tell anyone it would probably be you though” I blurt out. He looks at me with his cigarette still on his lips and he nods. Saying nothing about this anymore. 

“I think I’m gonna head on in” he says 

“Okay, see ya” I tell him as I stay there. He walks away and tears start to stream down my cheeks. I pull out the note Eric left me out of my back pocket. Reading it again, he has no idea how right he is. I’d give anything to have a real friend again. And I like Dylan and Eric, they could be real friends. But I can’t. I just can’t. Knowing I can’t stay here and cry my eyes out I decide to toss my smoke on the floor and go back into the school so I can get ready for the next class. 

Once I’m in the class I get called out by the lady who took my forms. She takes me with her in her office. 

“We won’t be able to find out who did this. However we can’t just let this go by, the school isn’t responsible for the damage done.” she says looking at me with uncaring eyes. 

“So I will have to pay for the damage” I finish her bullshit.

“Yes” she says as if it’s completely normal. 

“Someone does this and not only gets away with it but I will be punished. Eric really was right” I say getting up from my seat. “Give me the bill so I don’t have to be here anymore” 

“Young lady, show some respect” she says handing me the bill. 

I want to tell her she doesn’t deserve any. Get angry at the injustice that’s done to me. But I don’t. I can pay the bill without my parents knowing about it but if I’m rude she will tell them. 

“I’m sorry” I tell her looking at the floor “I shouldn’t have said what I said” 

“I accept your apology, don’t let it happen again” she says dramatically. 

“I won’t ma’am” I say feeling a numbness coming over me until I’ll be alone later. That’s when it will all come out. I don’t even wanna look at the bill. I go to my next class or so I think. My legs are taking me to the sound booth. Where I’ll spend the rest of the day, hiding. Crying. Until I get to go home.

Going to my car I see Eric standing there waiting. 

“Really? Waiting for me by my car?” I ask him. 

“Yeah, I didn't see you in school anymore and just wanted to check on you” he says kindly.

“Eric, that’s too much of a friend thing to do” I say trying not to look at him. 

“I think we should be friends” Eric tells me “but that’s up to you” 

I just cross my arms and look at him “how about I get back to you in a year from now” I say. His eyes change, his whole posture does. 

“I won’t be here in a years time” he says harshly and fortunately for me I do not know what he means by that. 

“Why not?” I ask him.

“Doesn’t matter” he says “I’ll see you tomorrow” 

“Eric” I call out and he turns around immediately “it’s not personal remember”

“I thought you were only gonna say it once” he says sounding different, a little less sad. 

“Yeah well I’m afraid you’re growing on me” I tell him as I open my car door. A smile forms on his lips.

“So we are becoming friends” he says emphasizing the word are, smiling wide. 

“Don’t push it, Harris” I say getting into my car. He waves before getting in his. I just roll my eyes so he can see, making him laugh again. Driving home I keep looking at my face in the mirror. Fuck they’re gonna know exactly what that means. So I decide to make a stop before I get home. When I get home my mom is asleep on the couch and I’m not waking her up. My dad isn’t here. I get up to my room and open the bill. It’s 75 dollars “fucking hell” I say loudly. I go to my savings in the back of my closet and take out 75 dollars. I put it in the envelope of the bill to bring with me the next day. Laying on my bed I take out Eric’s note. Read it again and then put it with his other note and the one Dylan left me. 

I keep thinking about Eric’s face when I said he was growing on me. It’s not going to be long before I cave and just become friends with both of them. Deep down I don’t even mind. I need friends so fucking bad. Don’t we all need friends?


	5. Loving sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beautiful readers <3
> 
> Here is another chapter of this story! LEt me know what you think, as always!
> 
> \- X

A tap on my shoulder scares the hell out of me. I push my headphones off my head and turn around as fast as I can. 

“Eric holy fuck you scared the shit out of me” I say trying to let my heart know there is no danger.

“Sorry about that” he says with a chuckle “you cut your hair?”

“Yeah I did.” I say to him.

“I’d tell you it looks good but I’m sure you’ll lose your shit over another compliment in two days' time” he says, making me shake my head with a small smile on my face.

“So you like the bangs?” I ask closing my locker.

“I do, it suits you,” he says sweetly.

“Gross, you’re actually sweet and shit” I say with a disgusted face. 

“Fuck you” he says chuckling.

“Damn, sweet and abusive. I’m falling in love here” I say rolling my eyes.

“Oh for fucks sake, I can’t with you. Choose please” he says as we start walking to our class together. 

“Choose what?” I ask confused.

“Either be friendly and funny like now or be distant and unfriendly” he clarifies for me.

“Dude” I say raising my hands “I can’t choose, that’s what you’re stuck with, with me. Besides who are you to ask me to choose between those two sides of me” I say unapologetic. 

“What do you mean?” he asks, frowning.

“You’re hot and cold yourself as well. One moment you’re giving compliments and the next you walk off all pissed” I say looking at him. He easily makes eye contact and I can see his brain processing what I just said.

“Well motherfucker, you are the most blunt girl I have ever met” Eric says almost cheerfully.

“You almost sound impressed” I say with my brows raised up high.

“Because I am, I really like how there is no bullshit with you” he says smiling.

“Yeah that’s me, pretty straight forward. No bullshit but you get mental breakdowns and other shit with me though” I say with a big fake smile. 

“Jackpot,” he says, making me chuckle.

“Damn I found someone just as insane as me I guess” I say as we almost approach the door. 

“You have no idea” he says with a smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes because they are completely cold. “Let’s get this shit over with” he says, opening the door for me.

“Yeah lets” I say walking in and I see Dylan already sitting in class. I walk up to him and say “good morning” . He looks a little surprised by my approach.

“Morning, what’s up?” he asks looking at Eric.

“Oh you know, she fell in love with me just now” Eric says casually.

“Dear God” I say with a sigh as I take place next to Dylan “how are you, Dylan” I say emphasizing his name so Eric knows that our part of the conversation is over.

“I’m good, you cut your hair, why?” Dylan asks, looking the new hairdo over. I start to rub my bangs down.

“Watch out dude, I said one thing about her hair and she went for my throat” Eric says behind us. I look back smiling. 

“I don’t know, I just felt like doing something different” I say, hiding the real reason. Dylan doesn’t say anything else about it. The teacher comes in and we all try our best to focus on what we have to do. Another tap on my shoulder and when I turn I see Eric passing me a note. I take it from his hand, peek at the teacher before opening it in my lap.

“We have bowling on Mondays, join us” it says. I look at Eric and frown. 

“Bowling as a class on Monday?” I write down before I pass the note to Eric. Not long after I get the note back. Dylan looks at the exchange but turns away from it.

“Yeah, it’s fun. I can help you sign up for it” he wrote down for me to read. 

“Sure why not” I write on the note nervously, but it’s for school so I’ll give it a shot. I give it to Eric who accidentally answers out loud.

“Awesome” he blurts out in a silent classroom. 

“Pardon me?” the teacher asks.

“Sorry sir” Eric says like a good boy. 

“Focus please,” the teacher says uninterested.

“Yes sir” Eric says before we go through the rest of the class in silence. When we are excused Dylan turns to Eric.

“What is awesome?” he asks Eric.

“I’m getting her to sign up for bowling,” Eric says joyful.

“Oh that’s cool” Dylan says as we exit the classroom. Dylan then finds a friend with thick eyebrows who looks at me a little funny but doesn’t say anything. Eric walks with me to the administration real quick.

“Good, then I can pay for the locker shit as well” I say as we’re almost there.

“Such fucking bullshit” Eric says pissed about it.

“Yeah but this way my parents won’t find out” I say absentmindedly as we’re approached by that same woman who thought it was absolutely logical to make me pay for the unsafe environment they put me in. Eric looks at me and he’s upset for me, that I need to protect my parents like that. His heart is having the most difficult time dealing with all of this.

“Hello ma’am, I was here yesterday and I want to pay for the bill” I say to her. She takes off her glasses and looks at me and Eric.

“Alright, that’s quick. You have two weeks to pay for it” she says.

“I have the money, no need to wait.” I tell her as I hand her the envelope with the bill and money. She looks at it, counts the money and then proceeds to take it in and give me my receipt for paying. 

“And I want to help her sign up for bowling class if there is still an opening” Eric says politely. The mask he wears around adults is actually scaring me. She also helps me sign up, I start next Monday. Eric and I are both happy about it. Bowling doesn’t sound too bad and getting up early doesn’t matter, I hardly sleep as it is. When that is done we go our separate ways to class. Until lunch everything goes by pretty well. I look for Eric and Dylan. I see neither of them. So I decide to go have a smoke, see if Dylan is there. Dylan is there and he looks angry.

“No need to look so angry I brought my own lighter” I say walking in.

“Stop, I’m not in the mood” he says, looking quite intimidating with his trench coat on. 

“Consider me stopped” I say, lighting my own cigarette. “I couldn’t find Eric in the commons, where is he?” 

“He left, shit went down” Dylan says looking really angry.

“What kind of shit?” I ask him, afraid I already know.

“Fucking jocks” he spits out “that’s what happened” 

“Oh no what did they do to him?” I ask Dylan.

“None of my business telling you” he says shortly.

“Fair enough but tell me is he okay?” I ask him, feeling a little worried. Dylan just looks at me funny.

“Why did you really cut the bangs?” he asks, going over me. I look at him and feel a little uneasy but I answer him.

“To hide the mark from my parents” I say to him. 

“I knew it,” Dylan informs me.

“If you knew then why did you ask?” I want to know.

“In case you wanted to lie and not talk about it” he tells me and somehow that feels sweet and safe. 

“And you wouldn’t mind if I lied to you?” I ask him.

“We all lie Y/n” he says looking at a little scab on his left hand. I wonder what that’s from. “Eric got hurt, it was bad,” he says, still looking at his hand. I feel awful because I know just how bad it hurts when that happens. “I was actually gonna ask you and Eric to come watch a movie after school. My parents are out so might as well take advantage of it.

“I don’t do outside of school stuff, remember” I say not even believing it myself anymore.

“So you get drunk off school grounds and you go eat but a movie is outside of school stuff?” he asks with an annoyed look. 

“Yeah I’m beginning to sound repetitive and stupid” I say to him. “Sure I’ll watch a movie” I say giving up on my stupid wall. 

The rest of the day goes by just fine and it freaks me out. It’s the calm before the storm, I hate it. I meet Dylan by his locker and together we walk towards the exit.

“I will have to make a call from school to my parents,” I say to Dylan.

“You can use the phone at my place” Dylan tells me.

“Nope because I’m telling them I’m going shopping straight after school and if I call from your place they will call the number back and know I wasn’t at school when I made the call” I explain.

“Whatever you want” he says uncaringly. So we go to the administration and I ask to use the phone.

“Mom” I say as she answers “I’m fine, don’t worry. I just wanted to say that I wanna go to the mall. I need some small things and I just need to get out” I lie to her. She tells me to be home before dinner and be careful. I can hear how worried she is. “Don’t worry mom, I’ll be careful as always” she warns me not to go to certain places “I promise mom I will not go to any place I shouldn’t be” I tell her before we hang up.

“She is going to call the number back any minute to see if it’s really school and that I walked away fine” I tell Dylan as we hurry to our cars. 

“What places shouldn’t you be?” he asks before we go to our own cars. 

“Where people will recognise me immediately and a few other places” I say before I want to walk away.

“What are those other places then?” he asks curiously. 

“Well you know, go with boys I hardly know would be one, and your bed is probably a place she wouldn’t want to find me in” I say with a small grin before walking away, leaving Dylan behind with a chalk white face. I follow his car when he drives out in front of me. The drive is longer than I expected. When we drive up to his place I feel my jaw hanging below my face. He gets out and walks to his front door. 

“Jesus Christ you could have warned me you were taking me to the middle of nowhere to a freaking castle” I say as I walk up to him. Dylan just grins. 

“Watching your jaw drop was way more fun” he says getting in. We take off our coats and walk further into the house. 

“This is a nice house” I tell him looking around. I let my fingers slide over certain furniture pieces and when I see pictures I walk over there and pick up one with two young boys in it. “You have a brother” I say looking at the picture. 

“Yeah, Byron. He’s a dick” he says walking towards me. “Shit I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say” Dylan says looking at me holding the picture. I try to swallow the lump in my throat to no avail.

“Why? If he’s a dick then that’s what he is” I say trying to sound convincing but I do not. It hurts, I’m always jealous of people who have a brother. I can’t help it.

“I guess” is all Dylan says and then he walks away “want something to drink?” 

“Sure, anything is fine” I say while putting the picture back and picking up another. It’s his whole family in it. They look a little country in the picture for some reason. 

“Got you some battery acid” he says coming back holding two soda’s. 

“Finally, almost free” I say, hitting him in the gut without knowing it. I smile as I take the soda from him. “You look like both your parents but your mom has some strong genes. You have the exact same chin as hers” and I put the photo back. “A handsome looking family, you guys look happy” 

“I guess” is what he says but had I been able to look into his head I’d see a boy who feels as lost as I do. Living in despair, eager for a way out. Had I known what he felt was his only way out I would have run in the other direction, pulled every cop to his doorstep hoping to stop him and his partner in crime. But I can’t. All I see is sad eyes on a guy I can see being my friend. 

“What movie are we watching?” I ask him. “Titanic” and I wiggle my eyebrows. 

“Fuck no” he says thinking about an alternative “I don’t know actually, what movies do you like?” he asks. 

“You’re gonna hate my answer” I say walking through his house.

“Try me,” he says.

“I love romantic movies the most out of everything. But a close second is anything scary.” I tell him.

“Romantic movies” he repeats.

“Yeah you know the ones that make you die of embarrassment when you watch them with your parents.” I say smiling as I look at some art on the wall. I do not notice Dylan’s eyes on me at all. “Because the loving scenes make you burn so bad for love you’re afraid they can see you craving for it. Or it’s a graphic love scene and you have to pretend to not be interested in that shit at all before you get lectures about the opposite sex” I say lost in my own thoughts before letting my finger run over the painting. “Did anyone in your family make this?” I ask Dylan who quickly averts his eyes. He clears his throat.

“Yeah my mom, she’s artistic and shit” he says with a gentle voice.

“Artistic and shit, you have such a way with words” I say with a smile “but don’t worry I would never make you watch such an awful movie with me. Put in anything scary of your choosing I don’t mind if I’ve seen it already” I say.

“What if you’ve seen it more than once before?” he asks, making his way to where they keep the movies. 

“Dylan I have seen most movies I know more than twice. It’s all I do these days. Watch movies and read books.” I say as I walk over to him.

He stops looking through the movies “we can do something else if you want” 

“Like what?” I ask him while opening my drink.

“Do you play videogames?” he asks me. 

“I haven’t in a long time, I have no one to play with anymore and I don’t play alone” I say with a chuckle even though it’s just sad. 

“What games did you play?” he asks.

“Mortal kombat, DOOM, Duke Nukem, Street fighter and all the good games” I tell him.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me” he says staring at me.

“Nope, and I wasn’t even that bad. I definitely wasn’t very good but I also didn't suck” I tell him. 

“Come on” he says before walking up the stairs with me behind him. He walks into his room and starts up the console immediately. 

“A girl in your room, are you insane” I say before walking in. He just looks at me with a small smile before he starts everything up and gets another controller. “What are we playing?” I ask him.

“Street fighter” he tells me. 

“Alright” and thus we start playing, Dylan is extremely good and beats me every single time but it’s fun and I have missed this so much. After about 30 minutes of only game talk Dylan asks me a question that I didn't see coming.

“Tell me about your brother” he asks. I look at him in shock and when he sees my face he continues “what was he like” I feel the controller lower in my lap and I think about what to say. 

“He was uh” my voice so soft I feel like he can barely hear me “my best friend” I say raising one brow. “And he made sure I feel guilty everytime I cry over him” I say, feeling angry at this moment. “I can’t talk about him,” I say resolutely.

“I didn't mean to upset you I just thought maybe you’d wanna talk about who he was to you not the monster, as you say it people see him as” Dylan says blowing me off my socks.

“You wouldn’t think I’m insane for still loving him?” I ask him, genuinely surprised.

“No,” Dylan says, pulling a face that says absolutely-not. Without knowing it was coming myself a dam burst open. I tell him everything I love about my brother, who he was to me. The fun we had, things we did, arguments we had and everything in between. I feel my heart pound in my throat the whole time, afraid he’s recording me or something but I cannot stop talking if my life depended on it. Dylan listens, he listens so well and he asks perfect questions. He laughs at my silly stories and before I know it almost 2 hours have flown by.

“He could have been my friend, easily. He sounds like he was an awesome dude” Dylan says when I’ve finally stopped rambling about him.

“Instead you got stuck with me” I say with a chuckle. But the chuckle stops as fast as it came up. I look at Dylan and feel the heaviness return in my body. “I should probably head on home” I say crawling back into my shell in one blow. 

“Hey are you okay?” Dylan asks. 

“Not really but thank you for letting me talk about him” I say, feeling tears come up as I’m overwhelmed by the emptiness that followed again after talking about him so lovingly. I get up and Dylan does the same. 

“Shit I feel bad,” he tells me.

“No, why? I loved talking about him like this” I say with a smile as the tears start rolling over my cheeks. I wipe them away as fast as I can. “I just really need to go home, my capability of being around people is just gone right now. It’s not your fault I feel like this” I tell him and I give him a hug. Short and he barely hugged me back. “It’s his fault” I say looking at Dylan whose face is unreadable before turning around. Dylan follows me down. I walk to the front door and get my coat. “Thanks for having me here” I say as I walk out the door. 

“No problem, are you gonna be okay driving home?” Dylan asks and I see honest worry in his eyes. 

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m fine” I say lying through my teeth and he knows it.

“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow” he says with a smile. I wave at him and drive myself home. Where both my parents are waiting for me. 

“Hey love” my mom says looking at me while I give her the best smile I can produce. “How was your afternoon?” 

“It was okay actually. Besides the fact that I forgot my bag with stuff in the bathroom off the mall” I lie to them. 

“Oh no, did you lose much?” my dad asks. 

“Nah just a few little things but I couldn’t be bothered to get them again. My energy got drained from being around people” I tell them. “And I’m starving” I say knowing it always makes my parents happy when they see me eat well and because it’s true. 

“Well let's have dinner early tonight then” my dad says as he grabs the phone to order us pizza.

“Sounds great” I say before getting my stuff upstairs to do my homework. When I’m done I go down to eat. The pizza is delicious and I really am starving. We talk little while we eat and watch some dumb show on the television. When I’m done eating I have to admit to myself that my mind wanders off to Eric. I wonder how he’s doing. “Mom” 

“Yes love?” she asks.

“Can I take the phone upstairs and call Eric?” I ask her, trying to let her in a little on becoming friends with people. She looks at my dad and then back to me.

“Sure but tell us a little more about him” she asks looking at me with her tired eyes.

“He’s a military kid, his dad is a major and now teaching I believe. Eric is nice, a little different then most guys my age but he reminds me a lot of Angelo.” I say with a smile. 

“Angelo” my dad says “I wonder how he is doing” he says with a smile. 

“Me too” I say smiling as I think about my best friend from when I was 10 up to 14. “Anyway I want to go call him since it’s okay” I say to them.

“Be careful” my mom says and I can hear the fear in her voice.

“Yes mom, he’s really not like most guys, neither is Dylan. Oh and Eric got me into this class for school on Monday, it’s bowling, early before first period in school” I say with a smile. 

“Bowling, that is awesome” my dad says with his best smile, we’re all putting on smiles for each other. It’s our way of coping with everything. I nod and grab the phone. Fly up the stairs and grab the note he left me underneath my windshield wiper. A little nervous I dial the number someone answers who I think is his mom.

“Hello Mrs Harris, is Eric home? I’m Y/n we’re classmates” I tell her. She says he is home and that she’ll go see if he’s available to talk. Which feels like fancy for if he feels up to talking to me. After a little pause a familiar voice says.

“Y/n?” Eric asks.

“Hey Eric” I say a little nervously “are you okay?” 

“I see the roles are in reverse now” he says, sounding like he wants to be funny but he sounds awful.

“You sound horrible” I tell him in all honesty. 

“Thanks, I missed you too,” he says with a chuckle.

“Yeah sorry I didn't mean it like that” I say settling on my bed “I heard from Dylan what happened, or at least that jocks happened and I just wanted to make sure you’re not hurt”. 

It’s silent on the other line “Eric?” I ask.

“Yeah sorry I am uh just a little surprised to say the least” he tells me. “This is almost like a friend thing to do,” Eric says.

“Eric” I say without thinking it through “do you wanna meet up in a bit?” 

“Sure let’s meet where we sat with Dylan” he says sounding excited.

“Yeah sounds good, 10 minutes?” I ask him.

“See you then” he says and he hangs up. Shit. I walk back downstairs and wonder if I’m telling the truth or not. When I see my mom and dad napping together I decide to leave a note with a lie saying I’m out on a walk and will be back in 1 hour max. I grab my coat and car keys and go meet Eric. When I get there he is already there. Sitting on the table we sat next to the previous time. He smiles when he sees me, a lopsided smile. 

“Hey” I say as I approach him. 

“Hey, so I have to say that I did not expect this,” Eric tells me as I sit on the table next to him looking at him. 

“Me neither” I tell him honestly and I see he’s been feeling miserable “but I just wanted to see how you’re doing. Dylan didn't give me any details but he said it was bad” 

“So you worry about me huh” Eric says smiling again. I roll my eyes at him “yeah you did” he says again.

“Eric stop playing and answer my question” I say to him. His facial expression changes.

“It was fucked up” he admits “but it’s fine” he says downplaying it. 

“If they hurt you it’s not fine” I tell him. He looks at me and I don’t really know what he’s thinking.

“What made you decide to call?” he asks.

“I’m afraid I have to admit to myself that we’re probably friends” I say without looking at him. 

“I’m fucking shocked” he says chuckling.

“Shut up, don’t ruin it before it starts” I say smiling, showing him teeth. 

“Alright” he says looking at me “thank you for calling and asking to meet me”

“You’re welcome” and I think back about my time with Dylan. “Thank you for the note you left me when you helped my drunk ass in bed” 

“It got you in trouble, what are you talking about?” he asks misunderstand me probably thinking I’m sarcastic. 

“It didn't, my parents really weren’t angry. And you were right” I tell him.

“Right about what?” he asks looking over me.

“We all need friends” I say making eye contact with him “you may even find out that I’m not bad at being friends as long as you can accept the fact that I’m not always good company” I say in all honesty.

“Well I’m not sure I’m a good friend if I’m honest but I do know I’m bad company a lot of the times” he says trying to play it off with a chuckle. 

“From what I’ve seen you can be really nice, to me at least. You even liked my bangs” I say smiling as I rub them down, hiding my little graze above my eyebrow. 

“The bangs look fine but you got them for a shitty reason” he says looking at me. 

“Yeah well I want to protect my parents” I say looking past him. 

“I admire that if I’m honest. I wish I could protect my parents” he says looking at his right hand. There’s a scab there, just like Dylan has on his left hand.

“Protect them from what?” I ask him a little apprehensively. 

“Me I guess,” he says, still not looking up at me.

“You? Why?” I ask obliviously. 

Eric looks at me and says “I got arrested last year, for stealing some shit. My parents still don’t trust me” he admits.

“You stole things?” I ask him.

“Yeah, from a van. It was stupid I know.” he says looking really ashamed.

“Yeah that is stupid but you look like you learned your lesson. No more crime for Eric Harris” I say with a smile. He starts to pick at the scab.

“Sure,” he says, still trying to pick the scab off, not being able to face me knowing what he’s planning. I place my hand on his shoulder and that’s when he looks up at me. 

“I’m sorry those fucking jocks make your life so much harder. You definitely don’t deserve it” I say to him.

“It’s not your fault, but thanks. I’d say you’re sweet but then that hand might start to choke me” he says with a chuckle.

“Damn straight” I say, pulling my hand back. “Why do they pick on you so much, how did you end up just above me in the food chain?” 

“It’s more like why not. I’m not from here, my accent, my scars the fact that I’m fucking tiny” and I can clearly hear how bad he feels about this.

“Tiny? What are you talking about?” I ask, frowning. He looks at me like are you kidding me? “Get on up” I say to him. I stand up on the table. He looks up at me with that lopsided smirk again before he too gets up on the table. “Sure you’re not Dylan huge, but how many freaking people are. Look” and I take a step forward, feeling a little self conscious at how close I’m standing to him but I continue nonetheless. “My face is in your neck, that’s a whole head bigger. That is not tiny” I say with a grin. 

“Well when you put it like that, I’m still freaking skinny though” Eric says as I take a step backwards. 

“So was my dad when he was your age, he isn’t anymore” I say laughing. 

“He’s not?” Eric asks curiously.

“Nope, he used to always go to the gym, he can do pushups with me eating ice cream on his back” I say laughing at the memory.

“You weigh nothing” he says laughing now too with his hands on his hips. I jump down on the seat of the picnic table. 

“Look now I can’t even say on what level my head is without making this horrifyingly awkward” I say bursting out laughing. Eric follows me down laughing as well. “What scars are you talking about and why do they fucking bully you about those?” I ask him when we’re sitting again after the laughter died down. Not yet had I seen Eric blushing but he is now. 

“I had a huge surgery on my chest” he tells me looking at me.

“What kind of surgery, like open heart shit or something?” I ask him.

“No nothing like that. I was born with a dent in my chest and I had surgery to correct it but there is still a small dent. But a lot better though” he says sounding insecure. 

“Oh I didn't even know that was a possibility, a dent in a chest” I say looking at his chest “you can’t see it through your clothes though” 

Eric looks down and starts to laugh a little nervously “do you have any scars?” he asks.

“Oh I have a lot” I say looking at him.

“Where?” he asks.

“When I look in the mirror I see them everywhere. They’re not visible to you though. Every single one of them is between my ears” I say looking at my hands. 

“Nice try, that doesn’t count” he says and when I look up a little shocked I see a cheeky smile on his face making me laugh again. 

“I haven’t smiled as much in the past 7 months as I have in the past days with you and Dylan” I admit to Eric. 

“Are you for real?” he asks shocked. I nod my head. “Can I ask you something but I’m afraid it will upset you. So if it does ple” and I interrupt.

“Just ask” I say knowing it’s about my brother.

“Why did your brother do what he did?” he asks looking at me.

Immediately my eyes fall down. 

“Shit I’m sorry, see I knew I shouldn’t have said anything” he says more to himself then me. 

“I can’t talk about that. It makes me want to die” I admit to him.

“No, don't say that” Eric says looking upset. 

“Why? Look at my life Eric. What is left?” I ask him. 

He seems to really think about it. “I don’t know what to say,” he says, still making eye-contact with me.

“That’s okay, Eric. There is nothing to say.” I say to him.

“It sucks because I don’t want you to feel like this” and he continues “you don’t deserve this shit”

“Damn, Harris you need to stop talking right now” I say looking at him with wide eyes.

“What, why?” he asks confused.

“You’ll make me cry, that’s why. The only people that show me they care about me are my parents since it happened. So stop” I say to him.

“Don’t worry who says I care about you” he says laughing.

“Oh yeah, my bad” I say laughing as well. 

“So can I ask you to do stuff outside of school now or no?” he asks me, sounding a little unsure. 

“I don’t do anything. I’m scared to go outside, this place is secluded but I don’t do malls and such” I admit to him.

“You’re scared to go outside?” he asks loudly with big eyes. 

I nod yes “once a random woman started yelling at me in a grocery store, saying she knew I was an accomplice” I say reliving the moment.

“What a fucking bitch” he says sounding furious.

“But if you’re ready to be thoroughly asked about a lot of shit you can hang out at my place but it’s under strict rules. I’m allowed to go to you if my parents have met your parents and everything is okay” I tell him. 

“Sure I’ll come to your place” he says, not mentioning his parents because I know he’s not sure how they would react.

“I can always lie about going for a drive or something and meet you at your place” I say looking at our cars.

“Cool with me, you can hang out with me anytime” Eric says kindly.

“Okay I’m not sure when because my battery runs low when I’m around people for a long time and today was a long day ”  I tell him. 

“No problem, you can always call me and we can meet here or wherever you want. Whatever you want” he tells me. Making me smile.

“Thank you” I say, feeling absolutely drained. “I’m going to go home now” I say getting up. 

“Sure” Eric says and we walk back to our cars. When we get there and I open my door ready to go Eric tells me “I do care about you” with a small smile on his face. I smile back and nod at him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Eric,” I say before driving home. That night I’d sleep better than I had in months. No nightmares, nothing. Just a deep and comfortable night's rest.


	6. Rebldomakr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :)
> 
> Hope you all been having good days, let me know what you think of this chapter <3
> 
> \- X

Opening my eyes slowly to the sound of a few cars passing by. I raise my hands up and rub out the sleep. I turn on my right side to look at my alarm. It's almost one in the afternoon. I sit up straight feeling so confused. I slept till one in the afternoon? When did I fall asleep? Thinking back to last night. I met with Eric, came home and took a bath. Then it already starts to get fuzzy. Did I fall asleep immediately after my bath? A chill runs over my body, looking down I see I’m only wearing a top and my undies. No pajamas. I fell asleep immediately after my bath. I let my body drop down back on the bed. Placing my elbow over my eyes I decide it’s already way too late to go to school so I might as well take my time waking up. 

Finally dressed I walk down stairs where I see my mom curled up on the couch. She’s asleep. Quietly I walk to the kitchen where I see my dad on the table with some papers. 

“You’re awake” he says smiling.

“Why didn't anyone wake me up? I missed school completely” I say taking a seat at the table with my dad. He takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes.

“We felt that if you were still asleep you’d need it. I haven’t seen you sleep in so late for a very long time” he says looking at me with fondness.

“Not since those first few weeks when all I could do was sleep” I say with a sigh. My dad nods. “I miss him so much,” I say to my dad. His hand goes up to my cheek. “Me too, and that’s okay. No matter what anyone says. Do you understand?” he says adamantly. I nod yes, thinking about what I talked about with Dylan and I decide to tell my dad. Everything, I tell him everything I talked about with Dylan. That Dylan had asked me to talk about the boy and not the monster. How Dylan never watches the way he speaks with me, not so delicately like anyone else around me. Even Eric. Eric is more reserved in the way he talks to me. I tell my dad about Eric as well. Carefully leaving out everything related to jocks, bullies and cruel teachers or other staff members. It’s important to me that my dad knows about my friendships with them but I still can’t let him hurt anymore. My father is a great listener and he asks important questions. I can’t tell him much about Dylan and Eric or their parents and he’s not happy about that but he understands that these friendships are only just coming together. After we talk I want to go make lunch but my dad offers to go get us something grossly unhealthy to which I cannot say no. So I sit closely next to my mom and watch her sleep. She’s in so much pain and it only seems to get worse for her. When my dad comes in with Burger King he wakes up my mom who isn’t hungry so he puts her food aside and we eat together. Then we curl up together on the couch and pull blankets all over us. My mom falls right back asleep while my dad and I watch a movie. When that is over I feel a little restless. So I decide to make a call. 

  
  


“Hello, this is Y/n again. Is Eric home from school already?” I ask his mom. He is and she is going to get him for me. 

“Hey Eric” I say when he takes the horn. 

“Hi, are you okay?” he asks worriedly.

“Stop worrying so much, I’m fine I just slept through my alarm. I woke up in the afternoon” I say with a chuckle.

“Damn that’s impressive for an insomniac” he says laughing “hope your parents weren’t mad when you missed school” 

“Oh no, they let me sleep. I’m sure my dad shut off my alarm when he noticed me not waking up. I had a long talk with my dad actually” I tell Eric while I pull my legs up on my bed. 

“Oh yeah what about?” he asks me.

“You and Dylan mostly” I say “and he got us Burger King so that was good” I say, feeling very self conscious. 

“What did you tell him about us?” Eric asks me. 

“Oh you know, how awful the both of you treat me” I say jokingly.

“I’ll beat you up next time I see you” he says chuckling.

“See, point proven” I say smiling “Eric, do you wanna hang out?” I ask him, feeling really nervous about it. 

“Yeah where do you want to meet?” Eric asks, sounding excited already.

“Your place?” I ask. 

“Sure, I'll be home come whenever you want,” he says.

“Alright, I’ll come right over” I tell him. He gives me the address and we hang up. I get ready to go and lie to my parents. When I get to Eric’s I sit in the car for a moment. The house looks beautiful already on the outside. The whole cul-de-sac does. When I finally get out of the car I walk up to the door. It’s Eric that opens it. 

“Y/n” he says with a smile “come in” I do as he says and the second I get into the house my anxiety shoots through the roof. What if they recognise me immediately and send me away. And they get mad at Eric. “My mom is home so I’ll have to introduce you” he tells me, maybe to prepare me, I’m not sure “but don’t worry she’ll like you” he tells me. “Really” he adds. 

“Okay” I say, feeling my heart beat high up in my throat. Afraid for every possible bad scenario. We walk inside and I see a big open living room with a fireplace. Lots of woodwork. His mom is sitting on a couch and she has the sweetest looking face. Big bright apple cheeks. She starts to smile as she sees me.

“Hello, Y/n right? We spoke on the phone” she says walking my way, shaking my hand.

“Hello Mrs Harris, it’s nice to meet you” I say but her eyes change because my voice is shaking like crazy. 

“Are you okay, dear?” she asks, looking concerned. 

“Yes, I really am, it's just. I get very nervous in new situations or meeting new people” I explain to her. Her hand goes up to rub my arm.

“Don’t worry, no need to be nervous around me. Why don’t you go hang out with Eric while I get you guys some snacks” she says nicely. 

“Thank you” I say smiling before I look at Eric.

“What do you want to do? Watch a movie or something” he asks. 

“Anything is fine by me, if you have a game console we can do that as well” I tell him.

“You game?” he asks and before I can answer he says “Nintendo games probably” 

“Excuse you I play all the good games, well I did but not anymore. Yesterday was the first time in forever I played again.” and so I tell him about the games I play and that I had been at Dylan’s and we played some games. Eric really likes the fact that we have the same interest in games. So when we go to his computer he tells me he wants to show me something.

“Alright I’ll get an extra chair” he says and he does. “Here sit over here” he says, placing the chair next to his. He starts up the computer and continues “I make levels in DOOM” 

“You’re kidding” I say looking at him with big eyes “do you post them online? We used to always play different wads” 

“Yeah I put them online” he says looking at me like he’s just hit the jackpot. He tells me all about his levels and I jump up placing my hands on the side of my head. 

“Eric, you’re fucking with me” I say completely in shock. He looks at himself and then me.

“I think we’d need to lose at least some clothes to do that,” he jokes.

“Dude stop joking because I think I played some of your levels” I say to Eric whose eyebrows shoot up.

“Are you for real?” he asks, getting up as well. Hands on his hips, smile on his face. 

“Yeah wasn’t the level you just described the one where on like an upper wall it had an email address and it said email me. Oh, God what was the email again something rebe” and he interrupts me.

“Rebldomakr” he says.

“Yes that’s it” I say pointing at him. Oh my God that was your level. We loved that one” I exclaim overly excited. 

“Oh man what are the fucking odds of this happening” Eric says smiling wide at me. 

“Yeah what are the odds” I repeat “I can’t believe this” and I look at Eric with the happiest face I’ve had in months. “I feel like I should ask for your autograph or something” I say laughing as we sit down again.

“Shut up” he says laughing “but I can show you the level I’m working on right now” he says as he gets ready to start up the game. 

“That would be epic,” I say excitedly. And so he starts building, he explains how he does everything. He’s very careful with how he explains it. Making sure I understand everything he’s saying. At one point I’m so into it I lean in against his shoulder to get a closer look at the screen. I miss Eric’s eyes on me as I do so. A deeper look inside his head would tell me he’s thoroughly enjoying how invested I am. Go further and into his heart and he feels like he finally found someone to show more of himself to but at the same time he’s dead afraid of how much I will hurt when he does what he needs to do. “This is really cool, Eric. I could never do something like this. I lack all creativity and understanding of what makes a level good and worthy of playing” 

“I think you could do just fine. Why don’t you place these walls in and then I’ll sign you as co builder” he says smiling.

“You’re lying you won’t put my name in but sure I’ll try” I say and Eric scoots over so I can sit just a little on his chair. I place my hand on the mouse and keyboard “so like this?” and I concentrate on what I’m doing.

“Yep, just like that. Now just place it there” and his finger goes up on the screen so I know exactly where. “You did it” he says looking at me and when I look at him the closeness gets to me and I scoot away. Hoping he won’t be hurt by it or anything. “Alright let's leave this like it is and go watch a movie or something” he suggests.

“Why?” I ask him.

“Well, won’t this get boring for you?” he asks with a brow raised. 

“Maybe but it isn’t so far. So just continue and I’ll watch you build your level. When I feel bored I’ll tell you” and he looks at me with a funny look on his face. 

“Okay if you’re sure, I’ve never had anyone over that wasn’t bored after 5 minutes.” he tells me.

“You’ve never had a girl over that liked DOOM or your wads? Or a guy for that matter” I ask him.

“I’ve never played DOOM with a girl at all and no, guys get bored with watching so we usually just play something else” he informs me.

“Well that’s just because guys suck” I tell him as I place my feet under me on the chair.

“Thanks,” he says turning to the screen. 

“Oh no, I didn't mean you, you’re not a guy” I say. He looks at me with his brows up in his hairline. “You’re a man man” I want to say but I start to laugh too much for it to come over right.

“I feel like I should be insulted” he says chuckling. But he’s not and we sit there for a while until I do get bored just a little and tell him. “Well that took longer than I thought it would” he says impressed. 

“I tried, I want you to do what you like” I say as we get up. 

“I like spending time with you so anything is fine really” he says as he brings me down again and we go lower and into the basement. His mom said she’d bring snacks and drinks in a bit. We go into his room and I start to look around. I walk over to some shelves and look at things that are on there. 

“Are these bullets?” I ask pointing at a few shells. 

“Uhm yeah, I collect them amongst other things” he says. 

“Oh” I say walking away from that part of his room. “Hey are these concert tickets?” I ask “yes they are,” I notice as I look closer “you’ve seen Rammstein and KMFDM” I ask, turning to him with big eyes. 

“Yeah and both concerts were insane. I got some crazy merch as well” says coming to stand next to me. 

“Can I hold the tickets?” I ask him.

“They’re stapled on the wall, sorry” he says chuckling and I look back at them.

“Oh shit I didn't see” I say laughing “I have seen your KMFDM tour shirt. It’s epic” 

“Thanks” he says watching me “you really are good at this whole being friends thing” he tells me.

I smile at him “I used to be a good friend, or so I felt but after it happened I lost all my friends. Even my two closest friends. So maybe I wasn’t as good of a friend as I thought I was” I say shrugging as I let my fingers run over his tickets. 

Eric scoffs “I think they just dropped you because they are assholes.” he says harshly.

“They weren’t assholes, Eric. They were my best friends.” I say defensive “what happened was beyond fucked up, imagine the brother of your best friend killing people. Like actually taking lives, Eric. Four people are dead because of him. I’d be fucking terrified if my friend or a family member of a friend did something like this. I’d never drop them but I can only say this knowing how it feels to be in my current stupid shoes” I say tracing the letters on the Rammstein concert tickets. 

“I am so sorry” he says and I have no idea how deep my words hit him. “I shouldn’t have said that,” he says looking guilty.

“Don’t worry. I understand what you meant” I say to him. His head tilts and he looks at me. 

“Are you serious right now?” he asks.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? You just didn't like them hurting me, right? That’s what you meant or am I wrong?” I say looking at him. 

“No you’re right, that’s what I meant but I” and he looks away “never mind” he says. 

“I’m sorry I got defensive like I did. I just loved them so much. This would be that whole not always good company thing” I say with an I’m-sorry smile.

“I insult your friends and you apologise to me?” Eric says, putting his hands in his pockets. 

There is so much I want to tell him but I can’t, all the words get stuck in my throat because I managed to make myself sad again. But then Eric starts to talk.

“I get mad all the time. Angry and shit. I don’t always mean it but it just happens” he says looking at the floor. 

“Yeah I’ve seen it” I say wanting to be honest. “you get angry quickly” and Eric now looks up and I can see the hurt in his face because I look like that all the time “but it’s okay, I understand” 

“You do?” he asks with a crinkled nose.

“Well yeah, I know what it’s like to be angry all the fucking time but it always comes back to sadness for me. I’m not saying that’s it for you, that you’re sad or anything but I am. Every time I get mad I realise I’m just sad over the thing that makes me angry” I say as I walk over to the other side of his room. Where his cd’s are. I tilt my head so I can read the names. Behind me Eric is internally shocked and he has no idea how to respond to what I just said. Lucky for him his mom comes in. 

“Snacks and drinks” she says and I want to keep looking at this wall to avoid her face but I know that would be rude so I turn around. She has cake and candy and soda’s on a tray.

“Thanks mom,” Eric says, taking it from her hands. “Let’s eat this in the family room down here” 

“Yeah sure, thank you Mrs Harris. This looks lovely” I say walking over to the tray.

“Don’t mention it, I’ll be upstairs if you two get hungry or anything” she says kindly before she walks back out. I go and hold the door for Eric and we settle in the living room in the basement. 

“You basically have your own home” I say smiling as we open our drinks.

“Pretty much, it’s cool. I guess” he says while giving me a plate with cake on it.

“Thanks” I say to him “I’m sorry I went depressed on you just now.” 

“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine,” he tells me. “So you had fun with Dylan yesterday?”

“Yeah, definitely” I say to him “I left shitty though, didn't he mention anything?” 

“Nope, he told me nothing,” Eric says looking a little displeased about it. 

“Oh well, we played games and then we talked until I had one of my beautiful mental breakdowns. I cried, it was gorgeous. And then I left, probably leaving Dylan behind feeling like shit about it. Even though it wasn’t his fault” I say trying to shrug it off. 

“Shit, what happened? Did he say you looked nice?” Eric jokes. I look at him and flip him off making him laugh.

“No he forgot the condoms” I say, making Eric choke on his cake. “Serves you right” I say looking at him. 

“Shit” he says, taking a drink with tears running over his cheeks from coughing. 

“I’m sorry that was awful” I say laughing as I look at Eric trying to rub the tears off of his face. 

“No it was fun” he says with sarcasm dripping off of his lips. I’m still laughing. There are still tears on the left side of his face and I grab a hold of my sleeve and wipe it over his face. “What are you doing?” he asks freezing up.

“I’m wiping the tears off that you forgot” I say matter of factly. But when I see how he looks at me I pull my hand back. 

“This cake is really good” I say looking at nothing but the cake. 

“Yeah my mom does catering and stuff. She’s pretty good at it” he says sounding the same way I feel. “I know you don’t like it when I ask this but are you okay? I mean with that locker shit and all” 

I look at him and see that he’s really just trying to be there for me. At least that’s how it feels to me. “I get so angry. She just told me basically that because they won’t put in effort simply because of who I am I should pay for it. Not only do they get to bully me and make me feel like jumping off the nearest bridge, I also get to pay for the shit they pull” I say before eating more of the cake. “It’s not fair but if I didn't pay they were gonna call my parents and they would know that Columbine is no different” and now I sit back, leaning against the couch with Eric beside me. I smile at him “it’s so fucked up and there is nothing I can do about it” 

“People should stand up for themselves, show them they don’t just take everything people put on them. You know, have some revenge or something” he says to me and I’m clueless as to how dark it really is what he’s saying to me. 

“Revenge isn’t gonna do anything. Believe me I tried, it backfired so hard it put me in the hospital” I say to him. 

“You’re shitting me, what happened?” he asks with an open mouth.

“They made sure I knew I had no right to stand up for myself” I tell him “anyway let’s change the subject before I lose it again” I say rolling my eyes at myself.

“I’m sorry” Eric says to me.

“Don’t apologize” I tell him while I put my hand on his shoulder for a bit. I do wonder why he looked so dark when he talked about revenge. “Can I be honest with you?” I ask him.

Eric looks at me and a smile comes up on his face “of course”

“I haven’t felt this comfortable around two people as I do around you and Dylan. Not since it all happened. I’ve been uncomfortable around everyone, even the people that did talk to me or that I tried to be friends with” I say to Eric. He averts his eyes.

“That’s good right?” he asks uncertain.

“I hope so” I say honestly “I have a hard time trusting people in case you haven’t noticed yet” I add jokingly.

“Yeah I did, me too actually. I’m always waiting on them to fuck up or get mean behind my back or something” he admits, still not looking at me. He’s picking on that scab again. “I mean I know I’m not always fun and stuff but I try” 

“Well friends aren’t supposed to just run when we feel like shit or something, you take the bad with the good. And I really like you Eric even though you throw tantrums every now and then” I say with a giggle.

“Tantrum? Are you calling me a child?” he asks with a frown and a smile on his face. 

“I’m just not gonna react to that one and repeat that I really like you, hope you hear it this time” I say looking at him.

“I heard it,” he says without the frown now “you know I’ve never said these things to anyone around me. About being angry and stuff” 

“You can always talk to me. Call me whenever. If I’m not with you or Dylan I’m always home” I say laughing. 

“I don’t have your number” he says looking at me. I get up and walk to his room. 

“Are you coming or do I have to find a pen and paper myself?” I say turning around before I go into his room. Eric follows me fastly and gives me a pen and paper. I take it to his desk and write down my number, with my name. I hand it to him when I’m done. 

“Thanks, you might regret this” he says with a little blush on his face. I walk over to him and poke both his blushing cheeks. “What are you doing?” he asks smiling.

“Just poking the blush” I say smiling. He frowns and turns around. 

“I’m not blushing,” he says, obviously lying.

“Yeah of course not, men don’t blush, right” I say looking at him. “Eric” I say to get his attention, when he looks at me I say “The only way I’ll regret it is if you never call me” he looks at me and starts to nod. 

“Don’t worry, I'll call,” he says to me.

“I know, you’ve been relentless so far, I don’t see that changing” I say smiling at him “I should go now though, my parents think I’m out for a ride and a walk somewhere” 

“Alright” he says as we walk up stairs. I’m carrying the tray and I put it in the kitchen before I thank his mom for everything. We say bye at the door and I go back home. 

When I get home I go straight to my room and crawl up in my bed. Eric’s levels ripped open a part I wasn’t ready for. My brother and I would always play online and Eric’s levels amongst others were the best of fun. I tried my best to just be a friend at Eric’s just now, not too much shit. Just me but I’ve come to find out it’s hard to just be me. Because it feels like I’m letting my brother go. I’m not ready to let go. 

That night I’d sleep like I usually do, an early bath before school makes me hope I’m ready for the day again. I want to be excited to see Eric and Dylan again but I can’t find it in me. Eric’s been on my mind a lot. A whole lot. And it worries me.


	7. Friendly warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi dear readers,
> 
> Here is another chapter, please leave me a comment if you feel like it <3  
> I love to know what you all think!
> 
> \- X

I’m early, so here I am in my car waiting. Eric isn’t here and I also didn't see Dylan’s car. Pulling the hood of my sweater over my eyes I rest back in my seat. Trying to block out the world for just a little longer. The radio on softly in the background. Thinking about yesterday. After a while a soft knock on my window shakes me out of my daydream. Shamefully admitting to myself as I open my eyes that the boy that knocked on my window is the kernel of the daydream. He’s standing there with a smile on his face. Pushing the hood off my head I take the keys out of the ignition and get out of the car. 

“Hey Eric” I say to him with a small smile, the trouble I had to be excited earlier vanishes immediately. 

“Hi mega fan” he says, making me roll my eyes.

“Oh God I knew I shouldn’t have told you that. I’m going to hear this all day, right?” I say as we make our way to the entrance.

“Depending on how you react it might be all week” he says gloating. “The better you bite the” 

“Longer it stays fun. I got it” I say to him annoyed, but he’s chuckling. I glance over to him from the corner of my eyes. Big smile on his face as we keep on walking. In the commons we meet up with Dylan. “Good morning” I say to him. He looks at me and raises his hand up. 

“Morning” he says, sounding tired. 

“Long night?” I ask him looking around me to see if it’s time to leave already. 

“Something like that” he says slightly uninterested “so you had no interest in school yesterday?” 

“I slept through my alarm dude. My dad decided to let me sleep until I woke up on my own” I say with a chuckle. 

“Damn, my parents would flip their shit if I missed school” Dylan says laughing. I just shrug, there is no need to explain I never sleep like I did yesterday. I don’t want to give him the whole my parents are different response. More kids are making their way into the commons and I’m starting to feel too uncomfortable to stay. 

“That’s her, I swear” I hear someone behind me and that’s it, even if they aren’t talking about me, I’m ready to leave.

“I’m going to my locker” I say to Eric and Dylan and turn around without waiting for a response from either of them. But I don’t make it far.

“You’re the girl whose brother killed those people, right?” the guy asks me while the other boy and girl look at me for an answer. I try to walk past them, but he blocks my path. “Answer me” he demands. That’s when I hear a chair move behind me.

“Why don’t you leave her alone?” Eric says from behind me.

“I wasn’t talking to you” the guy says but not half as dominant as he was talking to me. I see them talking as an opportunity to walk away. “Hey come back here” the guy says but I make my way to the lockers. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts by the time I’ve reached my locker. My hands are unable to get the combination right so I just wait there. Hoping I can calm down enough to get it right. After a few minutes I try again and this time I can open my locker. With everything I need for the day I go to the classroom I have my first period in. Right after the teacher gets in I do the same and sit at the back of the class. As soon as my peers walk in they start to whisper things. My eyes on the table I see someone standing before me. 

“Are you dating one of them?” she asks. I look up and see a girl standing there.

“Sorry what?” I ask her. 

“Are you dating Eric or Dylan?” she asks, tapping the table I’m sitting at.

“No,” I say shortly. She just nods and turns around. I wonder what that was about. But then she comes walking back and takes a seat at the table next to mine.

“Then what do you want with them? I see you guys together all the time, you’re either with Eric or Dylan.” she says. 

“I uhm, don’t know” I say feeling a panic come up in my chest, luckily the teacher calls for silence because class begins. She looks like she wants to say something but she doesn’t. At one point I see her placing a note on my table. Reluctantly I open it. 

“Are you guys friends?” she had written on it. I have no idea how to answer this. I look at her and she doesn’t look angry or anything. I’m not sure how to answer it so I write down “you should ask them”. Giving her the note back she opens it and nods. When the bell rings that dismisses us I get my things and walk out the door but she does not plan on leaving me alone. 

“I was only asking because I’m a friend of theirs,” she says smiling. “I’ve heard what happened because of your brother” she states. 

“Yeah I can’t escape that” I say to her “listen, I have to go” I say before I start to walk away from her at a faster pace. I’m very confused as to why she approached me. Maybe she doesn’t like me hanging around her friends, but she didn't sound angry or anything. Walking into the classroom of my second period I feel like all eyes are on me. It’s that one teacher again. The one that told me to not be affected by all the hate and everything, because that’s really such an easy option for me. Sitting down as quietly as I can I’m still noticed. 

“Killer family” someone yells out in a fake low voice. I lower my eyes again but before I do I see the teacher looking at me. Probably trying to access if I was asking for it. The class starts without him saying anything about that so the whispers start around me. All the usual assumptions are being made around me and time goes so slow that it makes me feel like I’m going back in time. I just want this class over with. The bell dismissed me once more and this time I was ready. Everything is put in my bag and I’m ready to jump up and leave this classroom. Going to my locker again I see the same two guys and the girl from this morning. My mind is racing and I have no idea where to go, do I go to my locker to put things away or do I walk away. They might follow me. So I take a deep breath and walk over to my locker. 

“You walked away before we got to talking to you” the same guy is talking again.

“What do you want from me?” I ask him, avoiding eye contact.

“You are that girl right? Your brother killed three people and then himself, am I right?” he asks me. 

“Yes” I say looking at the floor. 

“That’s horrible,” the girl says.

“Yeah” I say softly.

“Don’t talk to my girlfriend you fucking weirdo” the other guy bites at me.

“I’m sorry” I say, still looking at the floor. 

“I can’t believe they let you go to our school,” the first guy says getting closer to me. “Don’t they care for our safety?” 

_ It’s me that gets hurt, everyone talks about me. You seek me out. They push me on the floor, curse at me, ruin my locker making me pay for it. I get hurt, I need to be kept safe. People need to stop hurting me.  _ I think to myself but I say nothing. 

“Just stay away from us” the girl says and everything inside me is raging to tell her that they came to find me. But I won’t say anything. I walk closer to my locker and they leave. I’m glad they didn't hurt me. With shaking hands I open my locker and throw everything in as fast as I can. Then I make my way over to the smokers pit. 

A certain tall guy in a trench coat is standing there by himself and I feel relieved. Getting my packet of smokes out of my pocket I walk over to him, he already extends his hand with his zippo in it to light my cigarette. 

“Thanks,” I say as I breathe in that soft first burn. 

“No problem, you look like shit. No offence” he says with a grin.

“None taken” I say and after a short pause I add “asshole” making him chuckle. 

“I’d say sorry but I doubt I’d mean it so” he says still grinning. I shake my head.

“Hey Dylan” I say.

“Yeah” his eyes on me.

“I’m really sorry for how I left. I wanted to call and apologise but I didn't have your number” I tell him because it’s been on my mind ever since I left his place. 

“Don’t worry about it. You explained, remember” Dylan says kindly. 

“I know it just. I felt stupid and I had ruined the fun” I tell him.

“You weren’t stupid, you did however ruin all the fun. Day felt like a complete fucking waste of time” Dylan jokes making me smile. If I’d be able to see inside of him I’d find a guy who felt overwhelmed himself with everything after I left. The kind words I’d spoken about his family, my view on romantic movies and how incredibly much I’m hurting. Like him but not like him at all. Dylan has no idea where to go with everything that’s going on inside of him right now. He can’t go on living and made a pact, one he cannot break. But can he really do this to his family? Dylan sees Eric struggle with it as he tries to stick up for me, he knows Eric is feeling it too. But I have no idea because he will not let me in, not on that part of him.

“Everyday is a waste when you’re in high school” I say to him. 

“Yeah you can say that again” Dylan says looking around.

“But you’re lucky, after high school you can just do whatever you want and you’re free from all these assholes. Free to be who you are” I say placing the cigarette between my lips again.

  
“Are you doing the whole self pi” but I cut him off right there.

“No, Dylan fuck you” I say laughing “I was just thinking about it out loud, being positive for you but never mind. What I meant to say was how lovely is the weather today?” and I give him a huge fake smile. 

“I like it better when it rains. Then it reflects my inner most private feelings better” Dylan says with a wide smile on his face. 

“Oh you son of a bitch” I say laughing. “Hey what happened with Eric and those three this morning?” 

“You say bitch and then the first thing that pops in your head is Eric?” Dylan asks laughing now.

“Stop it” I say to him “just answer me, please” 

“Eric went Eric on them that’s what happened. He got angry telling them to leave you alone and not go near you” he tells me.

“He did that?” I ask a little surprised “he told them to not go near me?” 

“Yeah why?” Dylan asks.

“No reason, well they didn't listen but that doesn’t matter” I say thinking how touched I am that Eric would say that. 

“They didn't? What did they do?” Dylan asks me, almost sounding worried. 

“Just asked me if it was true, if I was the girl with the horrible brother. And then I wasn’t allowed to answer the girl, or go near her” I say and I start to laugh “how fucking ironic, they come to me and then tell me to stay away” 

“People are fucking stupid” Dylan says and I shake yes in agreement.

“Amen to that” I say before throwing my smoke on the ground “I should head back” 

“Me too, unfortunately” he says and together we walk back into the school. Where we go our separate ways again. Next period is slow but fine. When I walk into the girls bathroom I have no idea I’m being followed. Closing the bathroom stall ready to push my pants down I get yelled at.

“Hey bitch” it sounds from the other sound, I immediately freeze up. “Don’t get too comfortable here, we don’t want you here” a guy's voice threatens me. I get up high on the toilet, afraid they will throw the door open in my face. And I was right, mere seconds after I’m on the toilet they kick in the door. Two guys are holding up something that looks like a bucket and as soon as I can do I hold my bag in front of my face. Ice cold water is thrown over me. As I gasp out and fall down half over the toilet and floor they all start to laugh. “You are not welcome here, with your filthy dna” and a string of single insulting words follows as they run out of the place. Leaving me there on the floor and soaking wet. My head is dry but my sweater and pants are not. I’m so cold I can barely move. There are even ice cubes on the floor and on my legs. Tears start to stream down my cheeks and I don’t know what to do so I close the stall back up again and sit there crying in silence. That feeling in your chest when you’re so incredibly hurt and humiliated is making it impossible to breath properly. I get out of the bathroom and with my eyes on the floor do I walk out of there. I hear people whisper and I go as fast as I dare to go. My shoes are wet and I do not want to slip and fall on the floor as well. The soundbooth. I’m going to the soundbooth. I get in there as quickly as I can and sit down hugging my knees. I sit there looking down on myself. On my wet clothes. I wonder if somehow I deserve this, if what my brother did really is a reflection of the rest of my family. Then my father's voice interrupts me in my own thoughts. Telling me how I know my worth and no one else does. I hear the door open and my eyes close, I don’t want to see people that I do not know and the people I do know. When it’s fully open I see Eric. 

“Y/n?” he asks. I don’t answer. He walks in and sees me sitting there. “You’re soaking wet, what happened?” he asks, crouching down before me. 

“They did it in the bathroom” I say and tears start rolling down my cheeks, one after another. 

“Who did what in the bathroom?” Eric asks, looking me over.

“The guys came in,” I say trying to avoid Eric’s eyes. “They yelled at me and threw cold water with ice cubes in it over me” and I place my head on my knees. 

“Jesus Christ” he says angrily. 

“All my clothes are wet” Eric then places his hand on my arm but I pull it back.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he quickly apologises “ Y/n, you’re freezing” he tells me. 

“I don’t have anything else with me,” I explain to him “and I can’t go home because then they will know. They can’t know” tears starting to make their way over my cheeks again. 

“Fuck” Eric says loudly. His eyes go over me “alright listen I can take you to my place and give you a sweater and like sweatpants and we can put your clothes in the dryer”

I look up at Eric and so many feelings are going through me and I have no way of voicing them to him. “I don’t wanna leave the soundbooth” is all I manage to say. 

“Okay” he says nodding as we lock eyes “then I go get you the clothes while you stay here and we will figure out how you can go home in your own clothes again” 

This makes me cry even more. I nod yes.

“Stay right here, I’ll be back” Eric tells me before leaving. When he closes the door I almost gasp out finally being able to breathe. He’s going to get me dry clothes. Eric is getting me dry clothes to wear. 

Time passes and a knock on the door scares me out of my thoughts but then Eric comes in with a small bag. “I’m sorry it took so long,” he says, handing me the bag. “There is a towel in it as well” 

With a powerless voice I tell him “thank you, Eric”

“Of course, no problem” and he turns around to walk out again and lets me change. I pull out black sweatpants and a blue Broncos sweater. But there is something in the bottom of the bag with the towel. It’s his KMFDM tour shirt as well. The one I mentioned yesterday. I hold it up in between my hands, looking at it while I’m starting to tremble. I'm so cold but that’s not why I’m shaking. I get out of these clothes and dry myself down a bit. I put on his shirt and the rest of the clothes. I Push the wet clothes into the bag before I walk to the door and open it. Eric is standing there with his hands in his pockets. He looks at me with a small smile. “It’s a little big on you” he says while his eyes go over me. 

I pull a little on the bottom of the sweater and then I look up at him. “It’s fine,” I say as I give him a small smile. “Thank you, Eric” 

“You’re welcome” he says, averting his eyes “do you want to be alone?” 

“No,” I say quickly. “Please stay” and I sit down on the floor again, this time holding my knees while rubbing the fabric of his sweatpants between my fingers. Eric is leaning against another desk nodding his head.

“Okay” he says smiling at me. I do my best to smile back. His eyes show sympathy because he’s been in my shoes. Not even two days ago did he leave for home because he felt so hurt. I take a few deep breaths and turn my head towards Eric who was already looking at me. 

“These clothes are very comfortable” I tell him because I have no idea where to go from here. 

“Good, it’s one of my favorite sweaters. It’s really warm” Eric tells me.

“It is, I’m already a bit warmer” and I smile at him. 

“That’s good, I can go put your clothes in the dryer at home and pick it up after school for you” he then tells me.

“No, I can’t let you do that,” I say as I get up. Walking over to him in his clothes I feel taken care of. Safe almost, with this angry boy. “But thank you, I’ll figure something out” 

“Sure because it’s no trouble at all” he says watching me lean against the same desk as him.

“My dad is hardly ever home when I get out of school and my mom didn't see me leave this morning. So I can just tell her the pants are mine and that you borrowed me this sweater because I was cold” I say looking at him. 

“Alright” he says looking at me “was it the three from this morning?”

“No” I say, shaking my head. Somehow I don’t have the heart to tell him they did come to me. “You can go if you want, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have made you stay” 

“Period is already half over” he says smiling “besides I much rather stay here with you” 

“Because I’m the best company in the world right?” I say half heartedly. He looks at me still smiling.

“I wouldn’t say that, best dressed for sure though” and he manages to get me to chuckle. 

“Yeah and the best isn’t even visible” I say, giving him a timid smile. 

“I figured if the sweater gets too hot you’d need to be able to take it off” he says looking at the floor. 

“I think that’s very thoughtful, you know you’re better at this friend thing then you give yourself credit for” I say, poking him with my elbow. 

“Nah it’s just different with you” he says looking at his feet.

“Why?” I ask him. 

“Because” and he looks up with sad eyes but starts to smile “never mind, it’s not important right now” 

I want to be a good friend and press on but I can’t. I’m too stuck in my own feelings right now and I hate it. We stay here for the rest of this period. When it’s time for lunch Eric is going to meet up with Dylan and I decide to stay here. I figured Eric would stay with Dylan in the commons or go to Mcdonalds or whatever but not long into lunch they both come here. I’m sitting on the desk as they come in and Dylan’s brows shoot up as he sees me but he says nothing. We eat our lunch there together and then it hits me.

“Hey did a blond girl come up to you guys talking about me?” I ask them. They both look at me.

“No, why?” Dylan asks.

“This girl in my class came up to me asking if I was dating one of you two” I say to them. They look at each other and then to me. “I said no, obviously. She then asked if we were friends but I didn't know what to say so I told her to ask you guys. She said she was a friend”

“What did she look like?” Eric asks me.

“Uhm she had long blond hair with blue eyes, a pretty face actually with a soft voice. And she wasn’t mean to me. She was wearing these dungarees with black boots” I explain.

“Robyn” they say unanimously. 

“Robyn?” I ask.

“Yeah she best fits the description, she’s a friend of mine well ours” Dylan says before taking another bite from his apple. 

“Oh, okay” I say, not really knowing what to say anymore. Lunch passes soon enough and I decide to try to go to class again. So we say our bye’s and go our separate ways. The next period goes by just fine without incidents or anything. So does the last and I feel relieved. Walking to my car I see that Eric’s car is still here as well. When I get closer to my car I see a note on my window. I quickly take it from underneath my windshield wiper and open it. 

“Now you do have my number” followed by Dylan’s name and number. I smile and put it in my pocket. That’s when my name is called from behind me and I don’t need to turn around to know it’s Eric.

“Hey Y/n how was the rest of the day?” he asks while I throw my bag of clothes in the backseat. 

“It was fine,” I tell him. His hands on his hips. 

“Good,” he says smiling. 

“I’ll give you your clothes back tomorrow immediately,” I tell him. 

“Oh are you coming over again?” he asks and I don’t get it. 

“What, no I mean in school” I say to Eric.

“On Saturday?” he asks smiling.

“Shit, no not in school then” I say to him smiling. “Is Monday okay or do you want me to bring them to you tomorrow?” I ask him.

“Monday is fine, don’t worry but if you want to come over, I don’t mind” he tells me.

“I’ll see how tomorrow goes, I kinda want to try to sleep the days away in the weekend” I say to Eric trying to avoid his eyes but to no avail. He’s looking right at me.

“That’s fine, just call me if you change your mind” he says smiling. 

“Sure and you can always call whenever” I tell him.

“You’ll be asleep” he says with a chuckle. 

“If I am, I’ll call you back but if you call at night I’ll always be awake” every feeling I felt earlier when he helped me out is flooding back through my system. Eric starts to walk backwards and it’s like something just takes over. “Eric” I call out and he stops.

“Yeah” he says while he stops walking and I go over to him and without thinking about it I place my arms around his neck. He freezes up again but only for a split second. Then his arms fold around my back. I hold onto him a lot tighter then I thought I would, placing my face on his shoulder. One hand on my shoulder and the other one on my side he holds me as tight as I hold him. “Thank you for taking care of me,” I say to him. His hands hold me close and the one on my shoulder rubs down just for a little while. “Yeah no problem, Y/n” he tells me in a soft voice. I squeeze him even tighter before I let go. I look at the floor because I don’t want him to see the tears on my face. 

“I’ll see you, Eric” I say, turning around. 

“See ya” he says with tenderness in his voice. 

I drive away there as fast as I can but when I get home I look at my house for a little while before I go in. My hands hold a tight grip on the wheel before me. My eyes go up to the rearview mirror and I adjust my bangs. Then I go into the house. My mom is watching tv on the couch and when I walk in she looks at my sweater and points. 

“Yeah it’s Eric’s. I got so cold and he had it in his car so” I lie to her. 

“He sounds like a nice kid, how was your day honey?” she asks me and I can feel the lump form in my throat. 

“It was slow but it’s fine, it's the weekend now” I say to her as I walk over to give her a hug. She holds me close against her before she presses a few kisses in my hair. “I’m going to take a nap,” I say to her hair. 

“Okay, love. I’m glad you feel so comfortable with Eric that you can borrow his sweater” she tells me while I walk to the stairs. I look down on the sweater and turn around before I go up. 

“Me too” and I smile at her before I go to my room, I’ll get the bag out of my car later when they’re in bed. Dropping down on my bed, everything that happened today is catching up with me. I’m exhausted. If they had come in just a little later I would have been sitting there with my bare ass out for them to see. That scares me to death. Tears flow freely once more. I wipe them off with my sleeve. Eric’s sleeve actually. I lower the sleeve and hold it right under my nose. It smells like pretty much any teenage boy only better. Because it’s Eric. The boy is practically a stranger. But he took care of me. Twice today. Sticking up for me and skipping class just so he can get me dry clothes. He didn't have to do that. The sleeve now pressed up against my nose. But he did. “Eric” I say softly before closing my eyes and turning over on my side. I fall asleep thinking about my brother. About what he became even though he was the sweetest guy I ever met. How Dylan reminds me of him so much. Same dark humor and the way they carry themselves. Sweet unconsciousness washes over me and I can block everything out. At least for now. 

After I had taken my nap I got up and had dinner. Alone today, my dad is out and my mom is gardening still. I don’t want to disturb her. Not while she’s finally busy again with things. After I’ve done that I pick a book off my shelf that I’ve read a couple of times already but it keeps calling me to reread it again. A chapter or two into the book the phone rings and I sit up straight. After a few rings there is no answer. My mom is still busy so I jump up and run down the stairs. 

“Hello” I say into the horn. 

“Hi this is Eric Harris. I’m calling for Y/n” Eric says politely not realizing it’s me he’s talking to.

“What business do you have with my daughter?” I say with a stern voice.

“She’s a classmate of mine and she gave me her number so we could discuss homework, ma’am” he lies easily. I’ve been walking up the stairs.

“What a smart lie” I say, opening my bedroom door.

“No ma’am it’s not” and he pauzes. I smile because now he realizes who he’s been talking to. “You’re horrible, you know that?” he says but I can hear the smile in his voice. 

“I try” I say smiling as well “it really was a smart lie and it came out way too easy. Which can only mean a few things”

“What are those things?” Eric asks.

“Either your parents are too strict or abusive, maybe both. Or you are a pathological liar. Perhaps it’s that you just don’t care.” I say to him, silence follows on the other line.

“Well, that is an interesting analysis. ” Eric tells me.

“Really? So why did you lie?” I ask him.

“I wasn’t sure whether you’d want your parents to know you gave me your number just to talk and I didn't want to get you into trouble. So the reason was probably me being protective?” he self analizes.

“You feel protective over me?” I ask kind of joking. 

“I mean I guess” doubt in his voice. 

“My mom thinks you’re a nice kid by the way” I tell him.

“Why?” he asks laughing.

“Because I feel comfortable enough to borrow your sweater” I tell him. 

“Well she didn't know you had no choice so” he says, downplaying what he did. Or at least that’s how it feels to me.

“I did have a choice. I could have sent you away when you came into the soundbooth or I could have left” I tell him.

“But then you’d freeze,” Eric retorts. 

“Many shitty things have happened when there was no one sticking up for me Eric. I could have handled freezing on my own if I wanted to but I didn't” and the honesty and openness in which I’m talking to him is really a welcomed change. 

“I have to keep my fans happy” he jokes.

“For fucks sake. Stop Eric” I say as I lay down on my back but I accidentally hit my head against my headboard. “Oh fuck” I say rubbing the place of impact.

“What happened?” he asks.

“I hit my head on my bed because I wanted to get comfortable,” I say whining. 

“You’re sitting on your bed?” he asks.

“No, laying in the tub why?” I joke. 

“What?” he asks chuckling.

“Of course I’m on my bed” I tell him “why?” 

“No reason” he says “so please wash my clothes, I want your stench out of them” 

“Who says you’re getting anything back? It’s all way too comfortable” I say running my hand over the print of his sweater. 

“Wait, you’re still wearing my clothes?” he asks surprised. 

_ Fuck. _ “No” I lie to him.

“Yes you are, you are still wearing my clothes” he says smugly.

“Fine whatever. Yes I’m still wearing your clothes. I fell asleep right after I got home and haven’t gotten around to taking a shower because you called” I tell him defensively, he chuckles. 

“I thought you were in the bathtub,” he says, making me laugh. 

“This conversation is taking a confusing turn” I say to Eric. 

“And all because you didn't want to admit you’re in the bathtub, swimming while you wear my clothes” Eric says.

“Stop, I lost track of what this conversation was” I say laughing.

“You’re laughing, that means you’re right on track” Eric says sweetly. 

“Eric, is that flirting?” I ask him.

“Nope, you’d never talk to me again if I did that” he says and adds “besides I can’t flirt at all” 

“Really? You can’t flirt?” I ask him while letting the sleeve of his sweater linger under my nose.

“Yeah, ask the girls I’ve tried it with, oh wait they don’t talk to me anymore or left the country” he says self-deprecatingly.

“Tried it with many?” I ask him sucking in my lips. 

“Why do you ask?” and he sounds a bit anxious.

“Because there are hardly any girls in this area” I say, teasing him. 

“Well there is one here that’s wearing my clothes, so there is still hope” Eric says staying quiet after he did.

“That is flirting Eric” I say to him.

“Queue the breakdown in 3, 2” Eric says laughing while I scoff at him.

“Okay, that is fucking mean” I say loudly but I chuckle softly. 

“I’m sorry it was just a joke” Eric says soft mannered. 

“Tell you what you let me keep these clothes and I call it even” holding the horn closer to my mouth. 

“Sure why not, it’s only my favorite sweater” Eric jokes.

“Cool, it really is a good sweater . And the tour shirt isn’t a bad score either” I tease him.

“Shit my KMFDM shirt, no you can’t have that” he says laughing.

“Because I can have the sweater?” I ask him, surprised if that would be true.

“No but you can have the shirt even less. That’s like my favorite piece of clothing” he says laughing. 

“Let me see if I got this right. Not only did you miss class to help me out and get me dry clothes, two out of the three items you brought me are favorites?” I ask him, a lot more serious than we’ve been talking just now. 

He seems to think it over “well yeah, they’re good clothes so”. 

“I need you to know that I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me today. I wanted to tell you in the soundbooth but everything was a bit much” I say to Eric as I’ve given up on taking the sleeve away from my nose. 

“It really is okay, don’t mention it” he tells me in a gentle voice.

“But I do want to mention it because it’s important that you know how much you helped me today” and I’m a little hesitant but I continue “I haven’t hugged anyone but my parents after it all happened” there is complete silence on the other side of the phone. “Eric?” I ask.

“I’m here. I just, are you serious?” he asks me.

“Yes. Remember that one girl that tried to get to my brother’s stuff? And the guy?” I ask him.

“Yeah those two motherfuckers, I remember” he says dryly making me giggle just a little. 

“Well they were the closest things to friends that I have had since I lost my old friends. And they were my friends in secret, like they’d make me believe it was reasonable to only be my friend outside of school where no one could see us together. You are not the same. Dylan isn’t like that with me either. And I promise you it makes all the difference in the world to me.” I tell him as I look at my ceiling, trying to find figures in it. 

“Those two really deserve to be fucking sh” but he stops talking.

“You want to say something inappropriate involving a gun don’t you?” I ask him.

“I’m sorry” he admits. 

“It’s okay but tell me one thing though” I ask him.

“What?” 

“In the soundbooth you started a sentence. After I told you that you’re much better friend then you give yourself credit for, but you didn't finish that sentence. What did you want to say?” and another silence follows.

“I wanted to say that it’s much easier with you because you see past the bullshit” Eric says “that I feel like I can be myself more around you but you were so sad I didn't wanna put that on you and I still kinda don’t” 

“Oh” I say biting my lip while I listen to him.

“When you said that when you’re angry you actually feel sad most of the time. I think that’s the same with me. But I just get so angry that I can’t really figure it out until much later” Eric tells me. 

“Yeah I get that” I say while I keep listening to him. 

“You haven’t really seen me angry yet” he says with a chuckle “but so far you’re still around” 

“Please, you’d have to go pretty far for me to walk away” I tell him.

“Yeah but no offence I feel like maybe you would walk away sooner if you had uhm” and he’s breathing a little close to the telephone. 

“More choices in friends?” I finish his sentence.

“I really do not mean it in a shitty way it’s just” and I cut him off.

“Another way to put yourself down or downplay that I think you’re a good friend?” I ask him. Eric goes mute for a bit.

“Yeah maybe, I don’t know. How the fuck do you know so much about this shit?” Eric asks me, sounding very interested in finding out.

“Therapy” I say to him “not long after everything happened I went into therapy to deal with feelings and stuff and it was actually super interesting” I tell him.

“Oh yeah?” Eric asks and I hear all kinds of muffled sounds.

“What are you doing?” I ask him.

“Getting in my bathtub,” he says with a chuckle.

Smiling I continue “she explained to me where certain emotions come from and anger almost always comes from sadness that isn’t noticed. It’s a build up. You feel uncomfortable and when that doesn’t go away you can get irritated or sad or whatever and when that goes unnoticed for whatever reason it turns into angry feelings. That’s basically the whole deal” I say to Eric.

“That really is interesting,” he says. “Sounds very different from my therapist” 

“You have a therapist?”

“Yeah and I take medication as well” he tells me so openly. 

“For what?” I ask him thinking it’s amazing how open he is right now.

“The anger and stuff, it helps me focus a little better,” he tells me.

“Oh my therapist said medication is ill-advised for our age that it’s better to learn how to understand our feelings and such” 

“That does sound smarter but I don’t know. This is fine I guess” Eric says.

“I miss my therapist to be honest” I say to him as I turn on my side.

“Why don’t you go anymore?” 

“It was expensive. My parents couldn’t afford it anymore. Which is fine I guess” I say to Eric. 

“Still sucks” he says and then we both turn quiet but it’s not uncomfortable. Eric is the one to break the silence “I have never talked about all of this with someone before, not on the phone at least” 

“With nobody? Really?” I ask him, finding it hard to believe.

“Never, I’m waiting on you to laugh at me” he says laughing.

“That’s not funny, I would never do that” I tell him. 

“I think that’s why I can talk to you like this,” Eric explains.

“Yeah and maybe it's easier because it’s over the phone” I know it is for me. “Eric please don’t be mad at me if I’m not this open with you when we see each other again” 

“I won’t be mad, I’m sure as hell not gonna talk about my shrink with you on Monday in the commons” he says, making us both laugh. 

“I guess but I just wanted to say that so you know and it won’t catch you off guard” I say to Eric.

“I appreciate that,” he tells me and then it hits me. I reach down in my pocket, or well Eric’s pocket. In it is the paper with Dylan’s number. I unfold it and look at his handwriting. “Y/n?” Eric asks.

“Yeah no problem” I tell him “I’m feeling pretty shitty so I have the feeling I won’t meet up tomorrow” 

“That’s fine, if you change your mind you can always call. Why do you want to hang up?” he asks, almost sounding sad about it. I look at the time and see that we’ve been talking for over an hour already. 

“No, just wanted to tell you in case I forget later” and so we keep talking. For hours. About so many things, I listen to him talk on and on about his levels and his passion for DOOM while he listens and asks great questions about the books that I read, have read and still want to read. He’s read quite a lot as well. More than I thought he would have. Eric is smart, really smart. And I enjoy talking to him so much, way more than I should. But it just feels so right and good. I don’t want to stop. So I don’t. And we keep talking well into the night giving me a first look into the Eric that I would come to know. 


	8. Worth the interrogation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone.
> 
> So it's been a while since I updated this story! Here's to hoping you all like it.
> 
> Do let me know what you think.
> 
> \- X

After falling asleep really late or early depending on how you look at it I wake up well into the afternoon. My body feels incredibly tired but I can’t deny that it felt great to talk to someone. Especially Eric, I really like him. So my day starts with him on my mind. My parents are sitting at the kitchen table. My dad is looking through a huge stack of papers and my mother is sitting beside him looking like she’s trying not to fall apart. It’s giving me anxiety so I greet them, grab an apple and go back up to my room. I had put Eric’s clothes in the washer after I talked to him and now I’m putting it all in the dryer. 

Eating the apple in front of the dryer I wonder if my parents will let Eric or Dylan come over without making a big deal out of it. I decide to wait and ask them during dinner if they’re in a better mood. 

After a long and dragging conversation with my parents they have agreed to let them come over but only when they’re home and if that rule gets violated it’s over. So, now I’m sitting on my bed staring at the phone. Resting my head on my knees, knowing I want to call him but feeling like a fool for wanting to.

After some beautiful tugging from one end to another in my head I call him. 

“Eric Harris” sounds on the other side of the line.

“Hi Eric, it’s me, Y/n” I say with my breath stuck in the back of my throat.

“Hey Y/n, how are you?” he asks excitedly.

“I’m fine, you?” I ask him, looking around in my room.

“I’m good thanks,” he says.

“So your clothes are clean and dry” I tell him “would you like to come over?”

“To collect the clothes?” he asks me. 

“Well yes and you know we could hang out if you want?” I say closing my eyes feeling so stupid for being this anxious over asking him.

“Yeah sure but is that okay with your parents?” he asks, sounding like he’s starting to move around. 

“Yes, they said it was fine for you and Dylan to come over as long as one of them is home and they both are so if you’re up for being questioned?” I ask hoping he is.

“I’ll be right over” he says and I can hear the smile in his words.

“Okay good” I say before we hang up. I freshen up just a bit and go tell my parents he’s coming. I make them swear they will go easy on him. When the doorbell rings after about 15 minutes I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I go to open the door and Eric is standing there with a smile.

“Hey” he says as he comes in.

“Hi Eric,” I say smiling back at him. “So I asked them to not make it look like an interrogation,” he chuckles at my words.

“I’ll be fine” he says and then I nod and we walk into the living room. Where my parents are sitting with their cups of tea in hand. My father gets up first.

“Hi, you must be Eric,” he says extending his hand to Eric with a cautious smile.

“Yes sir, I’m Eric Harris” he introduces himself. My mom gets up and shakes his hand as well. 

“You’re the one that brought my daughter home drunk” my mom says, making me cringe.

“Oh my God mom” I exclaim, walking over to stand next to Eric. 

“Had you been drinking when you drove her home?” she asks him going over my protests. 

“No ma’am, I got there a little later because I had an important test,” he tells her.

“Well, we don’t want any repeats of drinking. However thank you for bringing her home safe” my mom says with a sympathetic smile. 

“No repeats, ma’am” he repeats her words. Then they ask him some questions and he answers them all carefully. He’s very polite and kind in his speech. I get us a drink and then cut through them.

“So can we hang out now? Otherwise he needs to go home before we can even sign up to join an evil cult” I say jokingly. Eric’s eyes become huge but my father has a small smile on his face. 

“Go but don’t forget to read the terms and conditions before joining. Sometimes they ask for starters' money” my dad says. I pull on Eric’s sleeve for him to get up and we go upstairs to my room. 

“I am so sorry about all of that, I should have known going easy on you still meant gruesome” I say as I lead Eric into my room. Closing the door he looks around him a little before he turns to face me. 

“It’s okay, I understand but your dad is funny. Mine wouldn’t have appreciated a dark joke like that” he says standing in the middle of my room a little awkwardly. 

“Let’s sit on my bed” I say walking over to it and getting comfortable with my legs crossed on the bed. Eric sits down on the edge with quite a bit of distance between us. “Here” I say, handing him a coke.

“Thanks” he says as he takes it from me. “Your room looks nicer now that I’m not dragging a drunk girl in with me” 

“Yeah thanks” I say, opening my can. “There are your clothes” I say pointing at them on my desk with a plastic bag next to them. 

“Oh let’s hope you got the stink out” he smiles. I get up and pick his sweater up and raise it up to my nose.

“Adolescent male scent” I say smiling “not a single trace of girl on it, I promise” and I walk over to him pressing the sweater under his nose. He looks up at me and I see that lopsided smile appear on his face.

“Stinks no more than usual I guess” he says and I frown. Placing his sweater under my nose again before I turn around and say.

“Doesn’t stink one bit” and then I drop the sweater down on my desk. When I turn around I lean back on my desk looking at Eric with a small smile.

“You are a walking contradiction, do you know that?” he says with a chuckle. I know exactly what he means.

I look down while I take a deep breath “I know, I’m trying not to be” and I walk back to my bed. “I’m sorry” 

“It’s okay it was more an observation, I didn't mean to make you feel like you should apologise. I’m sorry” he says to me and this makes me laugh. “Why are you laughing now?” he asks chuckling.

“We’re both not very good at being ourselves” I say looking at him “you don’t have to apologise for making a very true observation and I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to apologise every damn 5 minutes” Eric looks down and licks his lips. “So let's make a deal” I say, extending my hand to him. 

“What kind of deal?” he asks looking up.

“To be ourselves at least with each other” I say smiling at him “keep apologizing for when we actually need it and just be us” 

“Us” he repeats and he smiles “okay I’ll shake on that, just one minor condition” he says looking at me with a cheeky smirk.

“Here it comes, spit it out” I say to him. He starts to laugh.

“No more indecent jokes when my mouth is full of food” he says as he starts laughing again. I suck my lips in.

“I’m not sure I can make that demand, indecent jokes are the funniest” I say to Eric. 

“Oh Jesus” he says before he takes my hand in his to shake on it. A knock on the door and it opens immediately after. It’s my dad. We’re still holding hands.

“Shaking on something?” he asks, frowning. 

“Yes, I just sold my soul to him” I say to my dad, making Eric smile a little nervously.

“Don’t say that” he blurts out, making me and my dad laugh.

“What? You promised me eternal youth and beauty in exchange for my soul. That’s a great deal if you ask me” I say looking at Eric who takes a deep breath in and avoids my father's eyes. 

“Don’t worry Eric, I know for a fact that that’s not true. Can’t sell a soul if you don’t have one” my father says with a smile. 

I look at my dad with a wide smile, we don’t have many of these interactions anymore, especially with outsiders. I know he must be enjoying this as well. It feels uncomplicated. “Moving on. I’m getting ice cream, do you two want some?” 

I turn to look at Eric with a pout on my face and my brows raised up high. “I could go for some ice cream”. 

“I’d like ice cream as well,” Eric says politely as he looks at my father.

“What flavor?” he asks Eric.

“Cookie dough, please” he answers. My dad nods and walks off, closing the door behind him. “Okay your dad is officially the best one” 

“I agree, with the whole soul I don’t have” I say smiling at Eric. He smiles back at me with soft eyes. “You’ve never smiled like that to me before” 

“Like what?” he asks with a frown. 

“I don’t know, kind or comfortable maybe. In school you never have this vibe over you” I say studying his facial features. 

“I fucking hate that school, all the people in it. Aside from you and V, maybe a few others” 

“Really? I think it’s a magical place” his head turns to look at me faster than I’ve ever seen a face turn, when he sees the sarcastic smile on my face he starts to chuckle. 

“Oh yes, absolutely” he says laying it on thick.

“So, do you want to watch a movie or something?” I ask him.

“Sure, why not” he says smiling “downstairs?” he asks. 

“No here in my room” I say as I get up and open the little cabinet underneath my tv. “I’ve got all kinds of movies, come pick one” I say as I sit down on my knees before it. Eric makes his way over and crouches down next to me.

“Lets see what you like to watch” he says letting his eyes go over the movies. “Oh Independence day” he says, taking the video in his hand. I look at Eric and smile. 

“Independence day it is” I say taking it from his hand and I want to put it in but another movie is still in it. I take it out and Eric takes it from my hand.

“Meet Joe Black?” he asks.

“Yeah, have you seen it” and I chuckle “probably not”. 

“No, what is it about?” Eric asks, still crouched down next to me. 

“Death falls in love with a mortal” I say, finding the cover from the tape. “It’s one of my favorite movies, I think I’ve seen it over a hundred times”

“Brad Pitt huh” he says looking at the cover.

“Yeah, I always wished they’d let another actor play death, one that looks less dreamy so to speak” I say to Eric. 

“You don’t like the dreamy death guy?” he asks looking at me. I look slightly up at him and shake my head.

“No, not particularly, I mean I understand. He fits the part well, all handsome making it very seductive? Yeah seductive, dreamy death” I say thinking about the movie “but I’d prefer someone else” 

“Someone like Ben Affleck?” he asks with a scoff.

“Ew no” I say “he’s the same look-I’m-so-gorgeous kind of actor. I don’t know how to explain it” I say eventually as I put Independence day in the video recorder. “Don’t worry I won’t make you watch that romantic shit with me” I say as I get up again. 

He does the same “I don’t mind, we can watch what you want” and then he looks around him. “Where are we sitting?” 

“We can sit on the floor, or we just sit on the bed” I say to him. 

“On the floor?” he asks, looking a bit skeptical.

“Yes, I like it but look this is the best way” and I take the remote and go over to my bed. Where I go lay down on my belly. Eric’s eyes follow my every move. I pat the bed next to me. “I left you space to do the same” and I move back up again to get one of my smaller pillows “take a pillow to lean on”. Eric looks a bit uncertain. 

“Are you sure?” he asks as he walks over to the other side.

“Yes, just get over here” I say as I start the movie. Eric then places his hands on the bed and comes to lay down next to me. My eyes still on the screen as I fast forward to the beginning. Then there is a knock on the door and my dad opens it. 

“Oh” he says looking at us. I turn to face Eric and he has red cheeks and shock on his face “I got the ice cream” my dad says looking at me like what-is-going-on. 

“Thanks dad” I say to him as I extend my arm “we’re watching Independence day” 

“We need to get you a small couch or something to place before your bed, so you can sit down, normally” my father says giving me the-look. 

“Sure, but I always watch movies like this and Eric is afraid of floor germs so” I say to my dad trying to keep this conversation airy. 

“I didn't say that, I can sit on the floor” he says getting up from the bed.

“Chill Eric, it’s fine. We’re not doing anything wrong, just wanting to watch a movie” and I turn to my dad “and eat ice cream” and he hands me the ice cream. I sit down on the bed “here better for the both of you?” I say looking at my dad and then Eric. My dad starts to shake his head before he leaves the room. 

“Don’t do that infront of your dad,” Eric says, a little embarrassed. I roll my eyes. 

“Don’t worry too much but I’m sitting on my glutes right now, so you can do the same” 

“Glutes” he says as he sits down on the foot end of the bed next to me “give me my ice cream, please” he says looking at the cups in my hands. I hand him his with a smile and press play. We start to watch the movie in silence as we eat our ice cream. After a while I get sick of watching it sitting like this. 

“Sorry Eric, I can’t watch a movie sitting like this. But that means you’re gonna go belly down as well” 

Eric looks at me “why?” 

“I’m not placing my head next to your ass” I say looking at him like duh. He scoffs and shakes his head.

“Fine” and we get on our belly again. Both leaning on our own pillow. “This isn’t too bad,” Eric says smiling at me.

“It’s super comfortable, I always watch movies like this” our elbows touch on occasion but that is about it. We both enjoy watching the movie and after a bit we start to talk. 

“So does that girl, what was her name Robyn right?” I ask Eric looking at the tv still. 

“The one that asked if you were friends with us?” 

“Yes that one” 

“Yeah Robyn is her name” Eric says “what about her?” 

“Did she date you or Dylan?” I ask him. 

“No, well not me and I don’t think she ever dated Dylan. Why the question?” he asks me. 

“Just struck me as odd that she specifically asked if I was dating one of you two” I say to him.

“Oh I don’t know, she’s more Dylan’s friend than mine” he says leaning his chin on his pillow. I take a sip of my drink and Eric looks at me and says “but since Dylan forgot the condoms, my best guess is you  _ are _ dating him”.

Looking at him with a deadly face after coke came out of my nose, sitting up still coughing Eric is laughing abundantly. I lay back down again when I’m done choking.“Yeah” and I clear my throat “maybe I should stop those jokes when people eat or drink” I say after this taste of my own medicine. “However I would never date Dylan” I say in all honesty.

“Because you don’t date” Eric states assuming that I probably don’t want to. I frown at him. As he too lays back down after he sat up laughing at the coke coming out of my nose. 

“Not because I don’t want to, actually” I say looking down on my pillow feeling a bit sad about that “I mean I’d like to date like any other 17 year old but you know” and I chuckle.

“Oh” he says and a long pause follows before he says “any specific reason you wouldn’t date Dylan then?” 

“He reminds me too much of my brother” I say looking at Eric. 

“Your brother?” Eric asks.

“Yeah and I think that’s why I’m so comfortable with Dylan you know. He’s got the same sense of strange humor, he doesn’t watch his words around me. Dylan makes what most would feel are inappropriate comments around me and I’m so sick of being treated like porcelain. It’s a breath of fresh air for someone to be like, get over yourself, forget the sadness just be you” and I look at Eric who's focussed completely on me, listening.

“I think about what I say around you does that bother you?” Eric asks me.

“No, not at all because you don’t do it in a way that makes me feel like I’m on suicide watch” I say chuckling, Eric’s brows rise and he smiles “you seem to be angry about the injustice that happens, like you feel it’s unfair that I’m guilty by ascociation. And I can appreciate that” I tell him. Eric’s eyes lower and he becomes very quiet.

“It’s a lot more complicated than that. Why I find it so horrible that you and your family get treated like this. Because of what your brother did” Eric says, still avoiding eye contact.

“You can try to explain,” I say and his response startles me.

“No, no I can’t. Don’t ask me that” when he sees my response he adds “I’m sorry, it’s just” and he looks at his hand. “I don’t want to hurt you” 

“I won’t ask again,” I tell him. “Or at least try not to”

“Thanks” he says before he looks up again. 

“Are you okay, Eric?” I ask. 

“Yeah I’m fine” he says with a smile.

“No I mean, really okay not just in this moment” I say laying on my side now fully ignoring the movie. Eric looks at me and his eyes go over me for a second before he turns away with his eyes. 

“I don’t know,” he tells me, still not looking at me. It makes me feel really sad because he doesn’t look okay.

“Well when you do, you know I’m here for you as well right?” I say to him. He looks at me and smiles. 

“Thanks” and he takes a deep breath and he chuckles “you know being persistent with a girl never paid off this well before” making me chuckle as well.

“Really?” I ask him.

“Pff are you kidding, you were cold as ice the first few times we spoke. And now” but he shies away.

“Getting shy halfway through a sentence, really?” I ask him. 

“Shit” he chuckles that I called him out “well now you’re probably the nicest girl I’ve ever met and you’re quite epic as well” and he looks away “basically perfect” 

“Did you just call me perfect?” I ask him with a gleeful smile. 

“Shut up, watch the movie” he says, shying away again. I turn back on my belly again and watch the movie. I completely miss his lingering eyes on me. After the movie is over Eric asks if maybe we can play some video games.

“Oh, I don’t have a console or anything” I tell him “it belonged to my brother so it’s with his stuff” 

“I’m sorry” Eric says and I playfully hit his arm “what why?” he asks looking at his arm.

“We said no more stupid apologizing” I say to him.

“But you looked sad,” he says, defensive with big eyes making me laugh. “Oh my God why are you laughing?” he asks with a chuckle. 

“If you have to apologize everytime I look sad it’s gonna be all you’re doing around me” I say to him. He raises his finger up to boop my nose. 

“Wrong” and then he starts to laugh loudly.

“Okay, why wrong and why are you laughing?” I ask him. He’s still laughing. 

“Because” but he isn’t done laughing. 

“God, spill it already” I say, getting annoyed.

“I’m trying” and he composes himself again enough to tell me “your eyes followed my finger and you looked completely cross-eyed for a moment” 

“And that is why you’re laughing so hard?” I ask him, surprised.

“Yeah you looked really stupid” he says making me hit him again. “Stop hitting me” 

“Fine, I’m sorry. Now tell me why was I wrong?” I ask him as I look at him. Eric adjusts the pillow under his arms. 

“You were wrong because contrary to your words you’ve been smiling a lot. Which is good, I mean I try to make you smile” he says so sweetly and he even sounds innocent in a way. 

“Hm” I say, smiling at him, taking what he said in. It makes me both sad and happy. Then a knock on the door followed by it opening. Just as I’m about to tell him he’s sweet for trying to make me laugh there is a knock on the door. We both look at the door. It’s my dad, his eyes go over us on the bed.

“I came to tell you it’s almost time for Eric to leave” and my father looks at me like he’s worried I think. 

“Shit, see he’s not happy about me being on your bed like this. You shouldn’t have pressed on to lay down like this” Eric says annoyed. Somehow his words hurt me. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut even though I know it’s not that bad, it feels that way.

“I’m sorry” I say getting back up and I bite my bottom lip, knowing I’m overreacting but I can’t help it. “I won’t make you sit or lay down like that again, I promise” I say with a lump in my throat.

“Y/n” Eric says, looking like he sees that I feel bad about what he said. 

“It’s okay, you’re right I shouldn’t have pressed on like I did” I say to him and manage to smile at him. Eric looks like he feels uncomfortable with this moment. 

“Alright, I should probably go, it’s close to my curfew as well” he tells me as he gets off the bed. He picks up his ice cream cup and I on my turn take it from his hands.

“I got that” I say with a smile and we make our way downstairs. When we get there Eric greets my parents. 

“Did you two manage to join a cult?” my mom asks with a friendly smile. 

“Unfortunately not, we got sidetracked by a movie” Eric says to her with a polite smile.

“What a shame” my father says. And they all wish each other a goodnight and my mom even says “see you soon”. Walking to the front door Eric puts his shoes back on and his starters jacket. 

“Thank you for coming and I’m sorry about all the questions” I say to Eric as he’s almost ready.

“No problem, I’d like to come again sometime soon. If that’s okay with you?” he asks when he’s done. 

“I’d like that if you can deal with my nonsense” I say with a small smile feeling guilty about how I reacted.

“Shut up, we made a deal remember” he says before that lopsided smile appears on his face again.

“Yeah and I was supposed to become beautiful so I’ll hold up my end when that happens” I joke with him. The door opens and Eric looks at me. 

“Could I give you a hug or is that pushing it?” he asks. 

“It’s pushing it” I say and he almost looks disappointed “but you can give me one if you really want” he starts to smile and comes up to me and pulls me in for a hug. Both our arms around each other's waists. His over mine. And I feel completely touch starved so I let my head rest against his shoulder and give in completely. Eric gives really amazing hugs. 

“Joke is on you though” Eric says as he lets me go and starts to walk to his car “you were already beautiful before the deal” he says making me suck in my lips as he keeps walking over to his car door. “Oh and the answer is yes I did” 

“Answer to what?” I ask him and he just smirks at me. 

“It’ll come to you, eventually” and with that said Eric gets in his car, waves at me and drives off. A little preoccupied with what he meant. I walk past my parents who ask me a question I don't hear. 

“Helloooo” my mom then says and I turn to look at her.

“Sorry what?” I ask, still distracted by my thoughts.

“I asked if you had fun” she asks with a little amused smile on her face.

“Yeah we watched Independence day and thanks to dad we had ice cream to go with it” I say with a smile.

“He seems pretty genuine around you. I liked that he wasn’t a fan of your horrible jokes” my dad says. 

“Yeah I thought you’d like that” I say to my dad.

“You two seemed pretty comfortable around each other and I’m not sure I’m a fan of how you two were laying on your bed” my dad adds, making my mom look at him a little unamused. He fills her in and she is indeed not amused.

“Do we need to keep your door open next time he comes over?” she asks me a bit suspiciously.

“You already interrogated him, please don’t do something like that. Besides he’s not interested in me like that I’m sure” I say more to myself then them. And I think they noticed because they share a  _ look.  _ “Besides dad said something about a couch to fit before my bed and I kinda like that idea” and I walk up stairs again. Lost in my thoughts again.

“Well he seems alright” my dad says looking at my mom as I walk up the stairs. Closing my bedroom door I look at my bed with a smile while my mind takes me back to laying there with Eric. He really is alright. I’m really glad he was so persistent. 

Somewhere in the middle of the night I sat up straight because I finally figured out what he meant. And it makes me smile. “He said I was perfect,” I whisper into the dark. 


	9. We're definitely friends

It’s very early on this Monday morning and I’ve parked my car. Waiting for either Eric or Dylan to show up. I do not want to walk into the bowling alley by myself. So when I see Dylan pull up I exit my car and walk up to his. 

“Hey” I say to him when I’m close enough. 

“Good morning” he says in a voice much lower than usual. 

“Morning, how are you?” I ask him as we both walk to the entrance.

“I’m fine, what about you? Mixing with the commoners in larger numbers, you up for that?” Dylan asks as he lights a cigarette. 

I take a deep breath “do you want the sarcastic answer or the truth?” I ask him while I light my own.

“It’s too early for any answer,” he says, not even joking.

“Suits me just fine” I say happy no answer is needed. “So I had a talk with my parents and if you don’t mind a very ugly talk with them you can come hang out with me at my place” 

“Ugly talk?” he asks with squinted eyes. 

“Yeah they interrogated Eric, can’t believe he didn't run in the other direction” I say taking a long drag from my smoke. 

“Eric is much better when it comes to adults with questions. They usually annoy me” he says openly.

“Then you better not come” I say with a chuckle.

“Sorry” he says with a small smile.

“No dude it’s fine. I appreciate the honesty” I tell him and he smiles.

“Tell you what, if on a random day I’m in a very good mood I’ll ring you up and see if I can swing by” he says looking at the cigarette between his fingers.

“Sure but I don’t mind going over to you. So no pressure to be in a very good mood” I grin at him.

“Vodka” it sounds from behind us and a creepy looking guy with a barret on his head comes walking our way. “What’s up, sport me one” he says when he’s closer and Dylan opens his packet of smokes for him.

“It’s all good” Dylan tells him “how did it go with your mom?” and he chuckles.

“Fuck it was awful man, lots of yelling” he says smiling as he seems to think about whatever it was he got yelled at for. 

“I bet so, you need a better hiding place for your stash” Eric’s voice sounds behind me and I turn around. He’s walking this way and he smiles at me as we make eye contact. “Hey groupie,” he says happy with himself. 

“Hell no, Eric” I say to him, not amused.

“Groupie?” Dylan asks.

“Who are you?” the guy just now asks me. I feel panic rise in my chest at the idea of having to introduce myself.

“I am Y/n” I say in a soft voice. 

“Wait” he says pointing his finger at me as he looks at Eric and Dylan “Jesus, you’re that chick everyone talks about. With the kille” 

“Don’t” Eric says as he intervenes “don’t be a dick to her, alright” 

The guy looks at Eric and then to Dylan “yeah man, she’s a friend” Dylan tells him and I can’t help but feel touched by his words, both their words.

He hesitates before he says “I’m Chris, welcome to the bottom of the social pit” and he extends his hand. A little weary I do reach out. 

“Nah you’re climbing up the pit ladder, I’m the actual bottom of it” and I shake his hand shortly. 

He chuckles “I like that” and so the four of us stand there.  _ High walls, all around me  _ I think to myself.

Until Eric says “let’s go, drop those fuckers or we’re gonna be late” and somehow we all drop our smokes and go in after him. The loud noises coming from inside make it very hard for me to breath. I watch the three guys walk in and find myself stuck on the floor just a couple of feet away from the door. I see all these peers together, loud and rowdy. Watching it all from a small distance with big eyes, fear is creeping up on me. I feel myself walking to the side a little and that’s when my absence is being noticed. 

Dylan comes walking back followed shortly by Eric “what’s up?” Dylan asks before Eric can.

“I eh, I” stammering through my words I manage to say “I can’t do this” and I make a break for the door not knowing how I made it back to the side of my car. Shallow breaths hurt my chest. Trying to take a deep breath in I fail to hear the footsteps behind me. 

“Y/n?” Eric calls out as I begin to hear the hurried footsteps come my way. 

“Not right now, Eric” I yell out, clawing for breath. He ignores me completely and comes to stand before me.

“Hey, you need to breathe,” he tells me.

“Yeah no shit” I tell him feeling powerless against this panic attack. “I can’t, I can’t fucking” and I throw my head back “breath” 

“Uhm, fuck, fuck what does your mother say when this happens?” he asks me quickly.

“I don’t know,” I say thinking really hard “she talks to me” 

“Okay, I can talk” Eric says looking really insecure “so I told Chris he had a shitty hiding place for his stash, right?” he asks me. Not really sure where he’s going with this I look at him.

“Right, so wanna know where I hide my stash?” he asks with a smile that shows me he has no clue what he’s doing. 

“Sure,” I say trying to get just one small breath in. 

“I have it hidden outside of my bedroom window. I sleep in the basement and there is a small window that leads out into the backyard and I actually dug a hole” he tells me while I slowly try to get a grip on myself and regulate my breathing again “big enough to fit a small cooler and that’s where I keep my stash in” Eric tells me with a hint of proudness in his voice. 

“You dug a hole?” I ask him while I do the best I can to not be completely sucked into this panic mode I’m in right now.

“Yes, my parents were out and I just dug a hole right out of my window. Now I just have to open my little window and dig a little for it” Eric starts to chuckle.

“What do you keep in the cooler?” I ask him. Slowly coming back to that safe place where my breath is waiting for me.

“Ah, irish cream, tequila sometimes Vodka if V doesn’t drink it all. He brings whiskey sometimes” Eric tells me. 

“What do you like best?” I ask him. 

“I’m not much of a drinker but I guess irish cream if anything. But if I wanna drink anything is fine” he says. 

Taking a very deep breath in I let it out with a faint sob, placing my hand before my eyes. “God, I’m such a loser” I say, turning around, not able to face Eric.

“Don’t say that” Eric says much softer behind me “you’re breathing again, that’s good” 

I let out another sob and wipe the tears off of my cheeks. After a few deep breaths I’m ready to turn back around, not looking into his eyes. “Thank you” I say to him, unable to look up because I feel so incredibly embarrassed. 

“Don’t mention it, are you okay?” he asks. Slowly I look up but not to his face.

“I’m fine” I say, feeling very closed off. 

“What happened?” he asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Eric” I tell him, finally able to look into his eyes. 

“Yeah, of course, sorry” I feel so guilty that he’s apologising so I step closer to him and bump his arm “and she’s hitting me again” he says but with a wide smile, that he forces to become small again. “Glad to have you back” 

I just nod “no more stupid apologising, remember. I should be the one to apologise” and I look down again. 

“Nope, shut up” he says, making me look up at him with a small smile “are we going back in?” 

“I guess” I say feeling insecure about it “it’s just so many of them in there” 

“Of them?” Eric asks with a chuckle. 

“You know what I mean” I say with a small smile. 

“Yeah I do” he says as he makes his way to the door again, I follow close behind him with my heart in the back of my throat. “Ready?” he asks as he takes the door handle in his hand. 

“No, but let’s go” I say and we walk in again. Everybody is already on the lanes while we make our way to get shoes. I try to focus on anything but the crowd, now that I know what I could expect I do feel slightly less on edge. And I can always leave again. 

“What size shoes do you need?” Eric asks me as he’s leaning on the counter.

“Uh six and a half” I tell him. He looks down on my feet. 

“Really, they look like an 8 at least” he jokes, making me roll my eyes. I can’t help but chuckle.

“Honestly, Eric, why?” I ask him still with a smile on my face. He doesn’t answer me but rather tells the guy he needs another pair in size six and a half for me.

“V saved us seats” he says after we’ve put on our shoes. “He’s over there” and I follow his hand. All the people on the lanes make my stomach turn again and I feel a heavy stone in my belly. Trying to weigh me down. I wish my dad was here, or my mom. So I could hold their hand. “Hey, Y/n, are you okay?” Eric asks sticking his face in mine so I’m pulled out of every doom scenario rising in my thoughts.

“What?” I ask him as he searches for my eyes. When he finds them he repeats the question. “Oh yeah” I say and his brows go up “fine, no I’m shit. I feel like holding my mom's hand” upset with myself for blurting that out to him. 

“Uhm, I’m not your mom but you can hold my hand if you need to,” he tells me, making me look back into his eyes again. 

“Are you kidding? And make a fool out of myself?” I say to him not really thinking that through.

“You look like a fool when you hold my hand?” He asks me, sounding a little offended but I think he knows I don’t mean it like that.

“No, shit of course not, that’s not what I meant” and I chuckle “no, Eric I meant the fact that I need to hold a hand to go out into a crowd” 

“You call this a crowd?” he laughs “no this is just a couple of people, now lets go before we waste the whole class” 

“Right” I say as we go towards the lanes and to the seats Dylan saved us. 

“You two made it,” Dylan says sitting down all relaxed. Chris is in the seat across from him. “Go take your turn” Dylan tells Eric. I take a seat next to Dylan as Eric walks up to the lane, picking up a bowling ball along the way. He takes his stance and then he does something I’ve never seen anyone do with a bowling ball. He throws it from his chest down onto the lane. With a loud bang it lands and rolls his way into the pins. Knocking all but one down. I’m absolutely amazed. And when he comes back I ask him about it before I take my own turn. Feeling absolutely exposed before the lane I notice that most people keep their eyes to themselves. Too busy to take notice of me and I let out a relieved breath. Time goes by quicker then I thought it would and before I know it, it’s time to go. Everyone seems to leave almost at once so I stay seated while Chris runs up to give his shoes back. Dylan and Eric look at me as they get up as well.

“Are you coming?” Dylan asks.

“Not just yet, you guys go. I’ll see you two in school” I say to them. 

“What, why?” Eric asks. 

“I’m waiting for the crowd to be gone,” I say to him. 

“No, come on, let’s go. You’ll be fine” Dylan tells me as he makes his way over to the line. I take a deep breath and get up.

“You can wait, if you want,” Eric tells me as I come up beside him. 

“No, maybe he’s right. I won’t know if I don’t try, right” I say trying to keep a positive mindset. 

“Alright” he says as we walk to the back of the line, I keep close to Eric as I watch the people around me. I feel my throat closing on me. With my bowling shoes in my right hand and Eric next to my left I keep looking at the line, watching the people leave. Counting the people before me. Someone bumps into me and I feel my body freeze up. 

“Oh sorry” a guy says without really looking at me. 

“It’s okay” I say in a soft voice, Eric turns around.

“Sorry, what did you say?” he asks me.

“Nothing” I tell him, people around me are getting louder and I feel myself losing the battle against my nerves. My left hand goes up and before I know it I’m holding Eric’s shirt in my hand, going to stand even closer to him. Looking in another direction, not consciously aware of the fact that I’m holding onto him. Eric however noticed, immediately. He turned around annoyed to see who was touching him but when his eyes dropped down and found it’s my hand on the back of his shirt the annoyance disappeared. Making place for something else entirely. He smiles as his eyes feel glued to my hand on his shirt. 

Turning around I finally feel what my hand is doing. When I find Eric’s eyes he gives me a small smile but doesn’t say anything and for that I’m thankful. Not acknowledging the fact that I’m clutching onto his shirt gives me a sense of freedom. When it’s our turn we hand our shoes to the guy behind the counter and quickly after we find our way to the exit. People are scattering in every direction in the parking lot. And I quickly see Dylan. “Hey Dylan” I yell out as I let go of Eric to walk over to him. “Thanks,” I say to him.

“For what?” he asks, confused.

“For making me try” I say with a smile. A small one forms on his lips.

“You’re welcome” he tells me before he starts walking away “turns out you're not a total wuss” and I flip him off, when he turns around to look at me he just chuckles. Then I turn back to find Eric. But I can’t see him or his car. Frowning I don’t understand why he left without saying bye or anything. I quickly make my way over to my car. To drive to school. 

Eric’s car is here but it’s time for the next class so I don’t have time to think about why he left in such a hurry. Luckily that class goes by quite well and after that one I have a free periode. Not really up for the masses I decide to go see if I can pull back into the sound booth but I am out of luck. I want to go to my car but when I walk past the commons I hear a familiar laugh and see Eric sitting there with one guy and a few girls. Looking at him from a distance I wonder if I could tap him on the shoulder and ask to talk to him. But the fear of the others on the table not liking who I am stops me. The last thing I want is for Eric to feel like shit because of me. Just as I’m about to turn around someone at his table recognizes me. I see her pointing at me and Eric turns around with a frown on his face. He looks at the girl again, says something I can’t make out and she stops pointing. Eric then waves at me shortly and I put my hand up real quick before I walk away. I have a stinging feeling in my chest. Why didn't he come my way? Why would he, is a better question, the nasty voice in the back of my head retorts. I take the straps from my backpack in my hands and decide to go to my car. Maybe reading can take me away from this reality, if only for a moment. 

Sitting in my car with my book in my hand I’ve been trying to read the same sentence about seven times now. It’s not coming through, I can’t escape my thoughts. I hardly ever seem to be capable of averting my thoughts when Eric is walking through them. I feel stupid because somehow I feel anrgy that he didn't come my way. As if he’s obligated to, as if I’m his only friend. I give up and close my book, dropping it in my lap as I close my eyes. Never before was I trying to lay claim on a friend. But it’s been so long since I’ve had people around me that felt like friends. I just want to spend time with both of them. A knock on my window startles me out of my thoughts. When I open my eyes I can’t help but smile when I see it’s Eric. I step out of my car and say “hey Eric”

“Hi” he says a little closed off “I told her not to point at you again” 

“Thank you,” I say, closing my car door.

Eric nods his head “sure, no problem, just thought you should know” and he’s about to turn around.

“Why did you leave so fast without saying bye at the bowling alley?” I ask him. He looks at me and his expression almost turns sour. 

“You were busy, I didn't want to interrupt,” he says looking at something behind my head. 

“Oh I was just talking to Dylan for a second, I wanted to come back to you but you were already gone” I say to Eric with a small smile. “I wanted to thank you” 

“Thank me? For what?” he asks me. 

“For letting me hold onto your shirt like a toddler without turning it into a thing” I say, taking a deep breath.

“I didn't” 

“Wait, I wasn’t finished,” I say, holding a finger up to Eric making him look at me like I’ve gone mad for doing that. It makes me smile “I also want to thank you for helping me not get a full blown panic attack” I say walking closer to him “I’m always dead afraid to get one without one of my parents nearby and I’ve never managed to avert a panic attack on my own” 

“You don’t have to thank me for that, for either of those moments” he tells me with a small smile “just don’t shush me like that, I don’t like it when you do that” and he holds up his finger like I just did, but there is a small smile on his face. 

“Okay, I’m sorry I won’t do it again. But then next time try not to run off like you did, for whatever reason it was” I say to Eric sticking out my hand. 

He looks at it and takes my hand “we keep shaking hands” 

“Yeah, what else are we gonna do?” I say shrugging, he chuckles. 

“Yeah, what else” and he pulls his hand back. 

“So a stash outside your window,  _ in _ the ground” I say semi impressed “you don’t do things half ass, don’t you?” 

Eric licks his lips “no, go big or go home, what can I say” he chuckles.

“Do you sneak out often?” I ask him with a tilted head. 

“Not anymore, why? I’m not sneaking into your house with your parents” he chuckles.

“I was just wondering, gees” I say with a smirk on my face.

“You can sneak in my room if you want, anytime” he says with that lopsided smirk of his. 

“Ha, you wish” and I look at the school “don’t you have class right now?” 

“No, the teacher got sick so I have a free period. What about you?” Eric asks.

“I have a free period as well, but I have a horrible teacher in the next class so I’m not looking forward to that” I tell him anxiously. 

“What about the teacher?” Eric asks and I inform him about how he told me to not use my lousy last name as an excuse to do bad in class or draw attention to myself. “See, I hate this fucking school so bad” Eric says looking tensed up. 

“People just suck” I tell him “well not all of them” and I walk to my car, Eric follows me.

“No, not all of them? Because you could have fooled me” he says scornful. 

“Definitely not all” and I open the door to my backseat and pull out a bag. “Some people are very kind and they help you when you feel totally alone with nowhere to go” and I hand him the bag. He frowns and looks in the bag.

“My clothes” he says and then he looks at me as if he fully realizes that I was talking about him just now. 

“Yeah, take them before I change my mind and keep the sweater” I joke with him. 

“Yeah, don’t do that” he says laughing.

“I won’t” and somehow I feel a bit awkward, just standing here with him. 

“Did you like bowling, aside from your signature breakdown?” he says with a cheeky smile.

“That is rude, but I think I did. It’s just, I’m always afraid, you know” I tell him honestly “but holding onto you without you making a big deal really made me feel more free” a blush reaches my cheeks over my confession.

Eric smiles “you can do that anytime” A conversation in which we both bitch our hearts out about people follows. All the way up to the moment we walk in for our next class. 

“Exactly, and then you get busted and expelled for taking revenge” Eric says all heated up. “It’s like, okay, thanks for showing I am worthless in comparison to everyone else” 

“So fucking true, I still get pissed off thinking about how they made me pay for those assholes messing up my locker” and I look at him “what did you do though?” I ask Eric.

“Aah with a few others, V included, we hacked into the school system and got some locker combinations” Eric says with a smirk that tells me he still enjoys the memory.

“Well well well, you really are a rebel aren’t you. On diversion and everything” I say with a crooked smile. 

“Don’t say that” he says frantically looking around him “I don’t want everyone to know about that, Jesus Christ” 

A lump forms in my throat as he looks angry at me “I’m sorry” I say slightly afraid and my eyes fall to the floor. Somehow I want to pull up my walls, really high and very fast. 

“Shit, Y/n I didn't mean to make you upset” he says, placing his hand on my shoulder. My eyes fall on his hand on my shoulder. “Really, I’m sorry and don’t hit me” Eric tells me. 

I shake my head “it’s not your fault” I feel completely closed off. I can’t even look him in the eyes “I have class now, I’ll see you” and I walk towards the classroom door.

“Yeah, see ya” Eric tells me before he tooe walks off.  _ But he doesn’t like this, how I walked off, not one bit.  _

Aside from someone throwing my stuff on the floor, this period goes by uneventfully. The teacher leaves me alone as well and when I’m done I just sprint out of class as fast as I can. I go back to my car again at lunch and eat alone. I feel like I can recharge a little before my last class of the day. Which goes by as uneventful as the one before and feeling exhausted but quite alright I head back to my car so I can go home. 

Close to my car I see a note under my windshield wiper, yet again. Hoping with all my heart it’s from Dylan or Eric I walk over there and take it from my window. 

“Y/n, I know you don’t like it when people treat you like you’re a porcelain doll. But sometimes I think it’s okay to ask for compassion in a friend, that they think about how they respond to you for instance. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry, I get so embarrassed about my Diversion shit that I didn't think. And writing it on a note makes sure you can’t hit my arm =). I’ll call you later - Eric” 

I fold the note so I can put it in my pocket when someone calls out to me “received a note there did you?” and I turn around to see Eric giving me a half smile, hesitantly. 

“Nah, it’s a parking ticket” I say smiling back shyly. 

“Right, well you park like shit so it makes sense” he chuckles as he takes his keys from his jeans pocket. 

“Parking is hard okay, ever heard of the word compassion?” I say taking my keys out of my own pocket. 

“Compassion hm, nope never heard of the word” he says walking to his door. “Anyway, talk to you later, doll” and he gets in his car before I can protest. 

Starting up my car I see him drive by before me with a big smile on his face and he waves at me. I wave back with a great eye-roll to go with it. But my smile is just as wide as his when I drive off. 


	10. Caring about friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :)
> 
> Another update! 
> 
> Hope you all like it, please let me know <3

**Six weeks later**

A good while has gone by and my friendship with Eric and Dylan is nicely shaped by now. I’ve spent plenty of time with the both of them, Eric even more so, a lot more actually. With Dylan it’s always good, we play games at his place, he hasn’t been to my house once. Dylan told his parents that my name was a nickname, that I never use my own name because it’s awful. They bought into it as far as we know. 

Eric on the other hand is starting to become part of the furniture. My parents like him as well and Eric is even allowed to come in the house if they are out for a short bit. A very short bit. Eric’s parents know about my family’s tragedy and that was an awful day. It took them talking to my parents, briefly, and seeing my school records to see I’ve always been a good student. Eric was livid over how that went, I’ve never seen him so angry before that day or since. It’s a day we don’t talk about, but it has since been a lot better and I go to his place as well. But rarely have to because Eric is always at my place. There is a small one and half seat couch at the foot end of my bed now. For movies and just hanging out. But we sit downstairs just as often to do homework together. 

School is pretty much the same except for the one big incident. We also don’t talk about that. Eric and Dylan both saved my ass by lying to my parents for me. If not, it would have been homeschooling for me. Something I really do not want. So they helped me out, big time and we agreed to never talk about it again, we don’t even so much as mention that day. 

Until today that is.

Sitting at the kitchen table with our homework, it’s just Eric and me for a moment. Eric’s eyes wander off from his book and land on me. I keep catching more and more of his looks lately. I’m not sure what to think about that, it confuses me. 

“So when is it coming off, soon right?” he asks me, dropping his pen on the table.

“In two days” I say looking at the cast on my left arm. 

“When are you picking up your car?” he asks, crinkling his nose as he looks at me.

“In three days, go figure” I say with a chuckle “it doesn’t matter, I’m taking the bus to the hospital” 

“The bus? Why?” he asks leaning back in his chair.

“Because my dad can’t miss work and my mom faked an appointment” I answer him, looking down on my hands “she can’t step into that hospital ever again and I don’t blame her” when I look up I see Eric’s confused face. “My brother, they had to identify him. After”

“Shit, yeah no wonder she can’t set foot in that place” he says before he clears his throat “how late is your appointment?” 

“It’s just after lunch,” I say to him, turning the page of my book. 

“Alright, well meet me at my car then when lunch starts” he says casually “I’ll bring you” 

“You’ll bring me?” I ask him.

“Yes, I’ve been your ride since your car has been in the garage to and from school so why not?” he says licking his lips as he looks back at his books with a small smirk on his face.

“I can just take the bus” 

“Nope” he says before his hand waves at my books “go do your homework, slacker” he makes me smile while I look down.

“Thank you” I say as I try to focus on my homework again. That’s just who Eric is. He’ll go out of his way to help friends, sometimes whether they like it or not, or maybe that’s just with me. Often he doesn’t take no for an answer. It can be a bit much but I usually don’t mind, I like spending time with him. My eyes go up from my books, catching him looking away quickly, again. I like spending time with him a lot.

“You’re welcome” he says and after a small pause he continues “what are friends for right?” 

“You do more for me then a lot of my very best friends ever have” I say and he looks up, I smile at him “seriously, you’re very good at this whole friendship thing” Eric shies away with his eyes and when he looks back his eyes look a bit different from before. 

“So are you,” he says softly. “I’ll never forgive them for hurting you the way they did that day” 

My heart drops in my chest, that day creeps back up in my head. “We don’t talk about that remember” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I just, I think about it a lot and, okay no I’m sorry, forget I ever said anything” he says closing his eyes as he looks down on his book. Feeling myself close off I get up to get a drink. 

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it” I say looking at the counter, trying to fight the tears. “Do you want a new drink?” I ask him.

“Sure” he says “maybe some snacks, or make me a sandwich”

“Excuse me?” and I turn around to find a big smile on his face “oh my God, I was about to freak out” I say laughing as I turn to walk to the fridge.

“Is that a no?” he asks but he can’t help chuckle. 

“What do you think?” I am still laughing “asshole” 

“I think I’m happy you’re laughing again” he says making me suck in my bottom lip, happy he can’t see my face. At that moment my parents come back home. We have lunch with them and after we’re done with homework Eric has to go because he’s meeting up with Dylan. 

_ Two days later at lunch _

Making my way through the crowded halls of the school I walk to the parking lot in a hurry. My heart is beating like crazy deep in my chest. So when Eric’s car is visible and I see he’s already waiting next to it I feel a big relief bubble up inside of me. Letting out a big sigh I make my way over to him. 

“Hey cab driver” I say knowing he doesn’t like to be called that at all.

“Thank God you’ll have your car back tomorrow, so I no longer have to deal with your shit” he says annoyed but I know he doesn’t mind taking me at all. “Let’s go to a drive through for lunch, yeah?” 

“Sounds good” I say as I buckle up while he drives us to Mcdonalds. Where we have lunch in the car before we drive to the hospital.

“I’ll wait here in the car for you,” Eric tells me.

“You’re kidding right?” I ask him.

“I’m not gonna force myself into the waiting room with you” he says with a chuckle.

“That’s fine but I will force you all the way into the doctor's room with me” I say to him.

“You want me to go with you?” he asks. And I look outside to think if I’ll let him in on my thoughts or not.

“I was trying to be all brave and do this on my own but when you said you’d bring me I was so fucking happy to not have to be here alone” and I look at Eric “I’d really like it if you went with me to take this shit off my arm, I’m scared to death and not even for the appointment” 

Eric looks at me nodding “of course I’ll go if you really want me to but why are you so scared then, if not for the appointment?” 

“I’m terrified to run into my brother's ghost in there” and I feel my eyes well up “not literally” I add. 

“Shit, I’m sorry” Eric says and my fist lands on his arm “for fuck’s sake, you need to stop hitting me” 

“Only if you stop apologising when you don’t have to” I say as we get out of the car.

“Listen, I’m trying but I don’t like to make you sad and then saying sorry just comes out. So you need to think of another way to respond instead of hitting my arm” and he looks at me, adding “it’s starting to piss me off” with a chuckle

“Okay, I’m sorry. I will stop hitting you, as soon as I think of something else to do instead” I say to him as we approach the doors. 

“Think of something fast” he tells me in a commanding way.

“Sure,” I say, hardly having heard what he said just now. Instinctively, like I do in the school from time to time I grab his arm. 

“You’re gonna be fine, you needed an x-ray first right?” Eric asks me, shaking me out of my dark thoughts.

“Oh yeah, I need to do that first. God, I already forgot” 

“You can call me Eric but I appreciate the recognition” he says and I turn my head to look at him with a frown. He smiles and I shake my head. We find where I need to be and I am told to go sit in the waiting room. My foot is tapping the floor as fast as it can. “Are you okay?” 

“Not so much” I tell him as panic washes over me but I have little time to be pushed into the panic any further because my name is called out. “See you in a bit, if it takes more than 10 minutes they’re stealing my organs” 

“Yeah I heard a dark heart sells really well on the black market” he says, making me chuckle. 

The x-rays are done within minutes and the results will go straight to my doctor. I step out and see Eric flipping through a copy of Gunns and Ammo. “So far so good” I say as I walk out.

“Still have both kidneys?” he asks getting up.

“I think so, yeah” and I smile “next stop is to get the cast off and then I have to go see the doctor” 

“Alright, let’s go find out where we have to go, or do you know?” he asks.

“I know where we have to go,” I say to him and I feel so weak that I decide to tell him. “Eric, I feel horrible, I’m scared, sad and every other fucking feeling in the book. I wish my dad was here” 

“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you?” he asks me, looking really worried. I think about all the times he has helped me before. Telling people to back off and leave me alone, giving me his clothes, helping me through a panic attack and everything else that he has done since we met. Suddenly I already feel a little better. 

I smile at him “you already are” 

“What do you mean?” he asks with a brow raised.

“You’re already helping me by being here” I say to him and his words from before we went bowling that first time pop up into my head. Hoping I’m not about to mess everything up I slowly let my left index finger find his pinky. He looks down at what I’m doing and locks his pinky around my finger instantly. We just smile at each other and make our way over to where we need to be. I give my name before we go to sit down in the next waiting room. “I’m so scared my arm is gonna be all disgusting” 

“Don’t worry, it can’t get much worse then your right arm” he tells me and I shake my head.

“When did you turn into Dylan?” I ask him with a grin.

“Sorry, I’m just trying to make you feel better” he chuckles.

“I can’t hit you, what the hell am I supposed to do?” I ask him.

“Oh shit, that again” and he pinches his nose for a moment “I don’t know, just don’t hit me” 

“I could pinch your arm?” I suggest. He looks at me like are-you-for-real?

“That’s worse, think of something nice,” he says shaking his head at me. 

“What would that be? A kiss?” I ask him jokingly and he turns at me looking with a little sparkle in his eyes and for a moment I think he’s going to say yes to that but before he can answer my name is called out. “Crap” I say looking at the lady who raises her eyebrows at my words.

“You'll be fine” Eric says to me as I get up. He has no idea that, that is not the reason for what I said.

“You’re coming in” I say to him and he looks surprised that I actually want him to come with me.

“Yeah, sure of course” Eric quickly gets up to follow me and I’m told where to sit. Eric takes the chair beside me. 

“Someone will come take off your cast momentarily and the doctor will come when that’s all done” a woman in her early 40’s informs us.

“Thank you” I say to the lady.

“You’re welcome” and she walks away. 

“Any last bets on how my arm will look?” I ask with a nervous chuckle.

“Lots of mold, everywhere” Eric says jokingly and we both look at my cast, I tap on it with my finger. 

“Mold, you asshole” I say laughing, I keep tapping the cast. Eric is about to reach out for my other hand with his, we both look at it happening. Just as he’s almost holding it a voice interrupts us, again. Making him pull back immediately.

“Good afternoon miss Y/L/N” the man says who's about to take off my cast. He checks all my personal info and then he gets what he needs to take off my cast. “Let’s see what’s underneath” 

“My friend here seems to think you’ll find lots of mold” I say softly.

“Have you been keeping it dry?” the man asks me. 

“Yes,” I tell him, looking at his face.

“Then there is definitely no mold underneath this cast” he tells me with a smile. I look at Eric with an I-told-you-so face and he chuckles. 

“That’s good, can’t be friends with girls who have mold on their arms” and I shake my head at him. 

“This may look scary but there is nothing to worry about” the man starts, raising every alarm bell inside of me. “I’m going to cut the cast off with a saw that’s designed to do just that, cut through the cast and nothing else” 

“A saw” I say shocked by the idea and I look at Eric with huge eyes. His brows are up high as well.

“That’s awesome,” he says looking at the instrument the man is holding.

“Awesome? I’m scared to death” I tell him. The man goes on to explain how it’s absolutely safe but that changes nothing for me. “Eric” I just say and with a whole lot of shame I raise my hand hoping he will get the hint. He does, he understands. Without making a fuss or anything he takes a hold of my hand. Eric doesn’t even say a word, he starts to blush though. I look at my arm to try and hide my own reddened cheeks. The man tells me he’s about to take the cast off and I look in the other direction until the sound of his instrument is shut off. The side of my cast is now open and he breaks it open revealing an arm without mold.

“No mold” he tells me, smiling, finally able to breathe again I let out a nervous chuckle.

“See, no mold” I say to Eric who smiles as well. 

“I’m a little disappointed,” he jokes. 

“On the outside it looks all good and the doctor will come in soon to talk to you about how it looks on the inside. I will give you something to clean your arm with” and off the man goes. 

I look at my arm and feel a bit strange. Turning it around I start to move my fingers and roll my wrist around. “That feels so weird” 

“Does it hurt?” Eric asks me. 

“I don’t know, I mean it’s stiff and sore but I don’t think it hurts really” and my eyes fall on our hands still holding each other. I pull my hand back. “Thank you for letting me be a fucking toddler” 

“Don’t say that, I hate it when you say shit like that” Eric says to me “you know it’s fine, I’m not afraid of girl germs” and that lopsided smirk is on full display. I nod my head and look down. 

“Well, thank you for not being afraid of my girl germs, at least now we know I can’t mold all over you” 

“I would have left your ass in the parking lot if that was the case” he jokes “no, in all seriousness, you can always do something like that if it helps” I look at him and see a different smile on his face, one much smaller and I see his hazel eyes look more green today then brown. Somehow seeing that creates a stir in my stomach.

“Thank you, Eric” I say just as the doctor comes walking in.

He calls me by my full name and checks my birthday before he sits down. “How are you feeling, how is the arm?” 

“Uhm, stiff but fine I guess” I say to him. 

“Good, I’ve seen the x-ray’s and it looks perfect. Exactly what we want to see. There is no need for any further treatment, unless it stays stiff for too long then I’d like you to see a physical therapist but otherwise, you’re good to go” he tells me with a smile and then he looks at Eric. “I have a more personal question I want to ask you. Are you okay with me asking in front of your friend?” 

I look at Eric and back at the doctor. “I can wait outside” Eric tells me ready to go. “No, stay,” I tell him. 

“Okay, you’ve had fractures before and that shows up in your records. So, seeing as I’ve read the reason for your previous fractures amongst the other injuries, I want to ask you. Did you really fall down the stairs?” and he looks at me with a sympathetic smile. My heart is struggling, I look at Eric whose facial expression has changed drastically since a few moments earlier. 

“I did, I fell, I was clumsy,” I tell the doctor. He doesn’t believe me and Eric knows that is not what happened. 

“If you didn't you should know you’re safe to say so here” the doctor gives it one more try. 

“Thank you” I say with a tremble in my voice “can I get on paper that my arm is fine for my parents” 

“Of course” he tells me and turns around. I dare not to look at Eric. Not right now. He gives me an envelope for my parents and we shake hands. When we walk through the door, neither Eric or I say a word. Silently we go back to his car where he holds the door open for me to enter. I sit down, buckle up and place my hand on my wrist, trying to rub out the stiffness. Eric still doesn’t say a word as he starts his car.

“It’s none of my business what happened” Eric then says before he drives off. “But how can you still forgive people?” 

I look at him and see the anger boiling in his face, flared nostrils as he tries to not let his anger get the better of him. 

“I have to” I tell him weakly “because I hope that one day I can forgive my brother. So I can think about him and just love and miss him. Not be constantly angry over what he did to those innocent people and himself. What he did to my parents, to me, I can’t forgive him for breaking us all into a million fucking pieces, but I want to” I say wiping away the tears. I can’t make myself look at Eric. “God I want to so badly because I love him so fucking much, he was my brother, Eric” and then I turn to look at him. Eric has his fist in front of his mouth. He looks sad, like he’s ready to burst out crying. “I’m so sorry I made you sad, you’ve been so sweet and here I am” 

“No” he says clearing his throat “I made myself sad, you didn't do anything wrong” and he sits up straight, looking at me “you did nothing wrong, ever” and I know he’s not talking about this moment. I shake my head. “Let’s go” and he starts to drive. 

Eric turns on music and we listen to it “how about we don’t go back to school?” 

“Sounds like a great fucking plan” I say to Eric with a smile. 

After we picked up some snacks and drinks we went to the park and sat down on one of the picnic tables. “This beats school any day” I say, opening my bag of doritos.

“Definitely” Eric says as he looks at me. 

“What?” I ask him. He shakes his head.

“Nothing” but the crooked smile on his face tells me differently. 

“Okay if you say so” and I look at my left arm “it’s so weird that my arm works again” 

“Yeah I know how that feels” Eric tells me.

“You’ve had a broken arm?” I ask him.

“No, but when I had the surgery on my chest I couldn’t do shit for a long time. I couldn’t even laugh. I had to sneeze once and thought I was gonna fucking die” he says reminiscing.

“Fuck, that must have been awful” I say before I start to munch on my snack. 

“Just imagine not being able to move your upper body at all” Eric tells me “it was just before Christmas as well, that was fun” 

“Oh man, and all that to fix the dent right?” I ask him.

“Yeah” he says, not looking at me as he opens his slim jims. 

“How do they even fix something like that?” I ask and Eric explains the procedure to me “holy fuck, and you did that?” 

“Obviously” he says. 

“Well I mean, was it really necessary to do so?” and I look at him.

“You mean fix a dent in my chest? Hell yeah it looked fucked up and it’s not even” but he stops. 

“Not even what?” I ask him.

“Never mind” he tells me.

“No, tell me, it’s not what?” I ask him and when he looks at me I give him a small smile.

“It’s not fully fixed, there is still a small dent” he tells me reluctantly. 

“Oh, can I see?” I ask him and he looks at me as if I’ve lost it.

“Are you crazy?” he asks me. 

“Well, a bit yeah but I’m just curious, sorry” I say before I put some more doritos in my mouth. 

“You really are hella different from other people aren’t you?” he asks me as he looks at me with a frown. 

“I just think scars and shit like that make us who we are” and I look at my feet on the seating part of the table. “At least that’s what I tell myself when I look at my own scars” 

“What scars do you have?” Eric asks.

“Uhm I have quite a few” and I give him a small smile. “This one for example” and I pull my hair over my other shoulder and pull it up just behind my ear. “Look” and I get closer to Eric with my neck, completely unaware of how that affects him. 

“Oh yeah I see, right here” and he traces the straight lined scar I have there with his finger “what is that from?” 

“My brother and I were playing that we were on a sinking ship and when the waves got really high I fell overboard and hit the nightstand of my parents right with that spot” and I let go of my hair and face Eric again “it was a bloody mess” I say slightly proud. 

“Jesus, how old were you?” Eric asks with his eyes anywhere but on me. 

“Nine I think or maybe eight but I’m not sure and I have more of these little scars from playing like an idiot” and I look at him “do you have any other scars?” 

“Yeah, one on my leg” and Eric tells me his heroic story of saving his friend when they got into an accident with their bikes. 

“Eric Harris, a true hero” I say as I listen to him, he scoffs. “Don’t worry I won’t ask you to pull your pants down and show me” 

He looks at me with huge eyes before he starts to laugh “but you did ask me to see the one on my chest” 

“Yeah, I could just peek in your shirt” and I pretend to do so with my eyes “it’s nothing weird, I’d see the same thing if we went swimming or something” 

“Maybe so but it’s still weird to me” and his eyes go over me “any other scars besides from crazy shipwrecks and such?” Eric chuckles. I look at him and smile. 

“The other scars aren’t from fun things” I admit to him. 

“Oh, I’m sorry” and then he immediately covers his arm.

“I wasn’t going to hit you” I say laughing “I still haven’t thought about a substitute for the hit though” 

“Yes you did” he says with that lopsided smirk. I look at him and feel a shy smile come up my own face. 

“Maybe” I say coyly “every other scar I have is from after he died” 

“It’s not my place to ask” and he swallows his food “but” 

“What the doctor talked about was a car crash” I say out loud to someone for the first time after it all happened. 

“You got into a car crash?” Eric asks appalled. 

“Friends from my brother's girlfriend ran me off the road” I say, closing my bag of chips. Eric gets up from his seat and stands right before me.

“What the fuck?” he says loudly with big eyes as he looks at me. When I look at him I can barely maintain eye contact. He looks furious. 

“I broke my leg and foot, my collarbone and I was pretty banged up. It was bad” I have no idea why I’m telling him all of this but it just pours out of me “so my parents were trying to juggle me in the hospital, my brother dead, charges coming in, anger directed towards us all from around every corner” and I start to shake my head “then after that I’ve been through three school where I had to leave each time due to the bullying, that’s why I can’t tell them anymore, Eric. Why I asked you and Dylan to lie for me. I want it over for them, so they can focus on all the legal shit they’re still facing” 

Eric is completely silent “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to make you angry or ruin the mood” I say and his fist lands on my arm “Jesus what the fuck” I say looking up at him “have I been hitting you this hard?” 

“No, you were hitting me harder, this was nothing” he says “I’m sorry I hurt you though but, please don’t apologise. I hate it when you do” 

“Well, I hate it as well when you do it” I say to him. 

“You need to really come up with something, or you know. Go with what you suggested in the hospital, that’s fine with me” and a small smile appears on his face. 

“A kiss” I say looking at him. “I do think that’s better, oh my arm hurts” I say rubbing the spot where his fist landed. 

“I’m really sorry” he says as he steps closer to me and takes my place in rubbing my arm. I get up as well and look at him. Quickly I lean closer to his face and give him the smallest kiss on his cheek. He stops rubbing and the smile disappears from his face. Then I sit back down on top of the table again and after a small pause Eric follows beside me. 

“I can’t believe they did that to you,” he tells me “you don’t deserve any of what you got” 

I look at him with a tilted head and start to smile. 

“What?” Eric asks as he looks at me. 

“I think you should let me peek at your chest for hitting me” I say trying to end this conversation.

“Oh my God, Y/n shut up” Eric says laughing “I thought you were going to say something serious” 

“I am serious,” I say sitting up straight and I grab for the zipper of his starters jacket. 

“No” he says pushing my hands off of him “get lost, I’m not letting you peek at my chest” 

“Fine, show me the scar on your leg then” I say teasingly.

“Yes, let me pull my pants down in the middle of the park” and he’s ready to burst out laughing “you want me to get arrested again?” 

“Eric Harris arrested for indecent exposure” I say laughing “see you should let me peek at the chest” 

“I’m bringing you home” he says after getting off of the table “you can no longer function in public” he says laughing.

“You’re breaking my heart, Eric” and I get down from the table as well. I walk up to Eric and his expression changes into one I do not understand but when I playfully grab his zipper in my hand he pulls back.

“Get away from me, crazy woman” Eric says, still laughing. We walk to his car so he can drive me home. It’s a short drive in which we listen to music. When he parks before my house I lower the volume. 

“Listen Eric” and I can’t look at him just yet “thank you so much for today” 

“You don’t have to thank me” and I look up at him. He has a sweet smile on his face. 

“But I do. You’re the first one to be there for me, really be there for me. Driving me to school when my car needs to get fixed, going to appointments in the hospital with me” and I lick my lips, let out a nervous chuckle and continue “and I can talk to you about stupid, heavy shit without breaking into a million pieces because you punch me and make me smile again” 

Eric just looks at me for a moment then he tilts his head “well, it was my pleasure, the punching I mean. I should really do that more often” 

“Oh my God, what he takes out of my words again” I say smiling as I pull my bag up from between my legs. “Besides, we’re not doing the hitting thing anymore” 

“Oh right, it’s been replaced by a kiss” he says to me. 

“Don’t say it like that” I say to him, ready to open my door.

“Say what?” he asks frowning.

“Kiss” I say feeling myself become shy “you’re making it weird” 

“I’m making the word kiss weird?” Eric asks.

“No, you know what I mean, saying it like that makes it weird” I say looking at my bag.

“I’m thinking you’re making it weird” Eric says smiling but when I look up at him I see him averting his eyes. 

“Whatever,” I say opening my door. 

“Whatever” Eric says in a mocking tone. “Just don’t go back to the hitting, I’ve seriously had enough of that” 

“Fine,” I say getting out. I poke my head in his car “bye Eric, see you tomorrow morning and then after school I can finally go get my car” 

“I’m taking it, you need a ride to the garage too, you freeloader” Eric asks. 

“First off all, I’m not a freeloader” and a smirk appears on Eric’s face “and second off all, you know you’re gonna miss me driving to and from school with you” and then I close his door so he can’t hit me with something witty like he always does. 

Eric just smiles and waves at me before I walk into my house. My parents aren’t home and I feel completely drained by the day so I drop everything down in my bedroom and immediately go prepare a hot bath. 

When I lower my body into the hot water I feel the warmth from the outside filling me on the inside. My eyes close and Eric’s smiling face looks at me. All by myself here I feel awful for telling Eric about the car crash. I shouldn’t have shared that with him. But when I make small waves in the water with my hands all I can think about is the way he tried to cheer me up. About how we held hands and the expression on his face after I kissed his cheek. I feel nauseous thinking about it all and it doesn’t take me long before I get out of the tub. 

I’d fall asleep early that night and sleep through the night in one go until my alarm goes off. Ready for the next day. 


	11. This Monday smells like roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies :)
> 
> Here is another chapter, hope you all enjoy it! 
> 
> Please feel free to leave a comment <3

Sitting on Dylan’s bed I pull my legs up a little higher as I try to read my book but I can’t focus. “When I asked to do homework I kinda meant I needed to do homework” I say to their two backs. Eric and Dylan are playing a game before me and it’s getting heated.

“Yeah sorry about that” Dylan says with his eyes still on the screen before him.

“You’re such a liar” I say smiling as I look at the screen “no no to the right, Dylan move” I say but to no avail. Eric already had him. 

“Stop trying to give me away,” Eric says turning around. 

“Yeah, I can do fine on my own, thank you very much” Dylan adds. 

“You’ve been losing the past three rounds, Dylan” I state as I move to place my feet on the floor. 

“Why don’t you show me how it’s done then?” Dylan says holding the controller up. I look at Eric who has a very smug look on his face. 

“Alright” I say getting off of the bed and I squeeze myself between the boys on the floor. “Give me that” and I yank the controller out of Dylan’s hands. Both of them look at me in a different way. Dylan moves to the side and he looks slightly impressed by my attitude. Eric doesn’t move an inch and looks at me with completely different eyes. The game is about to start and Eric pulls his eyes off of me when Dylan gives him an amused smirk followed by a chuckle. 

“Shut up,” Eric says slightly annoyed. 

“I didn't even say anything” I say looking at the screen with offended eyes. 

“No, not you, I was talking to Dylan,” Eric says trying to concentrate on the game. 

“I didn't say anything either” Dylan says laughing. Eric is still distracted and I can see this in the game, so I use that to the best of my abilities and to my great surprise I manage to win this round. 

“Holy shit I won” I say loudly as I let my hands shoot up in the air. When I look at Dylan he starts to clap a couple of times but when I look at Eric I see anything but cheer on his face. I lower my arms and turn to the screen “two out of three?” I ask him. 

“Sure” he says and we make eye contact, he’s still sitting just as closely beside me. I look away and nod my head. So we start round two. It doesn’t take Eric very long to win this round. 

“That’s how you  _ really  _ do it” he says with a smirk.

“Yeah yeah, the next round is the only one that actually counts though” I say sitting up on my knees. Concentrating on the screen before the round starts. When it does Eric and I go head to head from the first second. 

“Shit Reb, looks like you’re losing,” Dylan says, fueling the small fire inside of Eric. 

“Can you shut up?” Eric asks annoyed but not long after he loses. Too busy being happy about my win I miss Eric dropping his controller on the floor, struggling with the fact that he lost. Dylan is quiet now. I get up and hand my controller to Dylan.

“That’s how you do that” I say happy I won. Eric gets up as well and he looks irritated. “Ah come on, don’t be a sore loser” and I boop his nose.

“Can you not, for fucks sake” Eric says pulling his head back with angry eyes and that’s when I realize he really isn’t dealing with it too well. So I stop teasing and get back on the bed to my book. Dylan and I make eye contact as he raises his brows once, giving me a sympathetic smile, showing me he knows about this side of Eric all too well. 

“We should go, since you also need to do homework” Eric says to me. 

“Sure” I say putting my things in my bag before we say bye to Dylan and get in Eric’s car. The atmosphere between us is much colder than usual and I just keep quiet. So does he, all the way to my place. That is where he first starts to talk as we walk up to the front door. 

“Sorry you couldn’t do your homework before, I can help you with it now, if you want?” he says while I open the door.

“Yeah, okay” I say with a smile as we walk in. We take off our jackets and shoes and walk further into my home. I recognise the energy around me and when I walk into the kitchen I see why it feels this way. My mom is crying with my dad next to her. “Oh, Eric is here to help me with homework” I say to them and I turn to Eric and tell him to wait there and not come in. He stops moving all together. 

“Now is not a good time,” my dad says, trying to give me a smile. 

“We can go upstairs and you can let me know if we can come downstairs or we’ll grab some food somewhere or whatever” I say to my dad who nods in approval. I walk back to Eric.

“We’re going straight upstairs,” I tell him.

“Okay” he says as we get up the stairs. When we walk into my room he asks “is everything okay?” 

I turn to look at him and feel the emotions block my throat “no” I say softly before I start to take everything out of my bag. 

“I could go if that’s better” Eric says and again I say “no” and nothing more. For a moment neither of us know what to say. Eric is standing close to my nightstand and I am near my couch. 

“We can sit on my couch and you can quiz me” I propose. He comes walking up to me “alright” and we both sit down. I hand Eric my book and he flips through the pages. 

“I’m sorry” he says looking at a page. 

“About what?” I ask him.

“About the fact that I fucked up the whole mood” he says and then he looks up at me “I don’t know why I can’t stand to lose” 

I smile at him and say “well, creating shitty moods is one of my specialities so on that account I think I can forgive you” 

“Gee thanks” but Eric is smiling now. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable” 

I take a deep breath and lean over to him, planting a small kiss on his cheek. “Stop apologizing” I say as I take the book from his hand to go to the page he has to be on. I hand it back to him and he starts to quiz me immediately. After a little while the mood is completely changed and we’re back to a fun vibe between us again. 

After a while there is a knock on the door and my dad opens it immediately “hey guys” and I can hear that things are really not okay in his voice.

“Hello sir,” 

“Hi dad,” I say getting up from the couch. 

“Just wanted to let you know that I’m going out for a bit, do some groceries and pick up dinner somewhere. Your mom is busy in our room, so you guys can go down stairs, grab yourselves something if you want” my dad says looking at the both of us. 

“Okay, thanks dad” I say with a smile.

“Do you need anything from the store?” he asks me. 

“Beer would be nice” I say jokingly.

“Ha, you’re funny” my dad says before he greets Eric and goes on his way. 

“Don’t joke like that around your parents, please” Eric says to me.

“Relax, I make beer jokes all the time” I say to Eric with a smile and as I walk over to him I say “I wanted to say condoms but I was afraid you’d freak out” 

“What is wrong with you? Beers is bad enough” Eric says, pinching his nose in between his fingers. I sit back down next to him. He looks at me and shakes his head at me. 

“Sorry” I say to him as I look down on the book. Before I know what hits me Eric gives me a kiss on my cheek. But not as flighty as mine have been. “What was that for?” I ask him without looking up from the book. 

“Your stupid apology, it was even more stupid then your jokes are” Eric says making me chuckle. We continue with my homework for a bit but then Eric changes the subject completely.

“It’s Valentine's day this Sunday,” he says.

“Yeah, I know, do you have any plans?” I ask him. 

“No, why? Do you?” he asks me and I look at him with my brows raised, lean back on the couch and start to smile.

“Yeah, the captain of the football team asked me out on a date, we’re going to Hawaii for the weekend” 

“That sounds like fun,” Eric says with a chuckle, but he looks nervous. 

“You look nervous, are you sure you don’t have a date or something?” I ask him but for some reason that idea stings in my stomach. 

“I don’t have a date Y/n,” he says, shaking his head as he starts to pick on his hand. I lean forward to see what it is. Without thinking about it I grab his wrist and hold his hand up.

“What is that, how did that happen?” I ask him looking at a little wound that doesn’t seem to heal. When I look up into his eyes he doesn’t look nervous anymore but he looks a bit sad.

“It’s nothing” he says trying to pull his hand back but I won’t let him.

“You should stop doing what it is that causes this, let it heal up properly” I say with a smile as I let go of his hand. 

“I’m beginning to think I should, sometimes” he says and I have no idea what that means. How deep the meaning really is behind those words.

“Well you should” I say as I sit back on the couch. “Does Dylan have plans?” 

“Not that I know of, why?” Eric asks, frowning. 

“No reason, I thought maybe he’d go do something with Robyn” I ask Eric before I throw my book on my desk. “What is that thing they’re doing in school on Monday?” 

“You mean with the roses?” 

“Yeah” 

“Oh you can buy a rose or several and have them put in lockers of people who have given administration permission to go into their lockers. So it’s sorta anonymous and only the administration would know who gave roses to who” Eric explains.

“Huh, interesting, so basically the people who expect a rose, or want one will leave give their permission in hopes to receive a rose” I say looking at Eric who is nodding his head. 

“It’s stupid” Eric says before he goes on to condemn Valentine’s day all together. Patiently I let him finish his rant.

“Well, you’re right about some things but I still think it’s kinda cute. Imagine opening your locker and a rose falls out. It has a little something to it. It’s cute” I say inspecting my fingernails thoroughly. 

Eric looks at me and is trying to find out how he can ask a question without ruining everything that is so good between us. Never before has he ever been this close to a girl as a friend and felt so comfortable. For once he’s careful instead of just throwing himself into the deep. 

“I think it’s mainly couples buying one for each other” Eric says.

“Maybe, but I mean it doesn't necessarily have to be just couples. It could be about appreciation as well, I guess” I say to Eric “or you know when you like someone and they don’t know yet. All that normal teenage shit” I chuckle as I see Eric’s eyes light up with his smile.

“Yeah, normal teenage shit” he says smiling “anyway, I should go, I have to work after dinner” and he gets up from the couch. 

“Okay” I say getting up with him.

“You don’t have to show me out, I know the way,” Eric says with a chuckle.

“I know but I’m starving” I say as we walk down the stairs. 

“Oh” and if I didn't know better I’d think he was a little let down by that answer. We say bye at the door and since he has to work the weekend we will see each other again on Monday. 

_ Monday morning, February 15th. _

Walking into the administration as early as I can I see there aren’t many people waiting before me. Pulling the hood over my head as far down as I can so no one can see my face, I wait in line to give my permission for the improbability someone wants to leave me a rose. I keep trying to push out the thought that maybe Eric will leave me one. He’s kind to me. So who knows, I sure don’t but there is a little bit of hope in me.

The first period goes by rather quickly and before I know it I’m standing in the smokers pit with Eric and Dylan. 

“Can’t wait for lunch” Dylan says with a smirk on his face. 

“Why?” I ask him as I take a long drag from my smoke.

“So we can see all the disappointed faces of people who were so very sure they’d receive a rose” Dylan says brutally.

“Wow, dude, that’s cold” I say but I can’t help and start to laugh. “It’s true though, there will be so much disappointment” 

“Then there are a few who may have had a little hope and they might actually receive a rose” Dylan continues. 

“True as well” I say to Dylan thinking about my own small hope, not daring to look at Eric right now. “We should head inside,” I say, flicking my cigarette to the floor. 

“Yes we should” Eric says ready to go back in. We go our separate ways and when I pass a group of girls I hear them squealing about how Nigel is surely going to leave Debbie a rose. Laura will receive one from Michael and one of the girls left one for all her friends. My hope sinks down into my shoes and with a lump in my throat I step into the classroom. Missing my old life badly as I go to take a seat in the back of the room. Keeping my eyes on my desk, I try my best to be invisible. I see feet and legs before me and I close my eyes hoping they’re just passing by.

“You’ve been here for months, I can’t believe they just let you stay in school” a slightly chubby hand grabs my book and slides it off the table, ripping a page out as he does. I do not move a muscle, building my invisible wall all around me. Higher and higher. The teacher comes in and I quickly get up from my seat to pick up my book, that’s when a foot pushes me forward and I land on my knees. Laughter erupts around me and it takes everything for me not to run out of the room. But I get through the class and the second the bell rings I ignore the teacher yelling how he dismisses the class and not the bell while I get out of there as fast as I can. It’s still quiet in the hallways and I make my way to the bathroom. Locking myself in a stall, crying. Not because of the book or falling on my knees but for that little piece of hope that I’m starting to feel has no place inside me. 

After having spent some time in my car I see a familiar face wave at me. “Not now Dylan” I say out loud in my silent car. But then he waves me to come his way. “Dammit” I get out of my car and make my way over to Dylan and as I do Eric comes walking up to Dylan as well. 

“I need to borrow your calculus notes,” Dylan says with a strange smile. 

“Mine?” I say to him. 

“Yes,” Dylan says.

“But Eric’s better at calculus than I am” I tell him.

“His handwriting is shit, yours isn’t” Dylan reasons. I look at Eric who keeps quiet, which strikes me as odd. Eric is never quiet when someone dogs him down, even as a joke. 

“But they’re in my locker and I feel like being antisocial” I say to Dylan.

“Too bad, you can be antisocial after you give me the notes” Dylan insists. 

“I hate you” I say as I make my way into the school.

“No you don’t” Dylan says with a chuckle. 

“No I don’t” I say as I head over to the lockers “oh shit, it’s happening” 

“It sure is” Dylan says looking at Eric, who tells him not to look at him with gestures and no words. I miss it all, looking around me at the faces of people who pull out one rose or sometimes more out of their lockers. When we’re next to my locker, Dylan is standing on the right side of my locker and Eric on the left. Both of them are looking at me.

“Why are you two looking at me like that?” I ask them.

“No reason, just get me the notes” Dylan says, hurrying me along. Eric is still quiet. 

“You’re quiet today” I say to Eric as I turn to my last digit. 

“Yeah Eric, why are you so quiet?” Dylan asks. 

“Shut up,” Eric says and then I open my locker. 

“What” I exclaim as I look at my locker which is stuffed with roses. Beautiful red roses. Some even fall out and I catch them just before they fall on the floor. My eyes are glued on the roses in my locker.

“Happy Valentine's day” Eric says softly and I turn to look at him. 

“You did this?” I ask, a lot more defensive than I intended. 

“Bye” Dylan says as he turns around immediately.

“Where are you going, the notes?” I say and Dylan raises his hand and waves. “Was that an excuse, did you do this?” I ask Eric.

“Yes,” he says looking very insecure and my facial expression seems to alarm him “I, just you know” and he rubs the back of his neck with a nervous smile on his face “are you angry?”

My eyes go back to my locker which is filled up completely with red roses “I’m not angry” I state shaking my head no. “Why did you do this?” and I have no idea which answer I’d prefer. 

“Oh” Eric seems to panic a bit “as friends, yeah as friends” he says as if he just decided on that answer. “You know, I like our friendship so I thought, you know, why not” 

Judging by the painful stabs in my gut that was not the answer I hoped for. “As friends” I say with a smile. 

“Friends” Eric repeats with a smile on his face. 

“Well, since it’s Valentine’s day uhm” and my brain is running a marathon on thoughts and I have no idea on which thought I should focus. But I take a step forward and probably without any thought I place both my hands on Eric’s shoulders and I pull him towards me as I get on my toes. I kiss his lips. Eric’s eyes are huge when I pull back. “Happy Valentine’s day, Eric” 

He smiles and then looks down on the floor, when he looks back up his cheeks are royally red. “As friends I assume?” 

“Yeah, friends” I say way too fast “thank you so much for the roses, they are so many” and I look back in my locker as I suck in my lips, secretly trying to keep his taste on my lips. 

“Thank you for” and he stops talking so I turn to face him “the uhm” and Eric shies away with his eyes. 

“Kiss” I say smiling as I watch his cheeks burn crimson.

He licks his lips, like he does so often and nods his head “yeah” he says looking at me. 

“You’re welcome” I say to him “want to help me take the roses out so I can put them in without half of them being squashed” 

“Sure” he says and I start to hand him the roses. 

“They’re so many of them” I say to him as I hand him three more “wasn’t this expensive?” 

Eric looks at me and starts to shake his head “they were practically free, you think I’m wasting money on you?” he says teasingly.

“Wasting money on me” I repeat with a smile on my face “you really are sweet aren’t you” Eric just chuckles. I rearrange my locker so I can fit them a little better “I should have known Dylan didn't want my calculus notes”

“Yeah what did he say about my handwriting?” Eric says returning to his normal self, making me chuckle.

“I don’t wanna provoke anything but he said your handwriting was the worst he had ever seen in his life” I say to Eric as I hold the last of the roses in my hand.

“No he didn't, he just said it was shit” Eric then says with a crinkled nose. 

“If you know then why do you ask?” and I hold the rose up to my nose “they smell amazing” and I hold the rose up before Eric’s nose. He touches the rose with the tip of his nose before he agrees with me. Placing it in my locker I close it back up. Looking around me I see all these happy people and I lose myself in my train of thoughts.

“Y/n?” Eric says and when I still don’t respond he waves his hand before my face.

“Sorry” I say looking at him “what did you say?” 

“Nothing” he says with a small smile “are you going back to your car?” 

A part of me that’s fluttering through my stomach wants to say no and stay with him but a much bigger part still needs the alone time. “Yeah, but do you want to meet up after school?” the flutters increase when he answers. 

“Sure, do you have anything in mind that you want to do?” 

“Uhm, do you want to watch a movie?” I ask him. 

“If that’s what you want then sure” he says with a smile “I have to go this way, so I’ll meet you at the cars?” 

“Yeah, see ya then” I say as I wave at him. 

“See you later” he says and for a short moment we just look at each other without moving, that is until my legs spark themselves in action and I go about the rest of the school day without Eric next to me but with him on my mind constantly. 

I see him waiting next to his car with his hands in his pockets when the school day is finally over. A smile spreads on my face as I clutch onto the roses in my arm while I walk over there. Eric pulls his hands out of his pockets and goes over to my car. 

“Need a little help with those?” he asks, looking a bit proud as he points at the roses. 

“Yes please, some weirdo left me these in my locker” and I hand him my car keys, Eric opens my door for me. “Thank you” I place my knee on my seat and drop the roses on the passenger seat. Sitting down on my seat I see Eric looking away rather fast before he hands me my key and he walks to his car. 

“See you at your place” 

“Yep” I say as I start my car and watch him get into his. Then I drive my way out of the parking lot and make my way home. Eric drives behind me the whole time. When I get out of my car Eric meets me on the passenger side of my car.

“Could you drive any slower? 

“Not going over the speed limit is not slow, Eric” I say, opening the door.

“Yeah whatever” he says as I hand him about half of the roses while I take the other half. Walking into my home I find my mom in the kitchen, her eyes light up as she sees me holding the roses.

“Those look wonderful” she says, immediately grabbing me a vase. 

“Yes they are but we need a bigger vase, this is only half of them” I say happily.

“Half of them, where is the rest?” 

“Over here” Eric says walking in. 

“Hello Eric” my mom says kindly.

“Hi ma’am” he says just as kindly. 

“Who did you get them from? From you, Eric?” my mom asks with a small smile.

“Yes, from him” I say, putting them in the vase.

“No, no let me cut the stem first, that way they will last longer” my mom says.

“Okay” I say to her as I step away from the flowers. Eric places them on the counter as well.

“They are lovely, that’s sweet of you Eric” my mom says looking at him. I tell her about the locker thing and I emphasize the stupid fact that it was just a friendly gesture and nothing more. We have a sandwich down stairs before we go up to my room to watch a movie. 

“So what are we watching?” Eric asks as his eyes go over my bookshelves. 

“It’s Valentine’s day so maybe it’s time to introduce you to Meet Joe Black” I tease him. Eric looks at me with kindness radiating from his eyes. 

“Alright, yeah why not” he says, surprising me.

“You’re kidding? You’d watch such a romantic movie with me?” I ask him, a little dazed. He seems to search for the appropriate answer but after a short hesitation he says.

“It’s Valentine’s day and it’s one of your favorites, so why not?” he places his hands on his hips as he looks at me. “I mean, this is a one time offer, take it or leave it” that lopsided smirk is starting to stir up things inside of me. 

“If I put that movie in, you’ll have to sit through it, start to finish” I say in my best attempt to keep this change of atmosphere just a tad breezy. Both of us still convinced it’s all in our own head, the change that is. 

“Yeah you’re right, I can’t handle that” he says with a chuckle. “Better watch something  _ good _ ” 

“Oh please, one day I will force you to sit through it and you’ll see that even though no prostitutes catch on fire or anything else ridiculous like that, it is the  _ best _ movie ever” I say as I put in the movie.

“Prostitutes catching fire, what the hell goes on in your head?” Eric asks perplexed as he walks over to the couch to sit down in the right corner of it. 

“I stopped trying to figure that out a while ago” I say as I go to sit next to him, in the left corner of the couch. “I just bought this, since you mentioned it a couple of times” I say pressing play on my remote control.

“You bought a movie, because I mentioned it?” Eric asks, surprised. Thinking nothing of it, I start the movie.

“Yeah” and then I turn my head to see the surprise in his eyes “don’t look so weird, you bought me 30 roses” 

“But you bought a movie because I’ve talked about it, that’s kinda awesome. Wait, you counted them?” Eric says all in one breath.

“No, it was a lucky guess” I lie to him as I look at the screen “besides the roses are awesome too” and the movie begins.

“Reservoir dogs, hell yeah” Eric says excitedly, I glance over at him from the corner of my eyes. We watch the movie and all feels good, like it has for a while now. I’m glad he pushed his way through my wall and that he dragged Dylan with him. 

A question has been bothering me all day and even though I feel stupid I still ask him “Eric why didn't you have a date yesterday or today?” 

“What?” Eric asks “I don’t know, why do you ask?” 

“Just, no reason” and I change my position a bit so I’m facing him. “I see you around a lot of different girls, that one pretty blond for instance. Just figured maybe you” but I can’t bring myself to say how perhaps he’s interested in one of them.

“They’re friends” he says softly “none of them are interested in me like that, they never are” and he scoffs. 

“Why not?” I blurt out “shit, sorry, none of my business”

“It really isn’t” he says unamused. 

“I’m sorry” I say again.

“Stop apologizing, I don’t want to touch you again with my lips” pretending to be disgusted he pulls a face that looks hilarious.

“Asshole” I say laughing and then there is a knock on my door and it’s my mom, holding the flowers up in a vase. 

“Just figured you’d like these in your room” and I adore the smile on her face, I know how much she loves flowers. 

“Ah we could have kept them down stairs so you can enjoy them as well mom” I say walking over to her. She closes her vest tightly around her, trying to block out everything. 

“No, these are yours, put them on your desk, they will look lovely” she smiles at us and pulls the door closed behind her again. I place them on my desk but can’t resist feeling the soft petals under my fingers.

“I love them” I say more to myself than anyone else. I walk back to the couch and say “I’m really sorry though I didn't mean to pry like that, I hate it when people do that, I don’t know why I asked” 

“You’re doing this on purpose” Eric says teasingly.

“What?” as I sit down Eric comes closer and kisses my cheek, softly but slightly lingering, like he’s trying to pick up my scent and store it in his brain forever. “Oh” I say sitting back with a small smile “I really didn't do that on purpose” Eric smiles at me.

“Yes you did” he says before getting more comfortable on the couch.

“For your information, Mr Harris, the kiss was supposed to be instead of me hitting you, you never hit me if I apologised, so perhaps you’re doing it on purpose” I say pressing play.

“Yeah you wish” Eric chuckles and I look at him but our eyes connect just a little longer. Eric turns to look at the tv and I do the same. The rest of the movie we watch in silence aside from the occasional grunt coming from Eric when he agrees or does not with something that happens. 

When it’s finished I rewind the video tape and Eric gets up from the couch and he goes over to my cabinet that holds board games and other things I hardly use. 

“Twister?” he asks, looking appalled. 

“Yes, I love Twister” I say smiling. 

“You’re joking, right?” 

“No, we should play it some day” and I start to laugh as I imagine Eric in the weirdest Twister poses.

“Hell no” Eric says adamantly.

“Come on dude, Dylan should play too” and now I’m laughing. Eric starts to laugh as well. 

“Dylan playing Twister” and we both laugh because neither of us can imagine lanky Dylan on the Twister field. 

“He totally should, he can just throw his leg over either one of us and reach the other side, no effort” I say, still laughing.

“He’s not throwing his leg anywhere near me, definitely not over me” Eric says offended I’d even say something like that.

“Oh please, I’m not talking about playing it naked”

“Jesus, there she goes again” but he can’t hide the smile on his face.

“But, speaking of naked” and I get up and walk over to Eric. “Show me” 

“Excuse me?” he asks wide-eyed.

“Show me” and I wiggle my eyebrows, letting my eyes drop to his chest.

“Aaaand I’m going home” he says pushing Twister back into the cabinet.

“Oh come on” I say loudly. He shushes me. 

“Shut up, see I’m starting to think I liked you better all closed off” he says blocking his body with his hands. 

“What is that?” and I repeat what he did with his hands only with robot sounds “a dance?” 

“No, I was visualizing the blocking with my hands” but he sighs loudly. I’m laughing though and after a moment he is too.

“That was a lie though” I say, feeling myself become a bit more shy.

“What was?” he asks, putting his hands in his pockets.

“That you liked me better closed off” and I fold my arms before my chest.

“Yeah” he chuckles “what wasn’t a lie is that I’m going home” and he walks to the door. My roses catch my eye. 

“Eric” I say as I take a rose out of the vase “take this one” 

“No, they’re all for you,” he says shaking his head.

“You have to take one,” I order him.

“Absolutely not, they’re all yours” and he opens the door “see you tomorrow” he says used to seeing himself out.

“Bye Eric” I say and he closes the door. I open my door and listen to the door open down stairs.

“Goodbye ma’am” Eric says to my mom.

“Bye Eric, drive safely” she says back and he’s out the door. Then I pick the rose up and run downstairs. Hiding it behind my back as I walk to his car. He squints his eyes as he looks at me. I tap on his window and he opens it. 

“Thank you for everything” I say, he has a smile on his face. Then as he rolls his window back up I throw in the flower at the last moment. It lands in his lap and he looks at it and then up to me. I shrug and go back inside. When I turn around to look at him, I catch him looking at the rose with a huge smile on his face. 

This would be the first day I recognise my feelings for Eric for what they truly are. Writing about it in my diary even. Making it real if only for myself. I have no false ideas in my head where I pretend we will ever be anything but friends. However, it makes falling asleep a lot easier that night. 


	12. The coat rack and the toddler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii :)
> 
> Here is a new chapter !! Sorry to keep everybody waiting, life is getting in the way of my writing! 
> 
> Hope you all like it, let me know <3

Hiding underneath the soundtable I clutch onto my legs. Trying to push out the painful words as best as I can.  _ He blew his whole face off _ the awful laughter with which they yelled at me breaks my heart again.  _ I heard he raped her before he killed her, the mom too _ they lied. Then the biggest guy jammed his elbow in my ribs causing me to crash into the lockers.  _ Watch out, the ghost of her brother will fuck you up _ the other guy laughed as I crawled back up on my feet.  _ Let him come, I’ll give him a show, he can watch me _ and the suggestive way he used his hands made me fear for myself. Finally, in the first opportunity I ran away from them  _ you can run but you can’t hide _ again laughter erupts from the group of awful bullies. 

Placing my hands over my ears, as tight as I can, hoping that will shut out the voices, I try to reason with myself. But it’s useless, I feel overcome by anger and hurt. 

Not even as much as a knock on the door sounds before it flies open. Dylan steps in and I can’t even look at him. “She’s here Reb” he says to his friend who was probably looking for me since I didn't meet up with him by his car, like I was supposed to. Eric walks in past Dylan and his facial expression changes immediately. He approaches me slowly and crouches down next to me.

“Y/n, what happened” he asks but I start to shake my head “come on, talk to me” he says trying to make any sort of contact with me. Feeling my side hurt I do get out from underneath the table. 

“Who did this?” Dylan asks coolly. I look up at him and just shake my head again. “Do you want us to go?” he asks leaning against the wall with one shoulder. I think about it for a second and then faintly shake my head no.

“Alright” Eric says getting upright again and my eyes follow him. He bends forward a bit and extends his hand to me, wanting to help me up on my own feet. I want to stay curled up on the floor here, holding onto my own knees but somehow my hand has other plans because I reach out to his. Allowing him to pull me up. Standing upright, Eric does not immediately let go of my hand.

“I’m starving, I’m going to get lunch” Dylan says walking to the door “and I’m getting you lunch too, you better eat it, don’t waste my money” Dylan says as we make eye contact before he leaves out the door.

“Yeah I can eat” Eric yells out after him and he starts to chuckle but when he turns his head to face me the smile slides off. “Y/n” he says.

“I’m fine,” a hoarse, sad version of my voice tells him. His head tilts to the left and his expression is almost comical.

“Right, you’re fine” he says with eyes that go right through me. 

“Eric, I” 

“Don’t want to talk about it” he finishes the sentence with a small smile. 

“That’s not what I wanted to say” I inform him “I wanted to say that I was on my way over to you when they blocked my path”

“Who and what did they do?” he asks, not taking his eyes off of me. 

“I don’t know who but they were big boys” and I choke up again “they scared me” I say, feeling the desperation flow through me. I let my head drop down. 

“Jesus, you look scared” Eric says, placing his hand on my arm. I nod yes and without thinking twice I walk up to him, his arms open to welcome me in and I place my head on his shoulder, looking at the wall next to me. Eric’s arms close around me and the warmth from his body gives me that feeling of safety. It takes a moment for my hands to go up and hold his back but when they do he squeezes on me for a moment. His face in the back of my neck. So close to me I can feel his breath hitting my skin. It’s a soothing feeling. Tears sting in my eyes yet again and I press my eyes down on his shoulder. One of his hands starts to rub up and down on my back “it’s okay” he says softly. It’s not, but I won’t tell him. 

“Yeah” I say to his chest before I pull back “thank you” 

“Don’t mention it” he tells me before he too takes a step back. 

“I don’t think I can muster up enough strength to go to your place today” I say to him with my eyes still on the floor. 

“That’s fine, do you still wanna hang out together though?” he asks and my eyes then move up and I see a sweet smile form on his face.

“Yeah” and I smile back at him “but I’m going home after Dylan returns, I’m not staying” 

“I can come to you later?” he asks.

“I’d like that” as I say so his smile becomes a lot bigger. We wait for Dylan to return with the food and I force myself to eat what he bought me. I thank them both and make my way out of the soundbooth.  _ Let him come, I’ll give him a show, he can watch me _ . The words hit me right in the face and I want to go back into the soundbooth but through the crack of the open door I hear Eric and Dylan talk and can’t help listen for a bit.

“I don’t know what to say to that, V. You’ve seen her, seen what it all does to her. It’s fucking brutal, I don’t know if I can” and Eric stops, looking at the door. 

Quickly I open the door and step back in, hoping they won’t think I was listening to them. 

“Y/n” Dylan says with big eyes that shoot over to Eric. 

“Are you okay?” Eric asks in a strange voice.

“Yes, well no” I say to Eric “I was gonna come in and ask for help, like a toddler” I feel so self conscious right now and what did Eric mean? Dylan and Eric share a look and Dylan walks past me, placing his hand on my shoulder. 

“Eric is better with the toddler in you” he says with a small smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” 

“Yeah” I say knowing Dylan rather distances himself in these moments “thanks for the food, Dylan” 

“No problem” he says walking out. Then I look at Eric and I start to shake my head.

“I fucking hate this, Eric” I admit to him “I’m scared to walk out of here alone, I’m such a loser” 

“Don’t say that” he says with his hand in the air “God, I hate it when you say shit like that” and he comes walking closer to me. “You know I don’t mind being there for you” 

I nod my head and let Eric walk out of the room. Walking up behind him I take the bottom of his shirt in my hand but this time Eric has other plans. He looks at me “no, don’t do that” and I pull my hand back immediately, scared he hates it. “Here” and he takes my hand in his “this is better” he says looking at me. I feel so grateful for him. I nod yes and without a word does he continue walking. Holding my hand tightly in his. When we walk by the spot it all happened I squeeze his hand and he laces our fingers together. Again, without words. Without making it awkward. Without judging me. Walking the halls, holding Eric’s hand I feel more than just relief for his help. My eyes keep wandering off to his face and when his eyes find mine, he smiles and gives another small squeeze to my hand. Once we’re outside I feel like I can breath again, the weight drops off my shoulders, for a brief moment. Coming up to my car we are still holding hands. My heart is pounding in my chest and I hate having to let go of his hand. 

“I’ll come to your place later,” he says smiling.

“Yeah” I say with a small smile but I feel so stupid “I’m so sorry for all of this, that one guy” but I stop talking when Eric gives me a kiss on my cheek. “Okay” I say with a small smile, unable to look at him.

“No apologies” Eric says smiling “tell me about this guy later, if you want, but don’t apologise” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry, wait” but he gives me another kiss.

“Now you’re just playing,” he says with a chuckle.

“Shit no, the apology left my mouth before I could think” I start but Eric’s nodding his head.

“Yeah yeah, you keep telling yourself that” he jokes with me, helping to lighten up my mood before I go.

“Stop” I say as I pull my hand back. 

Very overdone Eric says “Okay, I’m sorry” with big eyes, obviously playing here.

“No, I’m not kissing you this time, you’re just asking for it” I say smiling wide. Hating the fact that I cheated myself out of a chance to kiss him by saying so.

“Dammit, didn't work” Eric says laughing “I’ll see you in a bit” he says walking backwards as he waves at me.

“Yeah” I say getting in my car, ready to drown my tears in the tub. When Eric turns around my mind jumps right back to his words to Dylan. I wonder what that was all about. But I don’t want to linger in the parking lot so I go home and lay in the tub for as long as I can. 

Walking down the stairs after my bath I hear my parents talk and when I come into the living room they stop talking. That’s never a good sign. “What?” I ask them as I sit down on the couch. 

“We were talking about you and Eric” dad tells me.

“Me and Eric? What about us?” I ask him, frowning. 

“Eric is slowly turning into a piece of furniture” my mom says with a small smile. I sit back and instantly cross my arms, fearing the worst. 

“He is a good friend,” I say to both of them “and you have met his parents” 

“Yes, and that is exactly the reason for why we had this conversation” my dad tells me. 

“Just tell me what it was about” I ask them.

“Your mother and I have decided that if you think it’s a good idea and feel safe with it, that Eric can have more liberties here” dad tells me.

“What does that mean?” I ask him.

“It means that your mother and I have an appointment in a bit and we think that Eric can still come, even though we’re not home for a while” dad explains.

“Oh” I say surprised they’d allow this “but all the rules” 

“Well, it’s been going well in Columbine, no horrible bullying and you two are such good friends that we thought maybe we give you a little more space” mom then says, making my heart hurt. 

“Right” I say with a smile “well that’s great, I really do like Eric and I trust him” I shrug my shoulders. 

“Don’t make me regret this” my mom says pointing her finger at me “no alcohol”

“Mom, that happened once and was months ago already” I say but I start to laugh as I think back about that day.

“You’re laughing, that hardly makes me feel better” mom says and I start to wave my arms.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m just laughing because of how stupid that was” and I shake my head.

“It was, no more jokes” my dad says and I force myself to stop laughing but that makes him laugh as well. My mom joins as well and for a moment it’s just us laughing over something silly. But it’s my mom that gets hit with realisation first and her hand goes up to her mouth. She’s still ashamed of the small windows of relief. My dad places his arm around her and kisses the side of her head. The moment is over. 

“We should go get ready” my father tells my mom in a soft voice. She nods her head and gets up without another word. I’m left on the couch, feeling miserable for causing this.

“I’m sorry dad, tell her I’m sorry” I say as I sink down on the couch. My father just looks at me with sad eyes before he too gets up. Flat on my back I look at the ceiling and think about how Eric held me in the soundbooth and I can’t help but want to be back in his arms again. I scoff at my thoughts and quickly get up from the couch. My parents leave and I start to do my homework on the kitchen table, waiting for Eric to come. 

When the doorbell rings I get up and walk over to the front door “who is it?” I ask right before it. 

“Eric Harris” he says, making me chuckle. 

“Eric Harris, come in” I say smiling.

“Shit, you sounded like your mom” he says stepping in, immediately opening his starter jacket. 

“They’re not home” I say to him.

“Oh” he says letting his hands fall down from his zipper “should I go?” 

“No, apparently they decided to trust you” and I turn back around to walk back in. Behind me I hear little to no noise. When Eric follows in I see the uncertainty in his face.

“They said that?” he asks as I take my seat on the couch. Eric comes to sit next to me. 

“Yeah, they say that since it’s all going so great in school and we’re spending so much time together that perhaps they should give you a chance” I say to him with a small smile.

“Shit” he says looking at his legs, his hands folded together “are you okay with me being here without them?” 

“No” I say dead seriously. He looks at me, finds the sarcasm in my eyes and chuckles. “I hate it when I can’t get a grip on my shit like today” I blurt out to Eric.

“You mean hiding in the soundbooth?” he asks. 

“Well no not really. I guess I’ve found peace in hiding and bawling my eyes out” I say rolling my eyes at how stupid that sounds. “I mean being afraid to walk the halls alone after something happens” 

“But that doesn’t always happen” Eric notes “what happened?” 

I pull my legs up and hold them with my arms. “They were saying horrible shit about my brother” and I place my head on my knees, looking at Eric. “But he scared me when he said he’d” and I feel my throat close up. 

“It’s okay you don’t have to tell me” Eric says friendly. 

“I’m not sure if I should apologise or not, better not risk it” I say looking at him from underneath my eyelids. He smiles. 

“You don’t need to apologise” he says more seriously than anything. 

“My mom called you furniture” I say letting my feet drop down to the ground again.

“Furniture?” he asks, chuckling.

“Yeah because you’re around so much” 

“Oh, is that a bad thing?” he asks uncertainly.

“No, I’m just trying to figure out what you are,” I say as I get up to get us a drink.

“What I am?” he asks, turning around, hanging his elbow over the back of the couch.

“Yeah, table, chair, lamp I don’t know. Haven’t figured it out yet” I say walking back with two cokes.

“Oh come on” he says with squinted eyes.

“What? I think you would be like a chair or something” I say to Eric who has a smirk on his face. 

“A chair, well in that case” and he smacks his hands on his knees “feel free to sit down” 

“Oh my God” I say before sitting down next to him pretending to be disgusted.

“Damn, well if you’re not even gonna use me the correct way I don’t wanna be a chair” a hilarious conversation about furniture follows. 

“Okay, fine you’re not a crocheted doily” 

“It’s not even furniture” Eric passionately says a little too loud. 

“But it’s always on furniture so it’s the same thing” I say to him “but I got it, you have some major coat rack vibes going on, you know the standing one” I say placing my hand before my mouth laughing.

“Oh ha ha” he says with a straight face “cause I’m so skinny” 

“What?” I say, now sitting on my knees on the couch “no, fuck, Eric” and I pull a pout “I’d never make fun of you or joke about things” 

Eric’s brows rise up a little “my bad” he says with a chuckle.

“Can’t believe you’d think I’d say something like that” 

“I’m sorry” he says sitting up straight.

“Oh for crying out loud” I say as I lean into him to place a kiss on his cheek. He turns his face rather quickly so his nose almost touches mine before I sink back into the couch, probably looking shocked because he says. 

“Do I apologise for that or not?” he asks nervously.

“Nah, no need” I say with a smile “Eric are you sure you don’t mind me asking for your help so much?” 

He looks at me and licks his lips “oh I’m sure, believe me” and he shies away after that. I’m in doubt whether I should ask him about what he said to Dylan but there is a little voice inside of me giving me a million reasons not to. I’m going to ignore the voice.

“I overheard you saying something to Dylan before I came back in the soundbooth” I start.

“What did you hear?” he asks, licking his lips again. He’s nervous.

“Something about you not knowing what to say to him. And that you see what it all does to me and that you’re unsure you can do something” I say to him “it’s a little vague what I’m saying but that’s about all I heard and I wonder what it is that you can’t do. If I’m too much or whatever please be honest with me” 

“No that’s not it at all, it was about something private between V and me” Eric thinks for a bit and then looks up at me “I see how you’re being hurt on a daily basis and it’s uhm” he chuckles.

“It’s what?” I ask him.

“It hurts me, okay. I feel awful when people hurt you” he says looking at his hands. He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and starts picking on that same spot again. For some reason I feel compelled to lean my head on his shoulder. I do so and Eric tenses up completely as I do. I slap on his hands once. 

“Let that heal” I say with a chuckle, trying to swallow my nerves down. 

“I’m beginning to want that more and more” he says cryptically and if I knew what that really meant it would turn my life upside down. 

“Eric, you’re such a big part of why I can get up and go to school” I confide in him but I fear it’s too much so I add “and Dylan as well, of course” 

After a tension filled silence Eric says “I think that’s the sweetest thing someone has ever said to me” and he turns his head and looks at me. I move my head a little and smile at him. Feeling self conscious I move my head off his shoulder.

“Well then you’ve been surrounded by the wrong people” I say trying to keep myself grounded and not lose myself in my feelings for him. 

“Something like that,” he says grabbing his drink from the table. 

“Thank you for being my best friend” I say to Eric, he looks at me and gives me a big smile.

“Thank you for being mine,” he says.

“I’m your best friend?” I ask him, surprised by the fact.

“Yeah, one of the two” he tells me and our eye contact is melting me on the inside and I’m desperately trying to hide it. Then the front door opens and even though nothing is happening, we both sit back and create just a tad more space between us. 

“That’s awesome, I didn't expect that” I say to him right before my parents walk in. Turning to them I give them a hearty smile “hey dad, mom” and my mom walks up to me and gives me a hug “don’t ever apologise for making me smile” she whispers before she kisses my head. “Okay” I say softly while looking up at her. Turning to Eric I ask him “wanna go upstairs?” 

“Sure” he says getting up from the couch. My mom smiles at us and we go upstairs. 

“Hey Eric wanna see me in my new bikini” I yell out as we walk up the stairs. 

“Y/n” he shrieks and in the living room my parents are softly laughing. I turn around and whisper “sorry” while sticking out my tongue at him. I miss him licking his lips as he watches me run up the rest of the stairs. “Can you please stop making jokes like that” 

“I already apologised” 

“Yeah and no kiss cause that apology was necessary” he says walking in my room. I drop myself on my bed, belly down and Eric takes place on the couch. Like we’ve been sitting so many times. I look at him and can’t help but smile. 

“Wanna hear something funny?” I ask him. 

“No,” he says laughing. 

“Too bad” I say and continue right after “my mom just gave me a kiss for an unnecessary apology” 

“Oh, so you do that with everyone?” 

“Well no, that’s why it’s so funny” but Eric doesn’t seem to get my point. “Never mind” I say placing my head on my bed, looking at my roses “they’re still so pretty” 

“Definitely” Eric says but when I look at him I see he’s not looking at the roses but at me, making my stomach ache for the meaning to be what I so desperately want it to be.

“I feel better than I thought I would” I say to him “would you like to go to your place or Dylan’s?” and I’m leaning my head on my hands. 

Eric shakes his head “no, I’m good here” and he too leans his face on his arm. 

“Okay” I say feeling my cheeks burn, when I look down on my bed I realize something “did I tell you that I’m getting a game console, so we can play” 

“No you didn't, tell me how that happened?” he asks and I sit up straight and tell him all about how my parents allowed me to get one. Eric listens with great care and so we roll into a conversation that would end up lasting forever, well until dinner that is. I walk down with Eric to see him out the door this time. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say to Eric. He looks at me a little funny before he takes a step closer. 

“Yeah” and he places his arm around my shoulder for a quick hug. Catching as much of his scent as I can before I pull back. 

“Goodnight, Eric” I say with a smile as he walks to his car. 

“You too” and he opens his door but stops himself from getting in “and no more of that I’m a loser crap when you need my help” and he looks at the kitchen window adding “with homework and stuff” just to be sure. 

“Right, I’ll try and remember that,” I say.

“You better, you know what happens when you apologise” and he starts to laugh as he gets in his car. I watch him drive off and that tiny spark of hope makes an appearance again.


	13. Blame it on Tequila?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello :)
> 
> My updates are slow and million years apart, I am so sorry!   
> Life is busy and I am incredibly tired lately, please forgive me ;)
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading <3

Today was a bad day. Not for me but for Eric. He didn't even say goodbye before he left school. Dylan told me he got humiliated during gym class and I’ve felt like shit ever since. Because I want to be there for him and feel unsure if I should call him or not but mostly because I care so much about him. 

Puffing out an annoyed breath I look at myself in the mirror after a hot bath. Everytime that Eric holds my hand through the halls in school I get crushed by the realisation that I am deeply in love with him. It’s not a crush, or just liking him as a friend. Nope, I am in love with Eric and I’m completely fucked. It makes it impossible to breathe when I look at him. I can’t eat and I never thought it was possible but I sleep even worse than before. 

Drying myself down I keep thinking about how Dylan looked when he told me how awful it was. He didn't tell me what happened, just that it was bad. Columbine is shaping up to be one of the worst schools I’ve been to, after it all happened. Finally dried and in my clothes again I decided to call him. We call almost every night so why shouldn’t I call tonight? 

Crossing my legs underneath me I listen to the phone dialing his number. After a few rings he answers, he sounds awful.

“Hello this is Eric” his voice sounds tired and flat. 

“Hi, it’s me,” I say, trying to sound upbeat while I feel like a loser at how happy his voice makes me. Even though he sounds this bad.

“Hey Y/n, I wanted to call you but was afraid it would be too late now” he tells me.

“No, it’s fine, my parents are asleep so” I say to him. 

“Okay, listen, I’m sorry I didn't say anything to you and just walked past you and Dylan before I left” and he hesitates “it was a shit day and I just wanted to get out of there” 

“You don’t have to apologise, seriously, do I have to sneak into your room and give you the great punishment for bogus apologies?” I say feeling absolutely ridiculous, who says something like that? Rolling my eyes and soundlessly smacking my forehead as I lay down on my bed I promise myself not to sound so stupid anymore.

“Yes, that is exactly what you should do” he says with a small chuckle “and then I can show you my stash” 

“Right, your underground army like stash” I say smiling. 

“Yeah, that one” silence falls between us for a moment after his chuckle dies down. “Thank you,” Eric then says to me.

“For what?” I am unsure of what he means.

“For making me laugh” he says, making my heart skip a beat.

“You’re welcome” 

“But seriously, you should totally sneak in” he jokes and we go on to talk about how I’d best make my way into his place without waking anyone up and we have a lot of fun imagining this. 

“Are your parents asleep?” I ask him with my brain making overtime. 

“Yeah for hours by now” he says to me.

“Mine too,” I tell him.

“Yeah, I know. You told me” Eric says.

“Oh yeah, I knew that” I say with a chuckle “anyway, I should hang up now, I’ve got a room to sneak into” 

“Right” he says laughing “I’m still watching a movie and then I’m gonna sleep as well” 

“Goodnight Eric” I say as I get up on my two feet. 

“Sweet dreams, Y/n, thank you for calling” Eric tells me.

“No problem” I say before I hang up. Ready to jump in my black jeans and sweater. Feeling very defiant to all the rules and determined to make him smile even harder. I get out of the house without much sound and drive my way over to Eric. I park just a bit before the cul-de-sac he lives in and walk the last bit. When I reach his place the big, blue house looks extremely dark and uninviting. One last look around me before I make my way around the house. Ready to tap on his little window as loud as I dare. No response, so I tap just a bit louder. Nothing. Maybe he fell asleep? One last try. I take one of the little white pebbles in my hand that’s everywhere on the ground here and use that to tap on the window. Surely not a second later the little curtain before that window opens and there he stands. 

Eric’s eyes are huge and look almost terrified. I see him saying my name and hear the muffled sound that must have come with it. “Open the window” I say softly but over pronouncing the words. This seems to spark him back into action and he quickly opens the window for me.

“Have you lost your mind?” he asks me as I try to make my way in.

“Okay, first things first, let me get in before you scold me, it’s cold outside” I say to him as I make myself as tiny as I can to get in. Once I’m in, Eric closes the window immediately. He’s wearing the sweats he gave me that one horrendous day and a plain tshirt. He looks at me when he’s done.

“You just seriously snuck into my room” he states. I start to smile widely.

“Yes I did” 

“That’s why you asked if my parents were asleep” he says, his own smile growing wider as well. 

“Yep” and now we’re both grinning like idiots “but don’t be fooled I’m only here for two things” and I step closer to him and kiss his cheek “no bogus apologies and for the stash” 

Eric’s fingers raise to his cheek this time and it gives me a warm feeling deep inside my stomach. “Right, the stash” he smiles and reopens the window. I watch him carefully take out a bottle of tequila before he comes back in and closes the window again. “Tequila” he states.

“Tequila” I repeat “but not too much because I have to drive” 

“Sure, not too much,” he says smiling. 

We walk over to his bed and sit down while we pass the bottle between us a few times to take a sip. “Tequila is disgusting” I say looking at Eric, who has a smirk on his face “but it’s so good” I add with a chuckle.

“Yeah, I’m not much of a drinker really” he tells me as he takes another sip, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. I see the little glistening on his hand from the liquid. I’m thinking about something to say but it turns out Eric has enough to say for the both of us when he starts “they keep making fun of how weak I am and shit” he says looking down at the floor. “I can never win, even when I win” and he looks at me now. I feel the sadness in both our eyes. Eric shakes his head and continues in a much smaller voice “I won at dodgeball” his eyes turn even sadder “so they started pushing me around like I’m nothing. Making me smash into the lockers” 

“Oh Eric” I say tilting my head in complete hurt for him. 

“I just don’t understand. Well I do actually, I’m short and weak, weird looking and shit at sports” he shakes his head and there is anger coming through the sadness “I’m nothing and they will always let me know” he gets up from the bed, the bottle in his right hand. “Look at me, I am fucking pathetic, bitching to you as if your life isn’t ten times worse” 

I don’t say anything, I just let him throw it all out. Eric starts pacing in place before me. Eric continues to confide in me. He tells me about all the shit he’s been through in that school. The way he’s mocked for the bands he likes, the clothes he wears. The teachers that always see everything and never help him. They bully just as hard as his peers do. Eric then sits back down again and tells me about the hardest day of his life here.

“We were sitting in the commons, me and Dylan and this group comes walking up to us” he looks at me and I can see the hurt in his eyes, the trauma it caused. “They had these strings in their hand with something red on it. At first we didn't know what it was” he looks away, down on his hands “they were tampons covered in ketchup” 

“Oh my God, Eric” and I take his hand in mine, closing my eyes due to the hurt this must have caused him. 

“They pelted us with them, chasing us down the fucking hall as they kept throwing them at us” he squeezes my hand “I have never been so humiliated in my life, not even when we were arrested and I had to walk in cuffs before my parents” my eyes never leave his face. He turns to look into my eyes and I see how watery his are “they made us stay in school, we weren’t even allowed to go home and change” he looks away and I see the tear roll down his cheek. I raise my other hand and take my sweater to wipe the tear away from his face. We look at each other again and I take the bottle from his hand to take a long swig. “Easy, you have to drive, remember” Eric says worriedly. 

“I’ll be fine” I say to him with a small smile. “Eric I am so fucking sorry they did that to you” is the first thing I say to him. He shrugs. “No don’t try and shrug it off, it’s not right, not any of it. Above fucking all you’re not weak or weird looking, hey look at me” and I make sure our eyes connect “seriously, my heart broke when you said those things about yourself. You’re the smartest guy I’ve ever met, the sweetest most caring guy with the shortest fucking fuse ever” and I smile “seriously, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes” but then I look away. Fuck, I’ve said too much. 

“What does that mean, see myself through your eyes?” he asks me. I take another long swig and I’m starting to feel the alcohol flow through my system. Infecting it with carelessness and boldness. 

“It means that you have no idea how amazing you are” I don’t even notice my own tears as I smile wide at him.

“Okay, clearly this” and he takes the bottle of tequila from my hand “is starting to affect you” 

“No, well yes but I mean what I’m saying” I tell him, Eric looks at me and takes two huge gulps of Tequila “oh no, you’re gonna end up drunk” I chuckle a bit.

“Doesn’t really matter, I’m already home” he says with a small smile.

“True, that’s unfair by the way, next time you sneak into my place so I can get drunk” 

“How the fuck would I do that?” he says smiling.

“I don’t know, you just call me and I open the door or something” and I start to laugh at how stupid that sounds “just don’t ring the doorbell” 

“Thanks for the tip” Eric says now laughing as well “when it’s one in the morning I won’t ring your doorbell” and we’re just laughing now. The alcohol helps us push out the sadness, or perhaps it’s the fact that we’re together, both knowing what pain is. Eric takes my hand in his again and laces our fingers together. My heart is skipping several beats and breathing isn’t happening anytime soon. “Thank you” he says and for the first time he kisses my cheek, not for an unnecessary apology but as a way of showing his gratitude. 

I look at him as his face is still so close and absolutely driven by the alcohol I throw all cautiousness overboard and I kiss him. Like I did on Valentines day but this time I don’t pull back. Completely intoxicated by his lips I deepen the kiss. Eric pulls back a bit but I just move right along with him, not letting him break the kiss. That’s when he kisses me back, passionately opening his lips and without hesitation I do the same. Our tongues collide and find each other in this desperate kiss. Eric puts the bottle down, almost taking his lips away from me but he quickly comes back and wraps his arms around me. Pulling me so close I already know it’s going to hurt when he lets me go. The kiss is restless, filled with sadness and pain but also care and wanting. A soft mmh rolls over my lips and it takes Eric to a whole other level because his hand goes up to my face and he holds me while we kiss. My eyes open for a flighty moment and I see his eyes are shut tightly. He looks like he’s losing himself in the kiss and suddenly the alcohol vanishes and I realise what’s happening. I pull back and break the kiss abruptly. 

“I am so sorry” I immediately say to Eric who looks like he’s in shock “I uhm” and I get up from the bed, closing my arms tightly around myself “this shouldn’t have” and now Eric get’s up as well.

“Hey it’s o” and his hand reaches out for my arm and I pull back, making him freeze up instantly. I can see he’s hurt by me pulling back. 

“I should go” I say, not able to look at him. Without another look in his direction or word I climb back out of the window. As fast as I can with these shaking hands. Silently I get away from his house even faster and I don’t look back. When I reach my car I open the door and drop my head on my arms against the steering wheel. Bawling my eyes out. I’ve ruined it, everything. When I’ve finally regained my posture well enough to drive I’m convinced I’ve fucked everything up between me and Eric. 

That morning I couldn’t make myself get ready for school. So I stayed home, sleeping in, ignoring every need to leave my bedroom. I relive the kiss over and over, from our lips connecting to his arms so tightly around me. That night would be the first in weeks that I don’t call Eric and he doesn’t call me either. Which feeds the voice in my head that keeps repeating that I fucked up.

The next day I force myself to go to school. If I don’t go for two days in a row my parents will ask questions and I’m not up for that at all.

Walking through the doors of the school I hope with everything in me that no bullies find me. I couldn’t cope with that, not today. Not when I also hope I won’t cross path’s with Eric. My first class goes by and sure enough I’ve been left alone. Not running into anyone. This gives me some hope that I won’t have to deal with anything. No hurt from the bullies or a whole different kind of pain from Eric’s sober rejection. I’m so used to being unwanted by now that the thought Eric might not reject me doesn’t even cross my mind. 

Before lunch I put everything in my locker and take out my smokes to go out to the pit. Walking in Dylan immediately catches my eye, Eric isn’t with him. I sigh out in relief and walk up to Dylan.

“You look like shit” Dylan says bluntly.

“Yeah thanks” I say lighting my cigarette. 

“Sorry” he says with that small, quilty smile of his “where were you yesterday?” 

_ Well, I was depressed about fucking everything up so I couldn’t even get out of my bedroom.  _

“I didn't feel too good” is what I tell him. 

“Eric didn't feel too good either yesterday and today he’s just cranky as fuck” Dylan tells me. I look up at him and my face must betray me because he says “spill it, did you two have a falling out or something?” 

Looking at Dylan I wonder if I should confide in him and his eyes tell me I can. “I fucked everything up with Eric” my head drops and I keep looking at my shoes “didn't he tell you I did?” 

“He told me nothing, except when I asked if he knew where you were he got upset and told me he didn't know what the hell was going on with you anymore” 

_ What does that mean he doesn’t know what’s going on with me anymore?  _

“So can you please tell me why he said that and why you think you fucked everything up with Eric?” Dylan asks.

Without my consent it all starts to pour out “I snuck into his room to cheer him up after that gym shit. We talked and we had tequila” 

“Tequila?” Dylan asks.

“We had tequila, yes. And then I kissed him” I say before I take a long drag from my smoke.

“You kissed Eric?” Dylan asks, sounding almost shocked. 

“Yes” 

“And you fucked up because he didn't want you to kiss him?” Dylan asks, looking like he’s sure that’s not the case.

“No, he kissed me back because we were drunk-ish and when I realized what I was doing I pulled back” I flick my smoke on the floor “I left after saying I shouldn’t have done that and I fucked up because I’m sure it was all the alcohol, for him at least. And now our friendship is ruined” finally looking up at Dylan I see him staring into the distance, thinking.

“So, now the plan is to avoid each other based on assumptions?” Dylan asks, turning back so he’s facing me again. 

“What should I do then?” I ask with my hands raised up.

“Talk to him, perhaps?” Dylan says as if that’s obvious.

“Yeah right, so he can reject me as a friend completely. No thanks” I say shaking my head.

If I was able to look inside Dylan’s head I’d see all the dots he’s putting together. He realizes I have feelings for Eric now and he’s been suspicious for a while that Eric has not only been crushing on me but may even have actual feelings for me. Especially when Eric told Dylan he’s in doubt about NBK due to what it would do to everyone around them. 

“I can’t tell you what to do but if you ask me it’s pretty fucking stupid to not talk to him about it” and then he just walks out of the pit to leave me there with those words.

I watch Dylan walk away and feel torn between talking to Eric and not wanting to face rejection. When time forces me to walk back into school so I can find a place to eat I see Dylan didn't get very far into the school at all, or maybe he was waiting for me. When his hand raises up I know it’s the latter.

“Let’s have lunch in an empty classroom,” Dylan asks me. 

“Alright” I say, happy not to have to eat alone. I follow Dylan and when we reach the classroom he opens the door for me. I walk in and come face to face with Eric, who jumps off the table he was sitting on. Dylan pushes me in further and I turn back to look at him. 

“Dude what the” Eric starts but Dylan interrupts him.

“Nope, I’m talking right now” Dylan says calmly. “Reb, I’ve been the friend in between two friends fighting enough times before. I’m not doing it this time. I don’t know what the fuck happened” and I know Dylan’s not telling the truth there but he continues “and it’s none of my business but you two are not leaving this classroom until you’ve made up” 

“You can’t just keep us here” I say to Dylan. His brows rise up “watch me” and he walks out of the room, closing the door behind him. After a few seconds I walk up to the door and see Dylan standing across from the door with his arms crossed, stern look on his face.

“Wow, he’s not joking” I say as I turn back around to face Eric and expect my worst nightmare to come true. Eric doesn’t say anything, we're just standing here, looking at each other. Neither of us knows how to start this conversation. Eric sits back down on the desk he was on and I follow his lead and take a seat across from him on another table. 

“Were you sick yesterday?” Eric asks me while he opens his lunch. 

“No” and I feel my throat swell up but just like before my mouth decides what comes out next “I was afraid I was going to lose my best friend” 

“What? Why?” Eric asks, seemingly confused.

“Because, I shouldn’t have kissed you” I say looking at the floor and thus missing the disappointment on Eric’s face.

“You shouldn’t have kissed me” he asks but my ears block out the question in that sentence. 

“And I was afraid you’d hate me and wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore” I pull my lunch out of my bag, knowing I won’t be able to take a bite at all. 

Eric is confused and saddened by my words, he was beyond happy when I kissed him but he won’t tell me that. He can’t face rejection just like I can’t and especially not from me. 

“I don’t hate you” and he forces himself to add “it was the alcohol” 

_ I knew it, it was just the alcohol for him.  _

“Yep” I say, making myself look up at him. He seems upset, maybe he is angry but doesn’t want to tell me. “And I’m really really sorry” 

He turns his head away and his jaw seems tensed up “you don’t have to apologise, it’s okay. I understand, really” and he looks back at me. A smile that seems forced appears on his face. 

“Okay, so are we still good?” I ask him, fidgeting with the wrapper of my sandwich. 

“Sure,” he says, sounding troubled. “Let’s eat something in the hopes Lurch will let us out” 

“Did you just call Dylan, Lurch?” I ask, trying not to laugh. 

“He forced us into this stupid shit, so yes I did” Eric says but I see the left corner of his curl up. 

“I’m telling him you said that” I say trying to lighten the vibe around us. 

“No you’re not” Eric says, very sure of himself.

“I’m not?” I ask him. 

“Nope” Eric says with that semi-smirk look on his face “because you owe me” 

“I owe you?” I ask surprised.

“Yep, half a bottle of tequila and if you leave Lurch in the unknown we’ll call it even” he says as he takes a bite from his sandwich. 

Happy that we’re trying to get passed this I say “we will leave Lurch in the dark about his new nickname” 

“Good” Eric says as he looks at his lunch. I make myself eat as well, trying to keep appearance up but my heart is heavy and my food tastes like cardboard. When we’re done we both force a smile on our face and walk to the door. The second the door opens, Dylan straightens his back as he looks at us. “Relax, we’re fine, but you’re an asshole” Eric says pointing his finger up at his friend. Dylan doesn’t respond with anything but a smug little smile. 

“I should go, I don’t want to be late to class” I say to both of them. “I’ll see you two later” and I smile and wave at both of them before I turn around to let out a sigh and make my way to class. The day goes by even slower than I expected it to. And when I finally make my way over to the parking lot and I see Eric’s Prelude is gone already I’m not sure if I’m relieved or upset about it. Closer to my car I see a note. A smile forms and I whisper “Eric”. Picking up the note the handwriting tells me instantly it’s not Eric’s. 

_ Don’t worry, I won’t tell him I know about the kiss just like you won’t tell him that I think it wasn’t just the alcohol - Dylan.  _

Frowning over what he means exactly I put the note in my back pocket. Getting in my car I’m ready to leave this day behind me. If only I knew that note would keep me up most of the night. 


	14. From start to finish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :) 
> 
> A new chapter, new beginnings! 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy it, let me know, please <3

I can’t seem to focus today at all. Staring out the window with my pen in my hand all I can think of is how awful and awkward everything still is with Eric. We’ve been talking and around each other for the past few days but only in school and I don’t know who is more relieved when the other decides to walk away, him, me or Dylan. 

We haven’t called or seen each other outside of school at all. We meaning me and Eric or me and Dylan. I’ve been by myself and it hasn’t been easy on me. I try to keep my chin up around my parents and blame everything on the school load which isn’t heavy at all but if they believe it I’m happy. 

“I want the assigned homework on my desk by next Wednesday,” the teacher says loudly, trying to get over the bell and students packing their bags. I put my books back in my bag and walk out of the classroom. It’s lunch time, great. 

I go to have a smoke first. Eric and Dylan are both in the pit and they’re talking to Chris, the guy I met a while back. He was intimidating at first and he still is at times, but he’s friendly enough to me so I join the trio. “Hi guys” I say softly as I walk up to them. 

“Hey Y/n, what’s up?” Chris asks with a nod of the head. 

“Hi Chris, how are you?” I ask him going over his question. 

“I’m good,” he says “we were just talking about catching a movie soon, wanna join?”

“No but thanks for the invite” I say lighting a smoke. Eric looks at me as I do, his eyes tell me he has something to say but he doesn’t. I feel very awkward next to the three good friends. They resume their conversation. I’m just kind of standing there, looking at my feet, trying not to look at Eric too much. When I do look, his eyes shoot away from me, creating a pit in my stomach.  _ Yep, we’re alright. _ As soon as my smoke is finished I drop it down and say bye to them. Turning around instantly. 

Busy with rearranging my locker I think back about all the roses that filled it a while back. Distracted by my thoughts a heavy hand on my shoulder scares me so bad I gasp out. I turn around and Dylan apologises repeatedly. “It’s okay, I’m just glad it’s you” I say thinking about the alternatives. 

“Are you okay?” he asks leaning against the locker next to mine. 

“Do you want the honest, dreary answer or the pleasant lie?” I ask him, still busy with my locker. 

“Something in between?” Dylan asks with a frown, making me smile. 

“I’m okay enough” and I look up at him “how about you?” 

“Do you want the honest, annoyed as fuck answer or the pleasant lie?” 

“Neither?” I ask with a no-thanks face.

“Works for me” he says with a chuckle “we should hang out soon” 

“Yeah we should” I tell him, happy he brought it up.

“I’m busy today but let's see how tomorrow goes, yeah?” he proposes, knowing by now that my ability to hang out heavily depends on how the day in school goes.

“Sounds good to me” I say, already looking forward to not being alone tomorrow. 

“Cool, I have to split but I’ll talk to you later” and his hand lands on my shoulder again before he walks off. 

“Bye Dylan” I say watching him leave from the corner of my eyes. I have to go in the other direction and when I go around a corner I see Eric standing there with boys and girls I don’t mingle with. He says something and a girl is laughing abundantly, touching his arm and I just want to run in the opposite direction. But I can’t because I’m nailed to the ground. Eric must feel the eyes on him, his head turns in my direction and he looks at me with a smile. His hand goes up as a way of greeting me from a distance. I do the same, not noticing I started crying somewhere. Eric frowns, perhaps he notices. He turns his body in my direction and I think that perhaps he wants to come my way but my legs have other plans because they decided to take me home. 

Blowing out air bubbles under water in my bathtub I watch them all rise before I follow them up and get some air. I told my parents my teacher got sick and that I had a free period when I got home. I took a few hour nap and now I’m lying here in my tub, soaking up the warmth of the water. Trying to clear my head. I had no business crying over Eric hanging around other people, looking happy, laughing, cracking jokes, like we used to do every day for so long. But I just miss it so much, so much it hurts and I don’t know how to get back to that. “I messed up big time” I say before I sink down into the water to listen to my heartbeat. 

I don’t wait for the water to cool down too much this time, wanting to keep the warmth with me as I get into my comfy pajama pants and a spaghetti top, ready to go watch a movie. 

Settled on my bed, leaning with a pillow just before my couch with the remote control in my hand I start my favorite movie. So deep into the story even though I know it by heart I get startled by the knock on my door. “Yeah come in” I say and as the door opens I look to see if it’s my mom or dad. 

It’s neither of them. “Eric,” I say, getting up on my knees on my bed. 

“Hey, is this a good time or should I come back another time?” he asks unsure about him being here.

“No, it’s fine, come in” I say, trying not to sound too eager. He does so and looks like the first couple of times he came by. Looking around him insecurely, not sure where to go next. I look down and notice I’m just in a top so I get up and open my closet to take out a sweater I can throw over it. “Sorry, I didn't expect anyone, I’m already in my pajamas” 

“You don’t have to apologise, I should have called but” his hands are in his pockets as he looks at me. 

“But?” I ask, walking a bit closer to Eric. His shoulders rise up but his hands don’t leave his pockets. 

Then he speedwalks past me and sits down on the couch “I’m here because I” I follow him there and sit down in the other corner “because I missed my friend” he says barely able to look at me. My heart warms up at his words and it takes everything for me not to jump up and down in happiness. 

“I missed you too,” I say to him. Eric looks up at me with a small smile but he quickly averts his eyes.

“You see, I have an idea why everything is still so fucking awkward between us” he continues.

“You have?” I ask, feeling my heart work twice as hard. 

“Yes, but I’m afraid that if I’m wrong I will mess everything up” he tells me and my mind is making overtime as to why that would be “so first you have to promise to still be my friend if I’m wrong” 

“Are you serious?” I ask with a nervous chuckle.

“Yes, Y/n, I’m serious” he says, now looking straight at me.

“Okay, I promise that if you are wrong I will still be your friend” I say to him, praying this wasn’t a lie. He sits on the edge of the couch and his hands are folded on his knees, his fingers furiously rubbing together. 

“I think it’s awkward because it wasn’t the alcohol,” he says, looking up at me with these huge puppy-like eyes and my heart is beating so fast, I’m afraid he can see it on the outside. Dylan’s note flashes through my head. “For me it wasn’t at least” he licks his lips and his voice is shaky when he continues “you see” Eric licks his lips again before he turns his body towards me “I think we’re so weird around each other now because we did want that kiss to happen” 

_ My heart drops in my chest, did he just say he wanted that kiss to happen? _

“I can’t be around you like we were before because I think we both want to be more than just friends” Eric tells me and when he looks at me I imagine my face must not portray how I really feel. His eyes close as his head turns away from me “or at least I want to be more than friends with you” 

I am unable to speak or move even though I desperately want to. Eric looks uncomfortable and almost like he’s in pain.

“Say something, please” he tells me when my silence becomes deafening.

“I think” but I’m still unable to finish my sentence, struggling to think, breath even. 

“You think we should just be friends” he fills in with a sadness in his voice that breaks my heart. I start to shake my head no. “No?” he asks.

“I think” and I smile as I look at Eric whose eyes look hopeful, that spark of hope I felt every time I held his hand or when he held me so sweetly in his arms “that you should kiss me again” 

Eric’s head jerks back a bit as he looks at me “right now?” he asks and it’s clear this is not what he expected.

“Yes” I say as I scoot a little closer to Eric. He instantly does the same, but there is hesitation before the kiss. His hand goes up to my cheek and then he slowly comes to sit just a little closer to me. Eric keeps looking into my eyes, melting me down completely before his soft lips kiss me with a sweet and gentleness to it our previous two kisses didn't hold in them. I can’t help but smile in the kiss before I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. He keeps holding my face with his right hand as his left hand softly leans on my knee. This moment feels like it’s lasting forever in our own little world. 

Eric is the one to pull back and he looks at me before he says “thank God, I was scared shitless you didn't feel the same way” he chuckles softly.

“I left so soon that night because I was so afraid you’d hate me for kissing you like that” I admit as I look down on his hands taking mine in his. 

“Hate you? No way” a small kiss is placed on my cheek “everytime I held your hand in the hallway I felt better than ever before. I wanted to tell you how I felt at Valentines day but I chickened out” 

“I was so afraid to lose you as a friend that everytime I felt like saying something I even got too scared to think about it” I say as I look back at him. 

“What the hell is wrong with us?” Eric asks with a chuckle. I sit back and pull my legs up.

“Don’t open that door, please” I say, feeling so incredibly happy at this moment. 

Eric looks at the tv. “Again?” and he points at it as well. 

I just shrug and say “I love this movie” 

“Okay, rewind it” my eyes turn big at his words “let’s watch it together” he tells me as he sits back very close next to me and places his arm around me. I grab the remote from behind me and settle next to Eric while I do as he asks. 

“From start to finish” I say to him as I press play. Eric presses a kiss on my cheek again, making the flutters in my stomach swirl into a storm. 

“From start to finish” he says before we watch Meet Joe Black together. 

“This is your favorite movie?” Eric asks after having watched the whole movie with me. In silence. 

“Yes” I say turning in my seat so I can look at him “you sound very disappointed by that fact” after a chuckle he looks back at me.

“No, not disappointed per se” he says with one brow raised “it’s very mushy though” and he squints his eyes, as if he says ew with his eyes. 

“It is, I’ll give you that but the storyline is strong and in my opinion absolutely beautiful” his eyes go over my face. 

“It lasts forever, you father came in wondering if I had left silently it is that long” Eric says laughing.

“That was funny” I say thinking back to the moment my dad was completely surprised to see Eric was still here. “Yes it’s a 3 hour movie but it couldn’t have been done any other way” 

“I disagree, some parts could have been left out” Eric tells me.

“Oh yeah? Which parts?” and a heated but good-natured discussion starts on what he thinks could have been left out to which I couldn’t even agree in the slightest even if I tried. “You are ridiculous” I tell him “you’re reducing the story to nothing” 

“If there is nothing left of the movie it would have been so much better” and he grunts when my fist lands on his ribs “I’ve told you before, this is abuse” he says laughing as he sees me trying to hold back laughter. A moment of comfortable silence follows. Which Eric ends with the sounds of new kisses. My heart is having difficulty in keeping up with all these new vibrant and gorgeous feelings created by us kissing. When Eric pulls back his eyes are soft and he has the sweetest expression on his face. The footsteps on the stairs make sure that I push my body back on the couch and Eric sits up a tad more straight. 

The door swings open “alright kids, I know that movie is about two years long but it should be over by now and it’s a school night” my dad says with a smile “if it was Friday or Saturday you could have stayed for a bit longer if your curfew allowed it but it’s not” he tells Eric.

“I was about to say goodbye, sir” he says as he gets up from the couch.

“Good, drive safely” my dad says as he turns around, leaving the door open. Which is new. 

“I will, thank you” Eric says looking at the door. He points at it right after his words “that’s new” 

I nod my head yes “it is” I say with a smile while I walk closer to him “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow”. Eric takes a step closer to me as well.

“Yep, you will, I’ll wait for you by my car before class starts” I see him take in a deep breath before he kisses my lips one more time, his tongue leaving a mark on them before he pulls back “don’t be late, please” 

“Eric, I’ve seen you get annoyed with almost being late and I’ve also seen you furious when Dylan and I make us all a bit late because we’re lingering in the pit” he looks away a bit guilty “relax, I’ll be on time and if I’m not you just go in”

“Hell no, I’m waiting for you, I’ll just eat you alive if you’re late” he says with that lopsided smirk. 

“Great” I say sarcastically as we walk down the stairs. My dad is sitting on the kitchen table and greets Eric again before we walk to the front door. Eric gets ready to go and he smiles so sweetly before he says “bye, I’ll see you in the morning” 

“See ya” I say leaning against the doorpost as I watch him walk to his car. Biting my lip the euphoria spreads through my body after this evening. It was perfect, I couldn’t be happier that he came here and that for some reason we didn't mess it up again but that he actually said what he did. We wave at each other and I already miss him. 

“God, you’re such a loser” I whisper to myself as I walk back in. My dad tells me to pick shorter movies during the week, I tell him I will and we hug each other before I go back up again. Dropping down on my bed I start to spastically dance while lying down. I must look ridiculous but I don’t care, for the first time in months I feel a happiness I didn't think I would this fast after everything. But with that thought, realization hit me with just that same thought and before I know it I’m curled up in a ball ready to lose myself in the sadness that my brother left me behind with. 

My phone rings and pulls me out of that well I was falling down into. I get up and pick up the phone “hello” I say softly. 

“I’m home” Eric says on the other line, my mouth almost breaks open in a smile. 

“Thank God, I was scared to death, what took you so long?” I say sitting on my couch, by myself this time. 

“You’re joking and I just wanted to” 

“Find an excuse to call me?” I finished his sentence.

“Don’t say it like that” he chuckles “but basically yes” 

“You don’t need an excuse, you can always call” I tell him.

“Good, that makes me feel just a little less like a loser” he says with another chuckle.

“You calling stopped a mental breakdown so I guess we’re both losers here” I say, running my thumb over my lips, thinking about his there.

“What happened?” Eric asks worriedly and I tell him the whole story. He listens closely to every word that I say and when I’m done he gives me buckets full of care in his words of comfort. “So don’t think you’re a loser for one second” he ends with and I can’t help but smile widely on the phone.

“On one condition” I tell him.

“And what is that?” he asks hesitantly.

“That you don’t ever feel like a loser when you call me, ever again” I say turning on my belly. I hear a lot of muffled sounds on his side of the line. 

“Okay” he simply states and then the conversation makes a much brighter turn from that point on. Before we know it we’re back to how it was before everything got awkward and so much better even. It’s clear in this conversation how happy the both of us are that we crossed this line and even though I feel obligated to remind Eric that I will still be as messed up as before that doesn’t change anything to how we feel. “Just try to keep the breakdowns after a compliment to a minimum because I plan on doing that more often” 

“Aren’t you a romantic?” I say sarcastically in the way he brings that to me. But I smile, wide and happily at his words. 

“I’m not sure what I am when it comes to this but I don’t think it’s romantic” he says laughing. “ I will see you tomorrow morning” 

“Yes you will” and then I pretend to have the time wrong by half an hour, he grunts thinking I really forgot. “Byeee Eric Harris” I say overdone and that’s when he realizes I was joking.

“Not funny, you know I hate that shit” he says sounding annoyed but when he continues his voice is much softer “sweet dreams, Y/n” 

“You too” I say before staying silently on the phone, waiting for him to hang up. 

“You’re still there,” he states.

“Yep, so are you” and a short silence follows. 

“Tonight was the best night I’ve had in a long time” Eric tells me and his voice scares me a bit. He sounds sad and so incredibly lonely, a feeling I relate to way too much. 

“For me too” I say softly “good night, Eric” 

“Good night, Y/n” he says before we hang up the phone which I end up clutching tightly against my chest. Tonight really was a good night and I’m already excited to see him in the morning. Without realizing it I’m dialing a number and lifting the phone up to my ear.

“Hey Dylan, it’s me” 

**Author's Note:**

> Positive feedback is very much appreciated!


End file.
